Hi,

You have just been thrown a real googlie this time. I am so sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis. It sounds as if you better get busy making  that soup and downloading some box sets. If you start on the gin, you may not stop!

Can I ask what age your wife and children are? Children can be very perceptive and have big ears. The last thing you want is for them to overhear something, so now that you know what you are facing, you are probably best to tell them.

How you tell them will depend upon their ages. If they are still quite young, they don't need chapter and verse. Just a simple explanation will do. If they are older, then honesty is usually the best policy. It is normally much easier for all of the family to cope with when you can talk openly to one another about it. You may also find it helpful for some or all of your family to talk to a counsellor about how they feel. This isn't for everybody, but some people find this a great help. It can take a long time to organise, so if you feel that this might help, start setting it in motion now.

Yes, it would be better if the cancer hadn't spread to the lymph nodes, but this is not the end of the world. There are many different types of breast cancer. Some are more agressive than others. There is also a grading system from 1-4. Grade 1 is an early stage and it gets more serious as it climbs up to grade 4. The size of the tumour is also a factor, as is the patient's age and general health.

Your wife's care team is giving her chemo first to try and stop the spread and, reduce the size of any cancer in her breast and lymph nodes.

I have been in the same position as your wife, with a clear routine mastectomy just months before my diagnosis. There are a number of other people on this site who have also found this. My particular cancer doesn't always show up on ultrasound or mammogram, so I presume that this is why I slipped through the net

I was diagnosed with mucinous cancer 9 years ago and had a lumpectomy. I was told that I was fortunate, as this is a less agressive type. Only a year later, I had another lump in the same breast. This turned out to be another primary of the same type of cancer and, I had a double mastectomy. Why this cropped up again so quickly is a mystery.

Just a word of reassurance here, I was terrified at the thought of a double mastectomy, but that was the least stressful part of my journey so far. I also felt much more convinced that I had got rid of the cancer in my breasts, than I did when I had my lumpectomy.

Instead of torturing yourself asking why, when there is no answer, try to look at this positively - not easy I know. Your positivity will rub off on to your wife and children and make all of this so much easier for you all to cope with it. It sounds as if you and your wife have a good relationship, cancer can put a tremendous strain on this. All you can do is to be there for her. If possible accompany her to all of her appointments, especially those where she expects to get results.

She is likely to be extremely tired while undergoing chemo. Any help with household chores will be much appreciated. Ironing can be difficult, as can any chore involving stretching her arm above her head. She may well feel nauseous, so preparing family meals can be difficult. She shouldn't be lifting anything heavy after her mastectomy. Do you have any relatives who could help you out with some of these chores? Take every offer of help given.

How has your wife reacted to her diagnosis? Many of us get very emotional at this stage and also tend to cry a lot for the slightest thing. Crying is therapeutic as it reduces stress. So long as she is mostly doing this privately and not upsetting the children, I wouldn't worry too much aout this.

I am glad that you mention the urge to be protective. We nearly all fear the worst when we get a diagnosis like this. Your wife will need a lot of reassurance that you still love her and that the children still love her. Make memories as a family, talk to her - don't leave anything left unsaid. Are there any people she might like to see or places she might like to go? If so, perhaps you could arrange this? She doesn't need big gestures, just small reassuring ones.

I lost my mum to secondary breast cancer 21 years ago. She had primary breast cancer for 12 years until it spread into her liver, lungs, brain and bones. At that time, the very word cancer conjured up a death sentence. Fortunately, great strides have been made since then and, many people are now living with cancer.

I sincerely hope that your wife will join the ranks of the latter.

Please keep us updated on her progress and, on how you get on with telling the children. Remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi there ..

Those words jolomine has given you, got me through my early days .. they are wise words ... 

All I can add is, I had a masectomy July 2017 ... thought it was only a mater of months if I were lucky .. I had a grade 3 ... l came on here feeling lost, and scared .. it was only when I realised cancer does not discriminate ... old , young , fit , unhealthy , all colours, religions ... none are spared .. even babies get this crule cancer ...

Cancer wants us to give up, feel helpless, lay down and never get up ..well we've all been where your family are now .. and l found, after those feelings come out ... and you say to yourself, it's o.k to feel scared ... it's o.k to cry .. and most of all like jolomine says , it's better walked together, sharing feelings ..

I know men often feel helpless, because they can't FIX it .. and that's true .. but you being by her side, every step of the way ... Will do more then you will ever know ... once you get your head around it, get a vertual pair of boxing gloves on, get in this ring with all of us, ready to trade it blow for blow .. because there's lots of us breast lasses on here .. all joined along the way .. all holding each other up .. all still standing ... they are the most amazing bunch I've ever had the privilege to chat too ... 

Yes it's a rollercoaster ride .. but when we fight back, I'm sure that cancer better watch out ... wer all comming after it ... you hear all the sad story's. . The ones still holding on , you don't hear so much of ... and here I am 18 months on, and doing well .. 

So stop thinking you have to be superman ... your just human ... gentle honesty with the kids ... and let them know it's o.k for them to share tears too .. l told my then 5 year old granddaughter that nanny was very poorly and the Drs were going to TRY to make nanny better .. she even saw my scar a few months after , and was worried I couldn't feed babies with no boob ... I was 63 then ... 

How you act now, will reflect how they act .. children are stronger then we realise ... but it's in the way you tell them .. and saying your scared too , will help them share their feelings ... 

Chrissie x