I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of wife to lymphoma last year delboyo and on behalf of the team I just wanted to offer you our condolences.

Many members here have been in the same position and know how tough the grieving process can be and I'm sure some of them will be along soon to offer their support and advice.

Post as much as you need to Delboyo, especially on your bad days, as there will always be someone here to listen and do what they can to help. 

Kind Regards, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thanks, its a real and daily pain bereavement, I didnt think I would  ever feel so low and

upset, I have constant memories of the last days, in minute detail as I must have been

taking more notice which at the time I didn't know. Its a year on 5th June, but  its 

not easing in the slightest, in fact more than ever I feel lonely after 32 wonderful years,

I rate my  bereavement journey 1-10 today its 9.5 

Delboy

Hi Delboyo,

Lost my wonderful hubby in 2015 after his three year journey with terminal cancer and I think approaching the first anniversary of his passing was a very difficult time.  It just brings everything that you would rather push to the back of your mind right to the front of your thinking again.  I was fortunate to have hubby's GP keeping an eye on me and talking through my inner feelings came really hard but with the passage of time I am slowly beginning to replace those awful memories with the better times that 37 years of marriage gave us.  Just being able to talk to others on the forum and have their understanding makes each step forward a little easier but grieving takes many turns along the way.  Managing day to day when you feel very low can be a real issue and with me it still causes interrupted sleep. When our loved ones are ill most of our time is spent worrying and caring and in your own situation lots of travelling.  All those things are 'missed' when a loved one dies and it take times to readjust and try and pick up 'normality' whatever that is.  My hubby was only 63 when he died and I still feel cheated that we could never 'retire together'.  Be kind to yourself and seek support from your GP/family and friends as well as coming to chat on the forum if it helps.  Best regards Jules54

Hi

I am so sorry that in addition to your terrible loss you had issues with the NHS care your wife received.  It must be so very hard to lose these images/thoughts and no doubt this really pulls you down and makes you very angry too. I was told that I would suffer so many different emotions when hubby was diagnosed andthen died but do not think you really realise this is true until you go through it yourself.

I am currently going through illness and inevitable loss again, this time with my Mum which has brought back lots of the memories from when my hubby was taking his cancer journey.  The road is not an easy one though I would not wish the suffering to continue and have accepted her decision to refuse ongoing treatment.

I hope you can get some support locally to help you through but, of course, when we are on our own we constantly overthink what has happened and it takes some time for 'acceptance' to become part of our own journey.  Do keep chatting on the forum if you find it helps even in the smallest way.  Jules

Thanks Jules, I just cannot see the future clearly and how it will evolve, one thing was certain,

my wife definitely did not want to die I am positive of that because she was so upbeat about the  

treatment, but catching type A flu in that awful UCH hospital made her into another person,

All the struggles she endured were so hard to watch and be just an onlooker, eventually I could not stand her bad treatment any longer and got my MP involved they left her dehydrated and it caused 

the seizure , I have no respect for the awful oncologist who dealt with us, a really detestable individual , callous and rude, 

Eventually my MP got her away  from this place into palliative care, all along they said they would give

maintenance chemo, but this oncologist vetoed it. As you can imagine I have nothing but 

bad memories of her care, being so vulnerable as she was it was difficult.

I am so sorry to hear you are having other horrid stuff, with your Mum  take care and  am thinking of you 

Delboyo

Hi Delboyo

My hubby certainly did not want to die either (doubt any of us do) though with a terminal diagnosis at the outset and being told to get your affairs in order at the first oncologist appointment meant he knew it was outside of his control!  The palliative chemo left him feeling far worse than he had antipated and though it bought him 'time' with the family and he was able to stay at home, he struggled with not being able to work and enjoy food any more.  It was a difficult three year journey for him and not easy observing that either.

As to looking to the future, that is always tomorrow in my eyes.  I will always miss having him by my side but carry him in my heart and am still getting used to doing things on my own even after some time.  It's a big hole to fill but I know he would want me to enjoy the life I have been blessed with and so I try hard to make him proud.  Helping my children and grandson as they grieved gives me another focus and emotional times still  happen which only shows how much we have loved and lost.  I have not forgotten the cancer journey we travelled together and probably never will though in some strange way I am a little stronger because of it which makes little sense to me.

Small steps on a daily basis is my only way forward.  I set myself a goal in the hope I can reach it but wont beat myself up if I miss the deadline.

Look after yourself and sending virtual hug.  Jules