Hi Annie,

So went today for a consultation. The results of the mammogram were normal. I think there's only one last hurdle which is next Weds with the neck specialist. Surely they can't be all wrong? Surely this is us coming out the other side after an almighty scare.

As for me. I think the events of this year have sadly seen me go through some kind of barrier or crossed some kind of line which I don't seem able to cross back over. I have a lot of depressive moments. I think the events led me to look at myself from outside my own skin. Not a comfortable place. Becoming aware of mine and the person closest to me's mortality has rocked me to the core. I even get sad at little things, like going to the supermarket. Knowing one day we won't do things like that together.

Cyprus is yet to be 100% confirmed but suggestion is Mon 5th start. I'm hoping the sun and new challenge will reset my brain somehow. God knows it needs it. Other than that, As we all know, never take anything for granted with cancer or life in general.

One day at a time. 

Hiya Daniel; good to hear from you.  And very good news about the mammogram.  You have had a bad scare and you probably feel that you will never know happy naivety again.  It's just part of getting older unfortunately.  When I was (a lot) younger I used to collect the Order of Service from weddings I attended - many involving friends and cousins.  Now I mainly collect funeral Orders of Service.  But we all get used to it.   With the clock ticking you are right to do the things you want - go for it.   If you would be so kind it would be nice to hear the final test results for your mum.  Then hopefully off to Cyprus, remembering to keep your mum in the loop this time!  Seriously I hope Cyprus works out and that you very much enjoy your work there.  Annie xx

So the Ear Nose and Throat people have put another appointment in the diary for 6-8 weeks time. Given her history they want to monitor. They don't think it is anything but you can't be too careful given her history.

I've not really got too much to complain about, given some of the stories on here. I'm also just seeing a 7 year old girl has been killed by a car in the big freeze. Sadly it's not human nature to just focus on the good things. Cancer robs you of that naivety of death. I thought mum looked frail in the doctors chair. She's picked up another cold in quick succession. Little seeds get in your head that the doctors have missed something or got it wrong. They have before to my family members.

Cyprus, I'm excited, nervous, happy and sad. First stint is four weeks. I will be back at Easter. I know mum will be fine.  Just wish we still had family around to look out for her. The ones we do have are selfish and useless. At least the next appointment is our local hospital. So I suppose next few days I will be busy getting ready. Let's hope the game of life throws up something good, and that everyone's health holds up in the meantime.

One day at a time x

Kalispera! And greetings from Cyprus! I've been here a week now and really enjoying it. Apart from a real wobble on my first night here I've really benefited from being out of the situation at home. I've been so busy with work I have not had time to think about everything. The sun is of course helping the whole process.

I think the problem with cancer is it changes everything, even if the person survived. It changes our outlook on life. We become all too aware of our reality. Some of the other threads on here are just heartbreaking. When people are gone they're gone. They don't nip back for one night every so often. The cancer process brings all of that into the forefront of our minds.

Spoken to mum everyday on text and one call. Gonna be ringing in a bit for mothers day. I suppose we have to place our faith in fate. It's fate im out here now and what will be will be. Im one of the lucky ones who can still pick up the phone and talk to my mum on a day like today. To that i will raise a glass later, and spare a thought for those who can't.

One day at a time 

Yasoo x

Hi Daniel

i feel compelled to tell you about my daughter. I have recently been diagnosed with invasive breast cancer which will be operated on and then some radiotherapy. My daughter is only 22 and is not very emotionally mature and I worry that she too will feel these guiltily feelings if things end up not being as straight forward as it may seem at the moment. She cried for a bit and then proceeded to help around the house. My first visit to the oncologist was just last week. I thought it would be ok to go alone but did ask her to clean the house which I thought she would do gladly she lives in my house rent free and does not have a job apart from 2 days a week. Anyway I get home and she hasn’t done anything and remarks that she needed a nap as she is going to a party next day. I nod of exploded and called her selfish. She screamed at me for a long time saying she had after all cleaned my kitchen a few days ago and I am expecting too much. I overreacted and without much warning even to myself let my frustration anger fear and devastation out on my kitchen and smashed a load of stuff. She had a panic attack and I helped her through it. She needed to catch a train early next morning so thought slamming her door really loudly in the morning at 6 am will get her a lift. I did give her a lift but could not speak to her. Today is mother’s day  and she is still away at said party and I have not heard from her. She is young and I worry she will really regret this if things get worse. From the sounds of it you are not like her but still feel guilty. Just be there for your Mum and let her know you love her. That’s all a Mum needs not for you to give up your job or change your life for her. Hope this helps you feel less guilty. 

