Hello I'm 31 years old and my mam passed away 5 years ago to lung cancer. She was only 4,  She was diagnosed early December 2012 and on the 25th January 2013 she passed away, rather a quick process as from the 23rd of December she started to struggle to eat and was in bed a lot, by the 14th Jan she wasn't herself at all, barley talking or moving she needed help with everything, we were waiting for an app at the hospital on the 16th, the day finally come for some answers and to see how aggressive the cancer was, she was unable to walk and talk at this point and after a few nurses had seen her she was admitted to the mlu and we were told she would die. It was a huge shock as we thought she would have treatment and get better. She stayed in hospital for a further week, then finally moved to a local hospice where she spent the last two days of her life there, the hospice is an amazing place she was very comfortable there and seemed at peace. She passed away on the 25th January 2013 and that was it No more pain for her the start of mine, I was pretty numb to it all at first, and also confused to how this had happened. Since then I've had a baby I was actually pregnant when she passed away but I didn't know, she would have been an amazing nain to my boy, my sister has 2 girls and she was wonderful with them. 5 years on and I feel as lost as I did at that point, there are days when all seems positive in my life but others where I really struggle. I find myself very jealous of other girls who have their mothers it's silly, but I get really upset about not having her around it's so selfish and I feel so ungrateful for my life now, I have a wonderful partner and little boy but the thought of getting married without her is impossible to imagine and my partner would love to complete our family, with marriage and another baby, but I feel like my little boy is a part of my mam, a little gift I suppose but I'm not sure how I'll cope with another baby right now. Thank you for reading it really helps to weite this all down, it's a first for me.