Hi,

I am so sorry to hear of your tragic circumstances. It must be so difficult trying to deal with all that is happening whilst trying to keep things as normal as possible for your three young children. Sadly, I am no stranger to the devastation that cancer can bring. I have lost both of my parents, many family members and close friends and have had 2 bouts myself.

The one thing that I have discovered in the 8 years since I was first diagnosed is that you cannot fight this alone. It is just not possible to look after your husband, work and look after your children, home, etc, without heading for a meltdown. I know that many ladies on this great site will agree with me when I say  accept all offers of help no matter how small. We all have to start somewhere, so if your friends and family don’t have any experience of cancer, they will soon. It doesn’t really matter whether or not they do. The most important thing is that their hearts are in the right place.

Help can come in different guises. It may be someone taking the children to school and dropping them home again, someone cooking meals for you and dropping them in, help with washing and ironing, cleaning the house, caring for the garden, sitting with the children to oversee their homework, etc. We all have this type of experience even if we’ve never been touched by cancer.

Do you have family or close friends who you can bare your soul to? Discussing your feelings openly with someone does help to lessen the burden. I don’t know what the position is in the USA. Here in the UK we are fortunate enough to have organisations like the Haven, Maggies, MacMillan and many others. These all have an open door policy, where we can pop in for a chat and a cuppa or we can make appointments for a relaxing time with yoga, reiki, reflexology, Indian head massage, etc. I can appreciate that with 3 children this may not be of much use to you, but it does help you to relax and reduces the stress a little.

These wonderful organisations also offer counselling and, this is something that you might benefit from. I was very reluctant to use this service to start with, but I must confess that I have found their help invaluable. They can also be very helpful with the children. I don’t know how much you’ve told them, but children are very quick to pick up on changes within a family and they may have fears of their own which they don’t want to burden you with. They offer many other services too, although some are more geared to the cancer patient than the family. The amazing thing about all of these services is that they are free of charge.

Try not to look too far ahead. Take life one day at a time. There may come a time when it is hour by hour, but that is more than enough to cope with for now.

I am thinking and praying for you and your family. Please keep in touch. You will find this a great place to come to in your darkest moments, as we all know what you are going through. We all have our own cancer journeys to deal with and, although they may be for different cancers, the devastation, fear and anxieties are the same. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you Jolamine for your insight. I cannot begin to even imagine the journey that has been yours and the effects of cancer on yourself and your loved ones. I am only now starting to realize how cancer has touched such a vast array of souls. 

I know you are right about accepting help, and not necessarily expecting complete understanding from those giving it. I suppose it just feels at times that when people ask me how my husband is, they aren’t really wanting an honest answer. But I will seek out a support group. The UK has much better offerings on social services then US, but there must be some carers type support available. 

I do hope you’re doing well with your own cancer challenges, and thanks so much for sharing your wisdom/experiences

Hi,

I am glad to hear that you are willing to accept help and to seek out a support group. If you ask some of your husband’s care team I’m sure that they will be able to point you in the right direction.

“I suppose it just feels at times that when people ask me how my husband is, they don’t really want an honest answer”. How true this is. In many cases this is because they don’t want a diatribe from you and they don’t fully understand what you are going through. There is a sort of unspoken embarrassed apology that they don’t really know what to say to you.

I now plaster a smile on my face and say that I’m fine, even when I’m not. One thing that cancer does teach us is what our priorities are in life. We are fortunate here in the UK in that we have services for looking after people who need care at home and again this is all free of charge. At present my mother-in-law is at end of life and she has carers coming in 4 times a day as well as the district nurse. She has a hospital bed at home and is as comfortable as she can be. This can be quite an intrusion on my father-in-law, but he eventually had to admit that he couldn’t cope on his own. It sounds as if you are at the same stage that he was a few months ago - just at the end of your tether. I do hope that you can get some support in the USA.

Have you looked on the American Cancer forums? If you post there I am sure that you will find communications from others who have gone through what you are going through at the moment and, they may be able to tell you where they have managed to get support.

How is your husband coping with his diagnosis? It must be very difficult for a man of his age to accept such a prognosis.

Do keep in touch.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Britain is really good when it comes to in home care. My nan had people coming in 3 times daily before she finally had to go into full time care. The US doesn’t really have the same care offerings, and if they did, we would pay through the nose for it.

I did attempt to join a US cancer site however, since my husband elected to have alternative treatment in Mexico rather than chemo (which was only offered as palliative), these cancer groups weren’t keen on me joining. Sadly I am finding that cancer in the US is a huge money maker for pharmaceutical companies and any treatment other than standard chemo, surgery and radiation is viewed poorly. 

My husband has been immensely brave throughout, and spends more time comforting me than vice versa. I think the hardest part for him is his worry for me and our children. And then the pain. He had trouble sleeping last night due to pain, gut wrenching for me to witness.