Hello,

My mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost two years ago, has beat it twice but has recently been diagnosed again. Just wanted to come here because as nice as friends are they don't know what it's fully like.

The first time she was diagnosed I didn't find it that hard after the initial shock because it never really felt like she had it as she had a big op to remove the affected parts and it was the operation that made her weak for a while. She was great with chemo (which was almost just used to make sure it was all gone), but within three months of getting the all clear it was back. She had cancer of the peritoneum this time and was so sick but beat it in September this year. That time was really hard because she looked so ill and she couldn't even get out of the bath without being lifted. That's when I felt that the cancer was real. Unfortunately last week she was told it's back again. She now has to have chemo every week for six months as she's stopped responding to some of the drugs.

I feel much more emotional this time and feel like we might lose her. I just can't imagine her ever being free of it now. I know I'm not a doctor but I just can't imagine what options are left after this round of chemo. I also feel like I'm a robot now and almost just don't even feel anything sometimes. Other times I get angry that I feel like I can't be free of it, which sounds selfish because mum is the one suffering and I should just be grateful it's not me and we still have her. I keep thinking of alll the stuff we have left to do together. I even find myself thinking of really operational things like who will help me with x y z once mum has gone. I feel guilty like I'm not staying positive for her but I feel like my mind is doing this to prepare me for the worst so if it does happen it won't be as a painful. I struggle to know what to say to mum and how to help - Christmas is really hard time to be going thorough it, does anyone else feel this? I'm 30, so at that age where I'm not dependant on my parents, but still feel like we have so much left to do together. Sometimes I cry just thinking about how if I have a baby she might not ever meet it and how big lifemilestones will be tinged with because she can't be a part of it.