Hello sweetie - this is an absolute torment for you & you are obviously struggling desperately to deal with all of the things you are having to deal with. You say you don't want sympathy & I do understand that but I do think what you need is empathy i.e. someone who does understand how you feel & I think I do.

First of all I need to tell you that wanting your dad's suffering to end is nothing to feel guilty about. You might be surprised at how many of us have felt exactly that way. When my mum died a little less than 2 years ago I just felt relieved & the night she died I slept really well. I didn't feel guilty because I had done what I could to make her life easier before she died. I'm sure that's what you are doing too & no-one can do more.

Being angry is also a normal part of the grieving process (& you are grieving even tho' your dad is still with you). Why should you not be angry? It's a cruel, cruel illness that takes young people in ways that we don't want to think about. You wouldn't be normal if you weren't angry. Please be kind to yourself about this as you would be kind to a good friend.

You can't do 'normal' things because what's happening doesn't feel normal - your whole life is turned upside down so how can you 'be' normal? You mustn't beat yourself up about it. Try just to take each day as it comes - do what you can do & disregard anything else. Life has a way of sorting itself out even if you can't see that at the moment - truly it does.

Don't beat yourself up either about not being the 'girl you were' for your partner. If he loves you he'll wait until that girl comes back & you will. Maybe not exactly the same but 'you' will still be there. Remember sweetie that you simply can't control everything - life isn't like that. Control only what's possible to control & leave the rest to life which has ways of resolving all problems.

Nothing anyone can say will ease the pain you are feeling but you will find a way to cope if you take things day by day. Truly you will. Many people have been where you are now & have survived the agony of it all & I believe you will too if you'd just be a bit kinder to yourself.

Do post again if it helps. I'll think of you. xx

Thankyou for such a lovely heartfelt response I cannot Thankyou enough for such wise, honest, heartfelt words. You have literally hit the nail on the head it is empathy I need not sympathy as no one that has been through it does understand or can relate to me and that is why I feel so distant and alone and frightened too. I am glad Ito learn that I am not the only one wishing it would end and the guilt I feel surrounding this has taken over my life. I find myself doing so many silly things to block out what’s really going on in front of me. I know you can’t turn back the clock and I appreciate that time will help me to understand why and my life will move on. I can’t give everyone everything and you are right I need to take one day at a time and make sure that I live for myself and if my partner is there (have no doubt he will be but it can’t be easy on him) he is so good to me he has just booked a beautiful holiday to Switzerland for us both for Xmas so he is trying to give me nice things to look forward too which of course I appreciate but also feel concerned as I think what if I am on holiday and my dad gets worse again and what shall I do. But simply I get a flight home it’s not a massive problem it’s jusy you overthink everything and almost protect yourself so much that you actually end up pushing those you love and care for away. You can surround yourself with material things but no money in the world can bring me that happiness I feel when I see my dad smile or think of my childhood and how lucky I was. My mum is fantastic they are not together but are the best of friends and have known each other since they were 17 so she has supported him also so we do have a lovely family and I am so lucky. I am sorry to hear of your mother I know that she would be proud of you and how much effort you have put into responding to my message this just shows what type of person you are and what joy love and kindness you bring to others around you. Thankyou honestly from the bottom of my heart much appreciated 

These are all perfectly natural feelings, my dad suffered terribly when he was close to the end and I too felt like it couldn’t come soon enough, I was 26 at the time and 8 months pregnant, to watch a loved one suffering is absolutely devastating so please ask for help, take comfort in peoples words and remember your not alone, your dad will never leave your side so don’t be upset he won’t miss a thing just like my dad xx 

Morning sweetie - I'm very glad that you have got some comfort from what I said. It sounds to me that you have your priorities right. Money doesn't make all well & you understand the importance of your lovely family. Your partner sounds great & as you say if things take a turn for the worse when you are away you can always hop on a plane. Sometimes putting your feelings on paper gets things clearer in your mind & hearing other voices respond in support can make a huge difference. I hope, that if it helps, you continue to do just that. In the meantime take the days ahead one by one & whatever you do try not to think too far ahead. Life has a strange way of taking us in very unexpected directions so too much planning ahead in this kind of situation isn't always wise.

Thank you very much for your kind words about my mum they are much appreciated. Be kind to yourself & let the negative thoughts about yourself go - they are a terrible waste of emotions best spent elsewhere. Will think of you. x