Hi there ...

I'm afraid no one prepairs us for these situations .. they teach us how to look after babies .. and about sex in schools .. they can teach us mouth to mouth resuscitation ... first aid ... but there's no teaching us how to deal with loosing someone ... yet we all go through it ...

All I can say , is live in the day ... don't look to far ahead ... know you will have every emotion you can imagine .. but give yourself permission to feel what ever your feeling and know that's o.k ... it's holding it in that does so much damage .. when you can share tears, and both admit your scared ... and leave nothing unsaid ... he may know more then you think, but is holding it in ...

If you can do those things, you will walk his last journey holding his hand ... once your gently honest, he can be too .. it's too late to talk when they go ... and then the regret sets in ... and know that feeling of wanting it over is because you love him so much, and want his pain to stop ... you don't want them to go, but it's harder watching it happening and we can't take it away ...

Cancer wants you to feel weak and sad ... but I know on my cancer journey I'm sticking two fingers up to cancer ... I'll make every day count ... and stuff in as many memories as l can ... so don't waste a minute .. and just being there will mean more then you'll ever know ... my mum went suddenly with a heart attack ... what I'd give for just one hour ... you can always come on here and get feelings out .. lots of us have been where you are now .. sending you a vertual hug ... Chrissie x

Hi Bluevelvet,

Welcome to the forum, although I’m sorry for the reason that you’ve had to join us. I have just recently lost my father-in-law to secondary cancer and know just how hard it is to go through what you are going through. We lost my mother-in-law just 4 months to the day earlier. I also nursed both of my parents with it and have had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself in the past 9 years. My father-in-law died within 6 days of diagnosis and it may seem a terrible thing to say, but I’m glad that he didn’t linger any longer.

It really is heart-breaking looking at a loved one who is ebbing away right in front of your eyes, when, sadly, there is nothing you can do to stop the process. Some people don’t want to know if they are dying, whilst others want to know every little detail. Only you can judge this for your dad.

The way that you are feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances. You will experience all sorts of emotions and possibly even cry a lot when you are on your own. Are you looking after him on your own, or do you have other family or friends who can help out? It is a huge ask to do it all on your own.

He will find the fact that you are there with him a great help. Talk to him and make sure that you don’t leave anything left unsaid – you don’t want regrets later on. Ensure that he is a comfortable as possible and make certain that his pain is well controlled.

Is your dad at home or is he in hospital?  Have you been given any idea of his prognosis? Has his care team discussed having carers at home, or getting him into a hospice? There is quite a waiting list for the hospice, but the care that he would receive there is second to none and, much more suitable to end of life care.

We are always here for you, whenever you want to talk, get information or advice, or simply want to rant. We know exactly what you are going through, as we’ve walked the road you’re on, so nothing surprises us.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, thanks for your reply. He's much weaker and tired today. A lot less chat and his voice is hoarse and quiet. He is at home with my step mom but her health is not great. I only live 10 miles away and am there every day and stay at night if things are bad. I know I have ran myself into the ground between my children and his care. My husband is great but you still feel guilty and feel you are neglecting everything else. My dad is a very independent man and the steroids make him feel more capable than he is which has led to falls. He was diagnosed with the brain mets 5 weeks ago and prognosis was weeks or short months. We have taken him out and made memories when he was able and am making the most of every moment. He loves his garden so had his grass cut and managed to get him outside yesterday to sit for a while. Today is different, tired, sleepy and irritable.  He calls me his right arm and I hope I am strong enough to love and support him to the end. The forum is a wonderful place and I wish I had joined sooner. Thanks again.x

Thankyou so much and what u say is so true. We had his grass cut and managed to get him out to sit in the garden that he loves. I bought him his favourite plants today and put them at the window so he can see them bloom. He calls me his right arm and your right, 2 fingers to cancer because I will make memories with him everyday to the end. Thanks again for your reply.x

Hi there ...

I've just read your reply with tears in my eyes ...  so many don't make the most of those last precious days / weeks we get .. because the pain is overwhelming ... 

Cancer sucks .. and it trys to take that last precious time away from us ... we can wait for the storm to pass, or we can learn to dance in the rain ... those flowers are a wonderful thought ... when cancer makes me want to look down, l refuse, and look up to the stars instead ... 

My thoughts are with you .. and you've got my angel looking over you too .. jolomine got me through my dark days ... hold on ... we both have been where you are now ... sending you a vertual hug...

Chrissie

HI Bluevelvet,

You will have good days and bad. This lovely mild February is ideal for anyone who is fond of their garden. What a brilliant idea to cut his grass and plant his favorite plants at the window, where he can see them bloom. What are the chances of getting anyone to sit in their garden at this time of year? I'm sure that he really enjoyed surveying his nice neat garden in this unprecedented weather.

I am so sorry to hear that he was not so good yesterday. You may find that he will get more sleepy as time passes. This also tends to happen if his pain killing meds need to be increased in strength. You are so right to make the most of any time he has left and, to make as many precious memories as you can while he is able.

I feel for you trying to juggle family life along with caring for your dad. What ages are your children? I had to do this when my parents were ill and, ended up in hospital myself just 3 weeks after we buried my mum. Have you looked into the possibility of having carers coming into the house to look after your dad's personal needs? When my mother-in-law was ill for the past 4 years, we consulted a social worker, who arranged for carers to come in 4 times a day to look after her. This took a lot of pressure off my father-in-law and ourselves and gave us more quality time with her. She also offered us someone to sit with her at night to let my father-in-law get some sleep, but we declined this, as my father-in-law found having carers in throughout the day was quite an intrusion of his privacy and opted for looking after her himself at night.

They also put in a hospital bed and gave her a lot of equipment which helped her to get around while she was able. One of the amazing things is that all of these were free of charge. We really are lucky to be living in the UK.

How is your step-mom coping with all this?

Your dad's right arm has more strength than she is aware of. This is something that grows as his needs progress and, you will come out of this a much stronger person.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx