Oh bless ya ...

Grief is so confusing ... Like you I adored my mum ... And thought in my head I'd crumble and cry forever .. I was 36 when she had a heart attack....  No chance to say how much I loved her ... She was a fantastic Nan to my two boys ... 

But you know it was like she was saying to me ... I'm not in that box ... I'm right here beside you .. and felt a peece that I can't explain ... Yes I've had tears along the way ... And so confused why I wasn't more upset .... But you know I've felt her so close over the years ... Little things that told me she was around ...

When my oldest son had a motorbike accident ... As they took his helmet off there was a perfect kiss mark on his forehead the colour lipstick she used to wear ... Did she save him that day ... She always used to kiss him there ...  And me, when I got breast cancer ... I found white feathers everywhere... Esp in my bra... The day they told me no spread ... And it was contained and low risk of spread ... The feathers stopped...

So take heart ... He's not left you... He lives tucked up safe in your heart now, where no one can take him away ... It's not the tears you cry ... It's the love in your heart ... Chrissie xx

Thank you for reply.

i just feel so guilty I just can't make any sense of it 

There is no sense ... so just go with how you feel ... there's no normal ... everything is just your brain trying to make sense of things... instead of just feeling whatever you feel ... and know it's normal ... it's a bit like a rollercoaster of emotion ... the first year is like a raw wound that won't heal ... 

So be kind to your self ... and don't try to make sense of things ... just go with them ... x