Hi, I’m Jan and I’ve reluctantly entered the world of cancer. I’ve read quite a few posts and already derived a bit of comfort by finding I’m not alone. I had invasive ductal carcinoma diagnosed last Friday from two biopsied spots that appeared on my nipple. I’d have ignored them had my late mum not had (and survived) breast cancer twice. I am swamped by fear. I’ve suffered all my life with anxiety, agoraphobia and emetophobia and, after my initial rude word, all I could think of was being sick! At that point, all I had to worry about was sickness related to surgery. I was offered a choice of a central segmentectomy with a short course of radiotherapy (everyone tells me the only effect is tiredness, soreness, not nausea - the burning question) or a full mastectomy with no further treatment, possibly tamoxifen. 

Even tho the cancer was there, it still didn’t show on a mammogram so we were still optimistic. Then I had ultrasound because there was a possible shadow in my armpit. I’m now awaiting the results of lymph biopsies on Friday. I can’t describe how paralysing my fear is. Not fear of the cancer - it’s been caught early - but of being trapped, out of my own control, having to be driven by other people and, worst, feeling or being sick. I’ve managed to eat a single slice of toast each day since then!  My unfamiliar GP was useless, assuring me all women experience this anxiety - with all due respect, this is not fear of cancer or death, it’s fear of fear which is different - but she wasn’t listening to me, she’d made her assumptions and offered nothing to help the fear that I dont already have. I was so angry, I even had a brief respite from my anxiety!

I’m so confused. How could mammograms and ultrasounds not pick up cancer? I thought that was the point of them. I’ve posted in Newly Diagnosed with my question about surgery options, another area of confusion. Then, if the lymph biopsies are bad, chemotherapy will be required and I know I can’t live with that. Those of you with emetophobia or similar problems will understand and maybe reassure me about my fears. Mainly I am struggling to control my fear which at times is unbearable - not fear of cancer but fear of my fear! I’m a mess.

Also, how do you cope with your partner’s worries?? My husband is not good with emotions and won’t talk about things, never has. He’s reeling, not sleeping, thinking about death all the time (thanks mate). I’ve tried to protect him as far as possible but in the end opted for complete honesty but I don’t have the strength to support him and deal with myself! He won’t talk to his friends and that GP said she didn’t have time to speak to him - the one time I’ve got him to go to the doctor’s surgery!!

Sorry to whinge but even a rainbow couldn’t cheer me right now!