Kalispera to you too (when the morning comes).  So pleased you are enjoying Cyprus and have come to terms with the things that were worrying you.  Sun - oh yes, I remember, there is a sun which comes out sometimes.  In a sense you are fortunate in that your mum came through this bout all right and I feel you have found a balance in your situation.  You are quite right, cancer is horrible and every day somebody somewhere loses the battle.  So make your mum and yourself happy now - that is the best gift you can give her. As you say, we have to rely on fate.  I have so enjoyed talking to you on this forum and rummaging through my own emotional baggage whilst doing so.  I got a lovely text from my son in NZ today which was great.  Bless you - do drop in from time to time as you wish.  Annie

Hello cosmicshake; just saw your post.  Bloomin' heck, I thought , this is really life being lived on the edge!  But so difficult for you when you are struggling with your illness  I don't know if smashing things made you feel better (hope you didn't smash anything really important!) but perhaps you need to find a calmer way while you still have some possessions left.  Do you think you need to set some firm divisions of labour with your daughter in this situation so she clearly understands what you need from her?  Perhaps explain clearly why you need to be able to rely on her.  You want her to enjoy her life but you obviously understand that it does her no favours if she does not realise that nobody gets a free ride.  Sorry, you haven't even asked this forum for help - I cannot help myself!   If you are having trouble with coping then you might like to ring the MacMillan Cancer Support people (Freefone 080 808 0000) - they are always happy to give advice to anybody affected by cancer in any way.  And perhaps return to this forum to let us know how you are getting along?  Best wishes.  Annie

Thanks both for your responses. I was having a bad morning at work trying to figure out something, came on here and read your posts, and went back to it with a renewed vision and managed to crack it. So thankyou. Just goes to show how mulling through things with people on here can help.

Cosmicshake, sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and sorry things have been a bit tough with your daughter. Although I was street wise at 22 I too was emotionally immature, and some would say at 34 I still am. I've never been in a serious relationship, many reasons, but can be traced back to my childhood, growing up with an alcoholic father, I believe I have put a protective barrier around myself in order to not feel pain and rejection, that and not feeling worthy of giving or receiving love. Anyway the point being is its actually better that you and your daughter are arguing about trivial things like cleaning and staying out late, as I think the worst thing for her, would be to do what I've done lately, which is discover my mother's mortality. That really freaked me out, and have gone to some very dark places with it, and still do. At 22 it's all about partying and looking good on Instagram, so I would say let it continue. In a way it will be protecting your daughter from what might be to come. At that age she won't be as self aware or probably hasn't been through many bereavements. There's nothing to say at this stage you will do anything other than make a full recovery.

Don't worry either about smashing the kitchen up. You will be going through a range of emotions at the moment. Including anger. 

My guilt is probably more around the things I haven't done by my age and that if my mum went tomorrow she wouldn't have seen me do certain things like settle down. This has led me to regret my life. I wouldn't have felt like this at 22, so you neednt worry about your daughter feeling guilty. She will know she should do more round the house. I'm 34 and I still don't. At that age you are defiant, and kicking off and being stroppy is her way at venting her dismay at your health situation. It's not cool to have a deep and meaningful with your mum at 22, so actually shouting and screaming is her way of showing she cares.

Keep calm and take it one day at a time.

Reach out on here when you need to release the pressure. It really does work.

Annie, thanks for your continued support. I definitely will keep coming on this thread as it helps me enormously and I find great strength in helping others. Cancer is like war. Just because the war is currently under a ceasefire doesn't mean the scars of the previous battle go away, or does it mean we shouldn't do our upmost in the mean time to prepare ourselves for future battles.

We are comrades in this fight together.

One day at a time x

Hi Dandona and Annaliz

your replies mean a lot to me. I can totally get your worry about your mum dandona. It’s so hard to accept even with good news that it will ever be good. I’m seeing my doctor on Thursday to help with my anxiety issues. I have not broken anything else. Just to make you laugh a little, I have a plenty Buddahs in my kitchen given to me by my husband. The smash up resulted in all their heads amputated that day. Makes me giggle a little at the irony 

anyhow things are not great with my daughter. She came back late last night but we have not spoken. She is in her room and only goes out when I am out to use the kitchen. I feel so bad about it and want to reach out to her but it feels so awkward 

tomorrow I will be the grown up and break the ice. Neither of us need this. She was rejected by her father when she was 11 and I know she has big issues about this. I don’t want her to feel rejected by me when that is the last thing she can handle right now. By the way I’m not smashing anything else. First and last time ever! 

Cosmicshake