Hi there

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife and I totally agree saying it's early days is crazy because you are always going to miss her. It seems very unfair that she was diagnosed so late so you didn't have long to come to terms with it, if that's even possible.

It sounds like you were a very special couple that were made for each other.

If you ever need a friendly ear I'm here to talk 

Nikki x

Hi there ...

I'm so so sorry your going through this heartbraking time... I can feel the pain in your words ... you will be in the raw time of grieving ... where it's like a wound that won't heal ... please know what your feeling is "normal" and it's your brain trying to make sense of it all, when there is none ...

I don't like anger, I think it doesn't help any one... but after what your wife went through being miss diagnosed... I think even I'd feel angry ... but lessons should be learned there .. I know Drs are just human and make mistakes like we all do .. but he needs to take on board the outcome of his non action .... so no one else is miss diagnosed by him ... although it may not have changed the outcome .. no one will know ...

There's someone on here who has been where you are now ... he's a year on now ... but he felt so like you in those early days ... and he lost the love of his life very suddenly too .. with mistakes being made on her journey too ...  [@Paulus]‍ ... I will see if he'll pop by , which I'm sure he will .. you will get more from someone who has lost like you ... and I know men can find it hard to open up ..but trust me .. acknowledging those feelings are huge .. trying to take a day at a time ... try not to look ahead as then it's overwhelming... it's like being in the middle of a tornado, and loosing all sense of reality ...

Hold on to your family .. they will get you through this raw year ... it's o.k to feel angry .. o.k to cry ... o.k to want to yell at the world and cancer and how unfare it all is ... but remember those years before cancer .. that was her ... that's how she'd probly want you to remember her ... she's not gone ... she's tucked up in your heart now .. you'll carry her with you ... sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie xx

Thank you Both for your kind words .

I don't Normaly write on forums but last night I felt that I needed to tell someone what I was going through it took a lot to try and put it into words and I was reliving all the events that had happened whilst writing .I have friends who stop by but I don't want to be showing my feelings and having a breakdown in front of them .Even when people ask me if I'm ok .I have to hold it in I feel a lump in my throat and just know I'm about to go .I didn't understand loss before this happened .But now I know what people are going through to a certain extent .Ive never been an emotional person except with my Wife .She is the only one that seen my true feelings and we were very open with each other and always knew what to say .Such a kind selfless person .Sha always said life can be unfair so make the most of it .While in Hospital She Said go and do the things you always wanted .Very hard when you can't experience them with your Love .Im going through a range of emotions now .Anger Guilt Hurt and the Pain is so intense it feels like my Heart and Stomach are being pulled apart .

Thanks For listening It does help writing it down as I wouldn't be able to be this open in front of others .

Wayne

Hi Wayne...

Stay on here ... Paul will be by shortly ... he's amazing, was was just like how you are now ... chat to him, he will listen, as he still is on his grieving journey too .. but those things your feeling will in the end dampen .. your wife saw something spiecal in you ... she knew you well, and would want you to find a way of living with the pain ... and know she's watching over you ... they can see us ... talk to her ... say hi in the morning and night night before sleep ... 

It's a long hard journey through grief ... I'm sure Paul thought it would never ease ... but slowly slowly one step at a time ... it does ease ... I'm sure she'd be so very proud of you and how much you cared for her .. this is a "safe place" for our hearts to put down anything wer feeling and know no one will say it's o.k .. we all know the pain of loss ... but we can bring them with us through life .. and learn from the gifts they gave us ... I'm trying to make my mum proud.. I talk about her all the time .. esp on here .. and I lost her 30 years ago .. but she's still here in my heart .. and I look up to the stars and still ask her advice, and what I should do .. and it comes to me ... take care ... Chrissie x

I’m so sorry for yer loss my sister when through the same thing by the time it was diagnosed it was to late I know you miss her dearly but you can have peace she has no pain now if you need to talk I’m always here I took one day at a time loved mt sister dearly xx

Hi Jack I'm sorry for your loss .

Cancer is so cruel .Im sure their at peace but the devistation it leaves behind just so unfair .

I will try and keep posting on here hopefully talking to people in the same situation will ease my pain .

Thank you 

Hello Wayne

I am so sorry to read your post about the death of your beloved wife.  I can shut my eyes and go straight back to the horrible pain of grief that ripped through me in the first 2 months after losing my husband, Steve.  It left me breathless and sad beyond description.  Nothing I can say (or anyone else can say for that matter) is going to make this better for you.  You are on a path now that nobody wants to be on and there will be many, many times when you want to wander off, sit down, turn around.... you get the idea.  I am 5 months down the road and I still cry every day. 

A friend gave me 2 pieces of advice...... well 2 analogies that really helped me.

Picture your life as a stream that is bubbling along quite merrily. Then all of a sudden a great big huge boulder lands right in the middle of the stream and stops the water from flowing. That boulder is your grief.  The water backs up, nothing works as it did and the land surrounding the boulder becomes barren. But over time, slowly but surely, whilst the boulder never gets smaller, it never changes shape or moves in any way, the stream manages to find its way around the boulder until the stream and the boulder become one and you learn to live it. Just remember you are the water.  In your own time you will find a way.

The other piece of advice is a statement really.  "Losing your soulmate steals your future".  It's not like losing your parents or a sibling (although these must be horrific in their own right)  But losing your future also takes so much of your identify with it and you have to reinvent yourself.  That takes time, it can't be rushed and there will be times when things don't go according to plan.  Just remember that nothing is successfully invented "first time round".  It took Thomas Edison over 10,000 goes to produce a successful light bulb!!

Not sure if any of that helps but please keep popping back on here and checking in.  You will find support when you need it most

Ruth x

Hi Ruth 

Thank you for taking the time to offer your support .Im so sorry for your loss 5 months is such a short amount of time my Wife passed away just over a month ago but it feels like forever since we last spoke .

People said to me that once the funeral was over it will get easier .Making all the arrangements and dealing with banks etc was the only thing that kept me going .But now I have more time to reflect is making it harder .I got my guitar out tonight because I thought I might be able to get some respite from the pain .I wrote a song just words coming in to my head .The paper is soaked in my tears .May be that's a good way of getting my emotions out .

That statement is so true .We have had our futures taken from us .

How are you coping ? Is there anything that gives you comfort ?

Wayne xx

 Hi Wayne 

I don’t think anything gives me comfort really, other than the fact that Steve was ready to go. He had fought the good fight for 16 months but he was so poorly at the end, he was exhausted.  Thankfully we had time to say our goodbyes. In my darkest hours I look at the photographs of him when he was at deaths door (literally) and i’m so grateful he does not suffer any more.  I am just so sad he got cancer in the beginning. 

What does help, definitely for me, is crying. Getting the emotion out. You may be surprised in the next two or three months how quickly you can flit from being in the depths of despair to being “okay“.

 I find being outside and walking our little dog  is incredibly therapeutic  and uplifting. It gives me a chance to talk to Steve and tell him what the weather is like, what birds are singing, what trees are in bud  – that kind of thing. 

 I am lucky to be in counselling through the local hospice and that helps me. 

 In truth Wayne, do whatever you need to bring yourself some kind of solace.  And I love the idea of writing songs. 

 I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, take care