Hi Cap,

My sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved wife. You cannot suddenly change your life having had a partner and a family to fill your house for 35 years. You must now find it a lonely place, particularly in the longer winter evenings,  as the darker nights draw in. I am glad to hear that your wife's family live nearby and have done a lot to help you. Does your daughter and her family live close by too?

Was your wife ill for long? It must be a consolation to know that she got to see her little granddaughter for the first 6 months of her life. It is so good to welcome a new generation into the family. I have 2 lovely little granddaughters and they are a real delight. Sadly, they live at the opposite end of the country from us, so we don't see them nearly as often as we would like. Still, we get to see them as frequently as we can. Are you still working, or have you retired?

The only thing to do is to take things day by day, or sometimes even hour by hour. I fully understand that you do not want to go anywhere or do anything, but you eventually have to force yourself to do so.  Sometimes, this is more to do with depression than grief. If you feel that this is the case, perhaps your doctor could prescribe a mildanti-depressant for a short while? You may not want to go to events where there are only couples, but there ae many groups for seniors, which  cater for the individual.

I lost my Mum to secondary breast cancer. She lived for 12 years after her initial diagnosis and only developed metastases in her final year. It was harrowing and heartbreaking to watch her deteriorate so quickly at the end. That was 20 years ago and I still miss her each and every day. I realise that this is not the same as losing a partner, but it still took me a while to come to terms with the loss.

I have now been blighted myself and have had 2 bouts of breast cancer, The first was 7 years ago and the second, the following year. I am now not nearly as mobile, due to the side-effects of treatment. I have had both knees replaced and my eyesight is getting a lot worse. I walk with two sticks and can often walk past friends in the street without seeing them. I still try to get out and about and tried to find a pastime that would take me out regularly and one that would work within my current limitations. I joined a photography class and have really enjoyed it. I have met up with other people and find it quite a sociable pastime. I have even exhibited some of my photographs!

Have you got any interests that you could possibly pursue? Did you wife do all the cooking, or did you help out? Perhaps you might like to join a cookery class? Would you consider helping out with a charity? I do, and find that it is a great way to meet other people. It also helps me to forget my own troubles, as there are so many people in the world today, who are a lot worse off than I am. This may not be your bag at all, but there's a wealth of things to choose from.

It gets more difficult to make new friends as you get older, so you have to make the effort. Have you considered counselling? This is not for everyone, but some people find it very helpful. Many cancer charities offer this.

I feel that this advice all sounds rather trite at the moment, but you will find that things improve and you will find a purpose in life once you start to mix amongst other people. It may take you a few years to come to terms with all that has happened.  You will find all your anniversaries a particularly difficult time for the first year, but stick at it. It does get easier.

I am thinking of you and only wish that I could do more to help you. Sadly, as I have already said, the effort has to come from you and you alone.

Take care and stay strong.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

     Hello Jolamine,

 My wife lived 14 months after being diagnosed.

 My daughter only lives about 15 miles from me.

 I go over to her house about three days a week.

 I also joined the Y, keep bees, and work in my

Wife's garden beds, they got way behind do to

her illness. It like a big wave hits me sometimes,

I cry , tell her I miss her, then get up and do something.

My sister lost her husband at 62, she was 59. She

has also helped me. She lost her husband in2005.

All the information you gave me was right on target.

It's just going to take me sometime to be able to go

 on in a somewhat normal life. Thanks for replying to

 my letter. Day by day is the only way.

Hi Cap,

Your wife didn't have very long after her diagnosis, which probably means that you didn’t have much time to process all that was happening. I am glad to hear that you are managing to lick her garden beds back into shape. I love my garden, but find it difficult to cope with it now. I have ½ an acre of clay soil, so it’s quite a challenge

My hubby’s excuse was always that his hay fever wouldn’t let him into the garden. That has subsided as we’ve become older. He is 71 and I am 68 and although he does now help me, it is under strict supervision to ensure that he leaves the flowers and removes the weeds and not vice versa! I suspect that if I weren’t around, he would want to tarmac or concrete the whole lot in.

It sounds as if you are a busy man, so I apologize if I sounded condescending to you in my last post. This was not intentional. What made you take up apiculture to start with? It always seems a strange hobby to me. One of my closest friends does bee keeping too and her honey is really delicious.

I am glad to hear that your daughter doesn’t live too far away and that you manage to see her quite frequently.

I find that crying is a great stress reliever, as is talking to your loved one. I have a picture of my Mum in my living room. I pass it by every time I enter or leave the room. She has a wry smile on her face, almost as if to say, ‘I bet you can’t do that’. I often find myself chatting away to her, although less frequently than I did at first. I see that you have joined the Y. I don’t know much about the Y. What do you do there?

I am sorry to hear that your sister has also lost her husband, but glad to hear that she is helping you too. It will be useful having someone who has first-hand experience of being left on her own to guide you.

Just remember the mantra ‘Day by day is the only way’. Remember that we are always here for you whenever you want a chat.

Kind regards,

Jolamine