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Waiting - 35yr old mum to 2 little girls and terrified

Jojobaby
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Hi All, my name is Jo and I'm sat downstairs at my parents-in-law in the small hours with my 2 precious sleeping daughters upstairs next to my husband of 3 months... and I've just done what everyone says not to, and googled, and had the most dreadful realisation that what matches my symptoms and what my consultant explained is a concern on Tuesday evening, is likely to be the case.  I have an almost-totally blocked ascending colon as confirmed by MRI and CT, and which no one expected to see.  Colonoscopy on Monday to take biopsies but I've just realised if this is bowel cancer it is most likely very advanced.  I haven't been aware of any symptoms until 3 days after our wedding but put it down to stress and change of diet on honeymoon. Having been hospitalised for an intestinal blockage  a few weeks later which cleared itself and then having abdo X-ray and u/sound I understood all of the nasties had been ruled out.  My heart is racing and I feel so very sad scared and alone.  There's no one I would want to talk to that wouldn't be distressed to hear this. I'm so scared because bowel cancer was something I hadn't considered until now and having not been able to find anything that matched my symptoms and now learning about this, it makes sense and fits.  I want it so badly not to be true for my little girls more than anything. My consultant has already said they need to operate soon but wants diagnosis first so it's moving "fast" now... altho this is the most excruciating feeling!  

Sorry for emotional dump, I just came across the site and wondered if anyone has any advice for just getting through the next day's and how to cope with my feelings, family and sanity...

Wishing love and comfort to all those going through their own difficult journeys.

Xx

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    Hi Jo,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I am so sorry to hear about the time you have had since your wedding. Waiting for results is always a worrying time and as I'm sure that you've seen from previous posts, you have done exactly what we advise people not to do - ie. looking on the Internet, as we are seldom as advanced as shown on some sites.

    I sincerely hope that this is your case too and that you are worrying yourself uneccessarily. It will be an even bigger worry for you having a ew husband and two young children.

    The best thing that you can do is to distract yourself by keeping busy. I know that it is difficult to get out at night with two small children, but if you can, it takes you away from the computer, which is a good idea. This is too much to keep to yourself, you need to be able to confide in someone. Do you have a close friend or perhaps your husband, who you can talk to openly about all that is happening?

    Many of us experience a whole raft of different emotions at your stage. These vary from anger, anxiety, fear, worry about the children, tiredness, tearfullness, depression, being short tempered, etc. These feelings can change from one minute to the next. Don't worry if you find yoursef crying a lot. This is a good release valve, so let the tears flow.

    Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. There is always someone here whenever you feel like talking.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine
    Hi Jolamine, Thanks for your reply - I only just saw it, I wish I'd seen it last week as it would really have helped but for some reason it didn't show up. My cancer is confirmed and the tumour is so large they couldn't get the camera past it. The good news was that my liver and lungs looked clear on the CT scans but it's so much to take in and my heart is full of panic and desolation. I feel like I don't belong in this world all of a sudden, like I'm different from everyone around me who doesn't have this growing inside them. I meet the surgeon on Monday to discuss next steps. I'm just so so so scared for my girls growing up without their mummy... heart is broken Xx
  • Offline in reply to Jojobaby

     

    Hi Jo,

    This is not the news you wanted to hear, but in some ways it is good news, if it hasn’t spread. A large tumour can be removed, but it is not so easy when you have metastases in liver or lungs. Your sense of panic and desolation are perfectly normal reactions to a cancer diagnosis.

    You will soon be back amongst the ‘normal’ people, as, I’m sure that it won’t be long before you have surgery to remove it. You will obviously need time to recuperate after your operation, but, after that I hope that you will be able to start enjoying life again.  Life is too short for all of us to panic and worrying about not being there for your girls. Cancer treatments have come a long way in the past few years and I hope that you will be here for quite a number of years yet.

    As soon as you are well enough, try to enjoy life with them and with your new husband. Try to make happy memories together. Take plenty of family photographs with you in them. If you are unfortunate enough to leave prematurely, your family will treasure these in years to come.

    Some people with young families like to make memory boxes for each of their children. You can include things like photos, a lock of hair (which you can take before chemo starts), hopes and aspirations you have for them throughout their lives, a message for the day they leave school, start work or graduate, or for their wedding day, etc.

    I hope that your meeting with the surgeon on Monday makes you feel a little better about your situation.


    kind regards,

     

    Jolamine xx

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