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Help with partner who’s mum has stage 4 cancer

josummers
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Hello,

I’ve just signed up to this page as I’m having some difficulty with my partner. We’ve been together for 4 years and we are getting married next year. We are both so happy in our relationship and have never been unfaithful or argue much. We always say that we feel so lucky to have found each other. 

We had the news about my partners mum last year. Stage 4 cancer. It’s been such devastating news for the family as a whole. My partner has obviously taken the news very badly. The doctors and consultants have said that the cancer will never go but they will treat her to chemo which she has already done her first 6 months of. After another scan it has now grown again. So we are waiting to find out if and when she will be treated to the chemo again. It has been such a rollercoaster of emotions and I am trying so hard to try and stay positive for my partner. But I just feel useless. I want to be able to help and be there for her and her family as much as I can. 

I feel like I’ve lost the happy, funny, confident person I met and fell in love with and I’m finding it so hard. I was hoping to get some help on here and if anyone else has been through the same or are going through the same right now to reach out and hopefully we can help each other. 

I want to know if I’m doing all the right things. I feel lost and I’m scared. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to make things better. And I know some of you may read this I think I’m being selfish. Honestly I am not just thinking about myself here. I want to do as much as I can to help my partner and her family. But I feel like I need some help and guidance as I don’t know what to say or do. It’s such a horrible feeling knowing there’s nothing you can do. 

If you have read everything up until this point thank you so much for reading and I hope you can understand all this.

 

 

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    Hi there ...

    So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment.... your right about one thing ... you can't make it better or go away ... and sadly there's no manual to help us along this journey.... 

    Your deff not being selfish... your just trying to know how to help ... and you sound amazingly caring ...

    Now saying all that ... if you can hold on in there ... not by fixing anything... just by being there .. you will come through stronger then ever ... we all have times in our lives that are devistating.... and loosing a mum is one of them ... so if you can just tell her how you feel, confused ... scared ... and feeling lost not being able to help .. and really listen to her too .. it's not so much about talking ... it's about listening .. and no mater what she says, know you can't fix it... but you can hold her hand for as long as it takes .. 

    It's a mean rollercoaster ride ... and many fall by the way, because it becomes too much ... but Hay there's loads of us on that ride ... and on here you will always get a shoulder to lean on ... you can vent/ shout or even just chat .... sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Hi Chrissie,

    Your message is so lovely and made me cry. But not in a bad way. Thank you so much for listening and understanding. I really appreciate your message. I think I just needed to hear from someone else that doesn’t know me to take this in from an outside perspective. And to hear that what I’m currently doing is ok then thats exactly what I needed to hear. 

    You are right, it is a mean rollercoaster and the best we can do is just be there for each other. Sometimes I think my partner thinks I doesn’t understand or get it... and I appreciate that because I have never been in her position. And you only have one mum. But I want to try and understand and I know it’s going to be hard. But at least I know I’m doing my best to be there and signing up to this site has been the best thing I’ve ever done.

    Thank you so much again for your message. I will most definitely stick around on here for support. Everyone on here sounds amazing and supportive. We’re all in this together and if we can all help each other in some way then that’s exactly what we will do.

    Jo xx

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    Hi Jo you've got to keep it all together for your partner as chrissie says you need to talk to each other more, what her mother got is classed as uncurable they can treat it but cannot get rid of it I've been like it for over three years now and it's stage 4, it can vary a lot depends how responsive to treatment she is remember talk to each other the truth, it does help, best wishes.

    Billy 

  • Offline in reply to Billygoat

    Hi Billy,

     thank you so much for your message. I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. I can imagine it has been a difficult journey for you so far. You sound like a very strong person. I really appreciate your feedback. I will learn to talk to my partner more. I just worry that I will say the wrong thing or get her upset. I’m usually positive or try to be. And my partner tells me to just continue being me and being positive around her as that’s why she loves me and by me being myself helps her. She tends to go through phases of being quiet. Which is really difficult to get someone to open up and talk. But I am doing my best. I am going to make sure that when my partner goes into these quiet places that I reach out to her more and be there for a cuddle or a talk. 

    Thank you so much again. It’s becoming more clear to me that I just need to be a stronger person and talk more about it. It’s just a scary thing to talk about.

    Jo x

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