Hello J500; welcome.  It is not uncommon for cancer patients to try to shield their families from what is happening and sometimes they are shielding themselves too by refusing to think about it.  Don't know which category your mum comes into.  If you believe it is you she is shielding then perhaps a frank conversation may help.  Tell her that by not giving you any definite information your mind is running riot and you would be more able to cope if you actually knew what is going on.  If she doesn't want to tell you herself you could ask her if she would speak with her doctor and get him or her to give  you all the necessary information.

It is difficult to know what to expect.  Two patients with identical problems can vary greatly.  My son's father and a cousin of my mum were both diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer with very similar treatments and features.  He died within three months - she is going strong two years after diagnosis, getting out and about.  She has bad moments and tires easily but is enjoying life.

Apart from just wanting to know, as your mum's cancer is spreading and she is having difficulties it would help both of you to know what to expect and what you should do to help as the disease progresses.  So I hope you can persuade her to let you into what is happening and what is expected.  Best wishes.  Annie

Hi. Thankyou for replying and sorry to read of your heartache too. 

I know you are right, its broaching it..  Not only getting the words out, but getting them out with no tears.

My mum had breast cancer years ago 2000 and had a mastectomy a year ir 2 later. Very soon after that early 2004 my dad was diagnosed with grade 4 glioblastoma multiforma. He passed away a few months later in the july of 2004.

I know when the breast cancer came back as secondary she was heartbroken having to tell us all again. Not only because of her own illness but because we had already lost dad. I know that is at the forefront of her mind.

I cant imagine how hard its been for her to tell us she was sick again. There are 4 of us, me my sister and 2 brothers  all adults but we are still her kids.

She has a new partner now, and has done for a few years and he is a godsend. He dotes on her, looks after her and keeps her smiling. I know she worries for him too. I do too. I cant imagine watching your other half go through it. 

Her bones are very brittle and recently one of her back discs has crumbled too. She has developed marks on her face, tumour growths, and i can see a colour change in her skin, that along with the weight loss, the visible toll is clear. 

Ive told her whatever she wants to do im behind and with her 150%...be it stop a medication if its making her feel worse, ir for her to choose to stop altogether. It was hard saying it because im devastated, but it is her life and body., she has to bare the daily physical pain not us. 

I pick up bits and pieces through different conversations such as liver growths, growths around her other organs, time discussions  all of which have been and gone and she has surpassed them. She is a fighter, but recently i can see the extra level of exhaustion. 

Im already hearrbroken at knowing whats on the horizon and part of me doesnt want to have the conversation and to try and take each day as a gift, but the other part of me darent not ask in case its a lot less than my senses tell me and i miss opportunities to see her.

The guilt i feel for ny selfishness is horrendous. But i dont want to face it because i feel like im breaking in to tiny pieces. 

Sorry for the huge post. 

Hi j500, 

so sorry to hear about your lovely mum and the heartache of losing your dad. I can relate to your post so much. My mum has been fighting cancer for 2 years and got told no cancer evident, until 2 weeks ago when we were told it has spread to her pelvis. Since then my mum seems to have gone down hill rapidly and is currently trying to get over sepsis in hospital. I feel completely devastated that I see my mum going through pain Day in day out, I think I’m fine and then all of a sudden burst into tears wherever I am. My heart is so hurt and feel I’ll never get back to the happy person I was before my lovely mum had the cancer. We have so much uncertainty as the consultant has said mum has months if not weeks with us. My mum is in denial and doesn’t know the full extent of how serious her condition is. My mum is still young at 64, I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who all cope in different ways but we do support each other. My mum has a partner who has been amazing and totally heartbroken when she finally goes to be with her mum. 

If ever you feel like a chat or even to vent your anger or frustration I’m always here. 

Take care. Xx