Hi [@jodyb]‍ ,

I'm very sorry for your lost. My boyfriend is still alive, however his cancer is terminal. I cannot give advice on grieving yet, but I would like to express my condolences anyway. 
Your story is very tragic and you did right coming here because you will find people going through similar feelings. 
In this section of the forum you have conversations about Coping with loss:
www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../coping-with-loss

I think is understandable that you are in pain now, I imagine what you went through and what you are going now, and is terribly sad. I think for the moment it's normal to grieve and have those feelings because you cared for and loved your husband. I hope that you'll feel better with time, although I believe this changes our lives forever.

Please be free to reach me or post here in case you need.

Take care****

Thank you for your lovely reply.

I signed up to this site as a way of coping by talking to others who are going through similar situations. In real life I have to be the strong one for his children's sake (all grown up now) so it is nice to be able to say I am feeling bad without worrying about upsetting others.

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend. When my husband's care became palliative we talked at length about his funeral and it has been planned according to his wishes so tomorrow will be a Rod Stewart fest! This just about makes it bearable as I know he will be looking down and laughing at all of us.

Thank you again for your kind words

Jo

Hi Jo,

Welcome to the forum, although I regret the reason that you have joined us for.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and, am sending you my sincere sympathy.

I hope that the funeral goes well tomorrow. We held my 97 year old father-in-law's funeral in February and, had some unusual songs played . One was 'I'm forever blowing bubbles', which his grandchildren had requested. There was a story as to why this was chosen, which the celebrant told us. We tried to make it a celebration of his life, as we had done for his wife just 4 months earlier.

Unfortunately, the speed with which he was taken had left us all shell-shocked. He had 5 days from diagnosis to death.

Sadly, there are a number of people in the same boat as you. You will find most of them in the 'Dying with Cancer' or 'Coping with Loss' sections of this site on the left of this page.

Rod Stewart should be very appropriate, especially as your husband has chosen him. I shall be thinking of you tomorrow.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you for your reply. I was worried about joining this site in case people 'trolled' you like they do on social media (I must be the only person in the world without a Facebook account).

Trev was only 63 which makes it all the harder to comprehend that he is gone. Thank you for the usefull advice on finding the most appropriate sections on the site as I am still getting used to navigating it.

Jo 

HI Jo,

The moderators here are very 'on the ball' and, I have never had any problem with 'trolls' in my 9 years on this site. I don't trust social media either.

I am sure that you never expected Trev to pass at only 63 and, you will still have to cope with expectations that you both had for the years to come.

Are you close to his children? I hope that they give you the support you deserve at this time.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Jolamine xx

Hi

I have only had kind responses so far which is heartening.

Although I get on with his children we are not especially close as they were in their final year of university (twins) when me and Trev got together. They have been very kind throughout his last few weeks though and have visited several times since Trev has gone. I have been assured that I will continue to be 'nanny Jo' to my step-grandson which is a blessing.

Trev took early retirement at 60 and we bought a static caravan in Devon but I am letting it out this season as can't think about going down there without him, it is just too raw at the moment.

Would it be too personal to ask if you lost someone special when you started using this site 9 years ago? If so, does it get easier over time?

Thank you for your kind comments

Jo

 Hello there, I am so sorry to hear of the death of your husband. I absolutely can empathise with you. I lost my beloved husband of 30 years in November last. Today nearly 4 months on, I struggle every day to try and make sense of what happened, to try and motivate myself to get up and get out of the house and do something and to try, as Steve asked me to, to live for two.  Nothing anyone can say or do is going to make this go away, it is the most horrific experience we are ever likely to go through and I firmly believe, as someone else says, our lives are irrevocably changed. From my personal experience I can tell you that in so many ways today feels better than the first few weeks after Steve died but in many other ways it feels worse because life is moving on without him. However, I take comfort from the fact that I know Steve had had enough, he was ready to let go and we were so lucky to be able to say goodbye to each other.  It is small comfort now but I hope in the months and years ahead I will look back on the last few weeks of his life and know that we lived a life time in them. Nothing was left unsaid and he died knowing he was loved. 

 This forum and the people on it have been so supportive and inspirational to me. Even if you don’t feel you can contribute please keep popping back to visit, you never know when someone might say something that will resonate with you or, when you feel able, you are able to support someone else. 

 Most important now is that you let yourself grieve, there is no right or wrong, there is no time frame just let the feelings come and go and roll with them. 

 Take care 

Ruth xx

Hi Jo

You will get some good, honest answers from people on this site. People here have experienced what you have and know what they are talking about.

I am glad to hear that the children have all rallied around whilst Trev was ill and since he went. I can understand why you feel too raw to use your caravan this year. One of my friends lost her husband a few years ago and kept her caravan for 5 years after. She sold it last year, as she felt it was too much to deal with it on her own.

I came to this site when I was first diagnosed with cancer myself. I have a rare type of breast cancer, which only 1% of people get and, I was trying to find out more about it. I got such tremendous help and support from people, who are sadly no longer here, that I have stayed to try and help others. In a way this helps me too.

Sadly, I have lost a number of other relatives and friends to cancer since. I lost my mum to secondary cancer 21 years ago and, I could definitely have benefitted from a site like this at the time. My father-in-law's death was the most recent one we had. He was a very active man of 97 who looked after his wife of 80 years until she died 4 months earlier. He went downhill very quickly after she passed. Eventually, he went into hospital for assessment. Later on the day he was admitted we were told that he had cancer throughout his body. Within 6 days of this diagnosis, he was dead. We are all still reeling by the speed with which this happenned.

Feeling angry and sad are all part of the grieving process. It does get easier with time, but this comes slowly. It is still early days for you, but you will gradually find that things improve for you.

I shall be thinking of you tomorrow and hope that you will find the strength to give Trev the send off he deserves.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx