Hi Rachael - very, very difficult time for you I can see. I can't say I can offer you any specific strategies to cope with the anger you are experiencing but you are obviously suffering with it. My feeling when I read your post was perhaps you need some counselling. I don't know if you've ever had any but I have & can tell you that it does work. Wanting to sort things out for yourself is key to it I think & you clearly want to do that so I would ask your GP for a referral.

You say you felt you had done your grieving before your mum died & it is very likely the case that you did go thro' an awful lot of the grieving process during that year. However, it really was only partial & for whatever reason, you haven't, (in my view) completed the whole process which is why you are so unhappy now. Again, counselling might help you to understand why & how you might proceed now.

It's all such a shame for you given what you have been through & been so supportive of others. But, now is the time for you & trying to move on with your life in a healthy way. Of course your life won't ever be quite the same & you will always miss your lovely mum but you need to be able to get to a place where you can be happy & smile about your mum & I do hope you will be able to.

Do think about counselling & post here if you need to get anything off your chest. Most people here are very understanding & will offer you what support they can. Take care. x

Hi there ..

Your story is really Simerla to mine ... my mum was a huge part of my life .. I had 2 boys ... who adored her and her them ..  I was 36 when my mum died suddenly from a heart attack ... 

Like you I comforted others .. I was the strong one ... how I coped was yes I wished I'd had more time... but what I had with mum in that time, others never have ... we put a lifetime of love into the time we had ..  yes I've had tears through the years .. but the thing that keeps me going is my mum would give me a right talking to if I started "loosing it"  she'd have said "you look after those boys... you be the mum that gets them through" 

My mum and I'm sure your mum, taught us so many lessons through life .. we now have to live like they'd want us too .. I've tried to make my mum proud too .. you do the same .. it's not the person who crys the loudest , that hurts the most .. that's like us .. who held it in .. put others first .. grief is unique to everyone .. there's no right or wrong way .. your probly doing what I went through too .. feeling guilty for not grieving like others .. why didn't we cry ... how could we do that if we loved them like we thought .. why didn't we cry every day ...

Well we didn't need to ... our mum's taught us well .. we are half of them ... and now it's up to us to put that learning and love into our kids ... for our mum's.. how would your mum feel if she could see you now ..  I'm sure she'd feel really sad ... how do you think she felt in that first year .. she'd say that's my girl ..

Yes life will never be the same ... we have to find a new normal .. but I've taken my mum along my journey ... she's tucked up in my heart ... and one day ... I'll see her again, but untill then, live like she'd want me to ... caring on helping others ...

Don't cry because you loose someone ... smile because you were blessed to have had them in your life .. 

Sending you a vertual hug... from one daughter to another ...  Chrissie xx