Hi Luna I say everything to you from the very centre of my heart. First of all, please be gentle on yourself and acknowledge the strength you display when asking for help. You obviously love your mum very much. Due to the nature of where you're at and how you appear to be feeling it might be a good idea to consider speaking to a counsellor so that you can say things out loud to someone impartial. I have been doing this myself and it is really helping me to deal with my cancer because I say things to her that I could never say to my family because it would generate fear. I have also been using meditation as an escape from this truly confusing reality that we find ourselves living in and it certainly helps to release emotion and unlock thoughts. There are so many things available on you tube its just finding the one that feels right for you and/or your mum if she would consider it?? Ultimately all we can do is focus upon love as a form of healing. Love your mum like you've never loved her before. Find out exactly what she wants and expects of you so that you can try to understand where she's at but keep on loving her without fear. You can focus upon gratitude to help you achieve this. Be thankful for all of the things that are good in your life and for your life itself. Make a list and visit it in the morning and at night. All of your memories too, you have those to be grateful for so use the emotion contained in them to provide you with strength. I hope this all makes sense. Allow yourself to be emotional, it's a release of pain and hurt so let it flow if you feel you need to. We are all here to help each other and if you can offer me any advice about how I can talk with my grown up children it would be most appreciated.