Hello,

This is my first post so not quite sure what to say, how to say it, or even if I should say it! 

My wife passed away on the 4th of April after a 9 month battle with cancer, we were told at the start when she was diagnosed that it was terminal (it had started in her cervix and moved to her liver and lungs) she had 6 chemotherapies which initially had a positive effect but unfortunately that didn't last, the tumours in her lungs continued to grow very quickly. 

Throughout her treatment she remained SO positive and happy, we'd recently moved and she loved our new home, and despite her illness she told us that her life had improved by 99% and that life was good. 

We looked after her as long as we could at home, but she was taken into a local hospice the day before she passed away, she was exhausted and the hospice gave her the care we couldn't at home. She wanted to remain at home and to die there as she loved it so much, I felt, and still feel, guilty at allowing her to be taken to the hospice, I knew she wouldn't be coming home, but we simply could no longer give her the care she needed. She passed away peacefully and comfortably about 12 hrs after being taken to the hospice, I take some comfort from that. 

I know it's only been a little over two weeks but I miss her so much, I miss talking to her, miss going for walks in the countryside around our new home, I miss holding her...you get the picture I'm sure. We have three lovely children, all in their 20s who also miss her, but together we're helping each other, we are gradually getting back to "normal" life and back to our routines of work and studies, we know these feelings of loss/guilt/fear will be with us for a long time to come, but life does go on! 

I've never lived on my own, always had my parents and siblings around me and shared flats when at college, then moved in with my wife, the thought of being on my own really scares me....however, I'll just have to get on with it, our children will visit regularly, so I won't always be on my own. 

I just won't have my wife.

We would have been 30 years married later this year, we brought the celebrations forward and had a lovely lunch with friends who were married the same year, we also managed some excellent quality time together before she passed away, so I have some lovely memories.

I have to say here that I was a bit dubious about seeking counselling during my wifes treatment, but I did, and found it to be really helpful, initially I had counselling at the local health centre, then at the local Macmillan centre, I still have appointments with them. I'd recommend speaking to them. 

Anyway...that's it...my story I guess! I know everyone out there is fighting their own battles and I wish you all well in those battles. Take care.