Parents keeping cancer concerns from us.

Hi everyone.

My dad was misdiagnosed for 8 months, he was told he had Crohn's disease when it was actually stage 3 bowel cancer. He had life saving surgery eventually and had 3 foot of bowel removed along with 19 lymph nodes. He has had chemo and his bloods are good. He recently had 2 CT scans, one on his bowel and one on his liver. He has had a letter saying they have found something they want to investigate further and informed him the will do a MRI scan but not told him which part the MRI scan is on on when it will be.

He does not want his 3 grown children to know about this but my mum let slip to me as she is not talking to anyone or using a support network and she is obviously worried. My parents want things to go on as normal but I am worried that if my Dad has a limited time left we should be making the most of this time whilst he feels well.

I am trying to organise a family get together but have been told to wait until after the MRI, do I go against their wishes or do I do as they ask? My wife lost her mum last year, her Mum asked her to stay away, which my wife did and she has regretted it ever sinse.

Not sure what to do, ay advice would be greatfully recieved.

  • Wait till after the MRI scan and respect their wishes. Whatever fears you have about your parents are magnified tenfold when it is you who is waiting for tests and your Dad may not feel able to cope with a big family get together while his mind is in turmoil.. 

    You did ask :-)

     

  • Thank you for getting back to me and thank you for being honest, it's what i wanted people to do, i can't talk to the rst of my family as my Mum was asked not to tell anyone but needed to talk.

    Again thank you for your honest thoughts.

    Marc :)

  • Without doing anything special, you could carry on as normal but make every contact special. Make normality your special memories and act as if every day might be his last.

    A minor change in perspective that might reap rich rewards. Don't forget to laugh as much as possible but don't be afraid of crying and expressing emotions. Find an excuse to discuss how much everybody means to each other and how much they are loved, it can be done quite subtly.

    The end of the world does not have to be treated as if it's the end of the world.

     

    Regards

    Taff

  • No worries - just play it by ear as things could change once your Dad has had time to come to terms with his situation. When I thought my time was very limited we had a party with friends, but that was several weeks after I was first diagnosed and after I had completed my chemo. Not sure I could have coped with it any earlier.

  • Thank you all for posting. He has had one round of chemo and we stayed away for nearly a year with only telephone contact, my mum has anxiety issues and much of the time it is her anxiety about the situation that keeps us away. They were just about to go on holiday when this new round of scans has picked something up that they want to investigate further, and they have just put everything on hold again, we all want to be there to help but they do not want that and I am scared that we will have little to no time to say and do everything that we should have done throughout our lives.

     

  • Crikey, that is a long time - that really sets the context.  My Mum would have been hassling us all if we'd kept away for more than a month. How does your Dad feel about the forced separation, it is after all him who is the one with cancer? 

  • I'd say - 'Bolleaux to this, I'm going for a visit' and just turn up. 'You're not the only ones in this, you know; get a grip'.

    And that's when the fight'll start.