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My mum has terminal cancer and looking for support

Claireyliz
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Hi all...

 

My Mum was diagnosed with throat cancer in April 2017, she has been through radio and chemo therapy however just before Christmas they discovered that the tumour has grown back deeper into the tissue and there is now nothing more they can do for her, we don’t yet know how long she has left until she sees the oncologist again over the next couple of weeks.

 

I live at home with my Mum and Dad and I’m finding it so difficult... my Dad is not great at talking and is getting frustrated a lot and bottling everything up so it’s really tense in the house and we are both currently off work.

 

My job is extremely pressured and I drive around 3500 miles a month... spending a lot of time up to two hours away from home.. I really don’t know if I can cope with the pressure of Work aswell as Mum being poorly, my Dad is telling me to go back to work but at the sam time I know he won’t leave the house at all if I’m not here (Mum had an episode of choking and being unable to breathe and we had to call the ambulance).

 

I feel completely lost as to what to do for the best... I know I’m struggling emotionally to deal with everything.

 

Any advice or any help from people going through similar situations would be much appreciated.

 

Many Thanks xx

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    So sorry to hear this.  You are between a rock and a hard place as they say.  One solution is to get some extra help to care for your mum.  If there is nobody in your family who can help your dad and yourself you could try ringing MacMillan Cancer Support (Freefone 080 808 0000) who are very experienced in this area and are very supportive.  I have seen good reports on this forum of the service they give.  Even if you choose not to go back to work for the time being they are a useful resource.  You are being such a good daughter but there is no reason why a bit of professional help would not help you at the same time. 

    I think you will also hear from others on this forum who know what you are going through.  When my mum died of cancer (some years ago now) my dad - who was never a good talker about his feelings - did not want to talk a great deal either.  At first my sister, my dad and I seemed like three people all walking round in our own circles but never meeting until we gently made overtures to each other and gradually got my dad involved a little bit at a time.  He had fought in WW2 and been a policeman for all of his career after that and I think he felt it was up to him to be strong.  But he did gradually unbend as long as not directly challenged to do so!  My mum was in hospital and died there - there was not the support available now to nurse cancer patients at home.

    Take care of yourself.

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz
    Thanks you so much for your response and I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. That’s exactly how it feels at the moment... the same as you me, my dad and my sister are all dealing with things very differently and it’s hard because we aren’t really talking. My work have organised counselling for me which is good and I think I’m just going to work from home until we know more about what lies ahead of Mum but it’s so difficult. I’m very much the emotional wear my heart on my sleeve one of the family and don’t know how to get everyone to understand how everyone is feeling and get everyone talking. I was thinking about calling Macmillan or Marie curie to get some advice from them so thanks for the contact details. Lots of love xx
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    Hiya, Totally with you on this my mums stage 4 adencircenoma of the lungs, she also has COPD , they did a single boost of radiotherapy in December but she’s in so much pain now I have not been at work since mid December as I’m struggling to cope with everything, due back next week just scared I’m not going to be around and I’m going to miss any time we have left, it’s so difficult isn’t it Do you have your appointment with the oncologist yet? Have you been in touch with Macmillan or the district nurses? Xx
  • Offline in reply to Claireyliz

    Pleased to hear your work has arranged counselling for you.  Just noticed I missed a digit out of the MacMillan number - it should 0808 808 0000.  It would be nice to hear from you about how you are getting on - but that is only if you want to do so and have the time!

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    Hi

     

    i am really sorry about your mum.  My lovely dad passed away 6 months ago from Lung Cancer.  I was the strong one of my siblings making sure my dad had everything he needed and that my mum was ok.  I looked up and spoke to Macmillan about my dads illness so I was prepared but one thing I didn’t do was get help for myself.  Talk to someone if that is a friend or Macmillan or go to a group session it will help guide\support you through every stage you and your family go through.  

     

    Take care

  • Offline in reply to dawnj5
    Hi... oh I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. It really is so difficult knowing what to do for the best especially when you don’t know what the future holds and want to be there. He appointment isn’t until the 23rd so more waiting... it’s like limbo land.. my Dad is shouting at me telling me to get back to work and won’t have a proper conversation with me about it but he doesn’t understand that I’m not coping either. I’m still working but from home at the moment it’s so hard. We have a palliative care nurse coming in once a week at the moment... I called her last week without Mum and Dad knowing to ask her what I should do and she said she is going to have a chat with them both tomorrow. How far along with things are you with your mum?xxxxx
  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Thanks so much Annieliz.. I’m going to give them a call today I think xxx

  • Offline in reply to jojo2018

    Hi

    Bless you in so sorry to hear about your Dad...

     

    its so hard when you take on that role isn’t it as you don’t know what to do for the best.

    Thank you so much for your advice... I’m definately going to call Macmillan today I think.

    Lots of love xxx

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