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Help. I think my best friend is faking cancer

Babsfab
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I don’t know where to start. I may go off on a tangent, so please bear with me. Ive been best friends with heather for nearly 40 years. We don’t see each other often these days (I’m married with 3 kids - she’s married with no kids). We meet up once a year and go away for 3-4 nights abroad (normally Scandinavia or Europe). We went away in February this year to Amsterdam and she was (for want of a better term batshit crazy). 

She claimed to have had cancer of the urethra several years ago. She has certainly never mentioned it before - she then went on to tell me she had been diagnosed with bowel cancer in October 2018. She said she had refused any treatment (chemotherapy or radiotherapy) . Please bear in mind she went on holiday abroad in the November, December,February (twice) then again in March (twice). Then several more trips planned for rest of the year. I mentioned that my mother in law had had advanced bowel cancer in 2001 and had the majority of her bowel removed. This has left her unable to go anywhere that doesn’t have a bathroom close to hand. She’s lucky in that she’s alive and doesn’t need a stoma, but it’s debilitating in other ways. As soon as heather heard me mention my mother in law she shut me down. “You are not to mention to either my husband or my mother that I have cancer “. She said it would kill them if they knew. 

This coming from a woman who previously admitted she was having an affair (with a man who is utterly deranged). She is effing up her entire life to put it politely. Her husband is (I have known him for years) a kind gentle man. Her mother is an elderly lady who she seems to get a perverse kick out of scaring thebejesus out of. 

What do I do? Do I cut all ties with her? ( my husband and eldest daughter think I should). Do I call her husband and ask him straight out what is going on? (She has just told me she is taking her lovers daughter away on holiday). I really don’t know what the hell to do. Any advice - whether you say I’m interfering or what will be appreciated!!! 

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    I can certainly understand why you think she is fabricating her illness. Amongst other things, I'm sure her husband would have sussed it out if she has had bowel cancer since October!

    She sounds like a very sad person who needs to make her life sound interesting because she thinks it isn't! I'm no psychologist but the fact she's always on holiday tells me she can't settle in one place for any length of time & is always searching for something exciting in her life. Sadly, the attention she will get from her friends when she mentions cancer will make her feel good, for a short time. 

    I've never had personal experience of anyone like this but a good friend (S)who sadly passed away recently with cancer, had a similar situation with an old friend. When S was diagnosed with terminal cancer her good friend suddenly had a terrible heart disease which left her in a wheelchair. Over the next few months it became obvious that her illness wasn't serious & she didn't need a wheelchair but she wouldn't admit to lying because now she had all the attention that their friends had been giving S. My friend decided she didn't need this emotional stress in her final months so she firmly but fairly cut all ties with her friend. 

    I think, if I was in your position, I would quietly detach myself from the friendship. As you don't see her much anyway you can find reasons not to meet up & say you can't afford to go away next time. I wouldn't speak to her family, it may be that her husband knows he's married to a 'Walter Mitty' character and puts up with it. If she cottons on that she's losing your friendship she may come clean & explain her actions. Personally I think she needs counselling but there is no point confronting her as it would probably just get messy. xx

     

  • Offline in reply to AngieT

    How could you find out if someone near you was faking having any sort of cancer? 
    Does anyone know the shortest amount of time someone with cancer receives radiotherapy? And what are the main symptoms? 

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    Hello Babstab.

                           the best place to be with a capsizing ship is on a lifeboat a short distance away,not on it,and at some time in the future,your best friend might be in need of rescue,so a detached distance mentally might seem to be a good option at the moment.As in most things,the truth becomes clearer over time,and it is all too easy to jump to quick conclusions as to what lies behind her current actions.Friends for over 40 years do not come along all that often,so its worth making an effort not to lose it,so stepping back a little seems a small price to pay.

                                                                 good luck,

                                                                                  David

     

  • Offline in reply to helpme3000

    Hello Helpme3000,

                                   seeing that someone has cancer is fraught with the sometimes impossible,unless they are at the very late stage with their bodies organs affected so badly they are heading into shutdown.Very often what you see with someone going through cancer are the severe effects of the treatment being given to cure them.l was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer with spread to the liver,and there was no way you could have told this from my appearance,my physical condition and ability to work long 7 day weeks,with no signs of fatigue.l was just very fortunate that a neighbour had bowel cancer and conversing with him had raised my awareness,so when l spotted a small amount of stale blood in my stool, l jumped quickly for an investigation.Had l not have done,l would have carried on until the point of the obvious,which would have been game over.Cancer does not arrive for a lot of people with bells and whistles,and can be slow moving or rapidly aggressive,no one size to fit all.

    Not all cancers will need radiotherapy,some will be palliative,some like mine will be in a matter of a few weeks,trying to hold spread and shrink it back until l could get on an operating table,whilst others will be post operative to mop up any stray cells.length of treatment varies with individuals,from a few weeks to months

     The main symptoms would be fatigue in varying degrees from mild to utter exhaustion, sickness,,skin rash,loss of sex drive,erectile disfunction,and can generally play havoc with body functions but some people will sail through and have little or no side effects.Most will only suffer short time,but others will carry the resulting damage to their grave

                In short, dangerous to rush to conclusions based upon what you think you see,looks can often be deceptive,

                      David

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