Hi Angel,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and offer my sincere condolences. Watching a loved one die is never easy. My mum had breast cancer for 12 years before it spread to liver, lungs, brain and bone. She too had a very difficult death. I have had 2 bouts of cancer myself in the past 8 years and only hope that I don't linger as she did towards the end.

Many people are highly sedated towards the end of life and appear to sleep away peacefully, but many have a struggle before they reach the end. I have just lost my mother-in-law who has battled to live for a  number of years. She didn't have a peaceful passing either. I now find it hard to remember the kind and vibrant woman who welcomed me into the family so openly when I married her son. I still have memories imprinted on my brain of the hard times she's had. This is not uncommon when someone passes, but with time you will be able to remember your mum with a smile as you recall happier times together.

Five weeks is not a long time to come to terms with your loss. Be a little kinder to yourself. People cope with grief in different ways and it can take some years to come to terms with everything that has happened. Do you have any relatives or friends who you can bare your soul to? It is so much easier to accept things when you can talk about your mum openly with a confidante. Have you considered seeing a counsellor? This isn't for everyone, but it can be a great help to some. There are many charities who offer this service free of charge.

I am thinking of and praying for you to find peace. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine

Thanks for taking the time to respond I really appreciate it 

im sorry to hear that you also have had this horrible disease and I hope it’s under control for you and that you’re feeling well . 

Im sorry too about your mum and mother in law , life can be so cruel , fragile and just unfair . 

When you mentioned people being heavily sedated at the end , it was something that I had such conflicting feelings about. .i feel the hospice staff were a bit too slow to sedate mum more .. she literally had to beg saying «  I want this agony to be over «  they adjusted all medications after this telling us she would be sleepier . It took a long time and more suffering till this kicked in and that was after several days of severe pain , muscle jerking , emotional pain . They said ethically they couldn’t have increased this sooner .. Even as she’s was getting sleepier she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t move herself in bed , for example or swallow , she was distressed and all I could do was hug her , hold her hand and say I was sorry it was so difficult for her ..

It was just torture and she’s had already suffered so much with courage and good spirits .

My daughter and I left where we live to go and live with mum for the last 3 months of her life , it was a wonderful time and I’m grateful for that and have no guilty feeling so in the regard of doing my best for her . Now , however I’m back home . We live in west Africa so there are none of the service she you might take for granted in the U.K. or Ireland :( I think because I kept coming and going from here to look after mum I never made any strong friendship here , even after almost 3 years :( I would happily go to a counsellor but there aren’t any who speak English here . My sisters and brothers are all suffering too , my dad is the last person I could talk to :( 

Thanks for listening and writing all of this is therapy in itself .

Hi Angel,

I am so sorry to hear about how upsetting things were for your family at the end. I’m sure that your mum appreciated the time you and your daughter spent with her in the last 3 months, as much as you both did.

I didn’t realize that you lived so far away. This must make it more difficult to find any facilities to help you come to terms with your loss. Is your dad still in the UK? It sounds as if you have a large family. Can you all help one another? You should find that with time, you will be able to discuss memories of your mum with fondness and a smile, rather than having all these upsetting memories of her latter days.

Sharing happier times with loved-ones, can help to come to terms with their passing. You will never forget your mum. I lost mine 21 years ago and still miss her every day. I have however come to accept that she couldn’t stay with us forever and that she is now at peace and no longer suffering.

You did all you could for your mum whilst she was alive. This is the most important factor to hold on to. Don’t let the frustration you felt at the end eat away at you inside. Some people do pass peacefully, but for others it is a struggle. There is nothing anyone can do in such circumstances.

I am thinking of and praying for you and your family and hope that you can eventually come to accept that she is now in a better place.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you for your response . Actually, even in this short time I feel I am already moving past focussing too much on the difficult death part and starting to talk about her in funny ways with my daughter and husband . I had a lot of anticipatory grief through her illness and especially in the last year . I feel this has helped the grieving process for me . At the time of the death and immediately after I could have done with some counselling as to what constitutes a normal cancer death and how to deal with a more difficult death . However time and my own thought process seems to be helping . It’s very kind of you to help people on here . My family live in Ireland and at the mom everyone seems to be dealing individually. My father will never talk about his feelings so not sure what the future will bring there . I think the family will be forever fractured without mum to hold us together. For now though , I will focus on my little family . Thank you again and good luck to you :) 

Hi Angel,

I know what you mean about the anticipatory grief. I had this too and was relieved for my mum when she passed. She had suffered so much for 13 years, that I felt even she couldn't fight it any more.

I am glad that you can discuss you mum in better times with your daughter and husband - you will always hold her in your heart.

Sadly, there is no such thing as a normal cancer death. We are all individuals and we all pass in our own way. You often find that families do fracture when the mum is no longer there to keep them together. It is really is up to you and your siblings not to let this happen.

I am glad to hear that you are focussing on your own family and moving forward. If cancer does nothing else it certainly makes us aware of the important things in life.

Thinking of you and hoping that it continues to get easier with time.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

My nanny died yesterday of ovarian cancer too. It spread all the way up to her diaphragm and she too had agitation and a traumatic death. I wasnt present. But my mum was. The thought of it is haunting. I worry it will affect my mum for a long time to come.

Sorry to hear about your nanny . Yes , in my experience it will haunt her for some time . If she can talk and you’re willing to listen that could be a great support . In my experience I found talking about the awfulness of the death helpful , very few people can really listen though and focus way too much on rushing that stage and moving on to thinking about the good times bla bla . I think there’s a time to focus on the unfairness of having a horrible death . Then healing can come . All the best to you and your mum