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New here (Breast Cancer)

Ljala
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Hi,

I'm Leah  and I live in greater London. I have 2 twelve year old daughters and the three of us love to scull and row. My girls are in their second season and doing great, which is a joy to see as rowing is my big love.  I am also interested in art and like to draw and make things out of papier mache. In particular, I love mask-making which I did to quite a good standard for a while, but let it go in the last couple of years. I'm hoping to pick it up again soon.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on 30 December and had surgery on the 19th. I've come here because I find it very isolating. I have lots of friends who care and they are supportive, but at the same time they have busy lives and live all over London and the world in fact, so I find myself alone with it most of the time. I have 2 children for whom I have to stay positive and a boyfriend who can't be with me all the time, but who is planning to move in in March, which will be a comfort. (We were planning that anyway.) 

I hope to get and give support here, although at the moment the only thing I have experience of is the shock of the diagnosis and surgery. I don't have all of my results back yet but most of it is positive (if you have to have cancer). I'm hormone positive and HER2- (for those who don't know, that's a good thing). Not so great is that the tumour was Grade 3 but the margins and lymph nodes were clear. They have sent a sample off for an Oncotype DX test to determine whether or not I'll have chemo.

Today is my first day back at work since the surgery, which was a much bigger deal than I expected. I think I had an active case of denial about it. They said it would take 3 weeks to recover and it did! I'm oddly in no hurry to get to the next set of results, whereas the other times it drove me crazy. This next set sets in motion the reality of all this.

That's me!

All the best!

  • Offline

    Hi Ljala

    I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis it just stinks doesn't it. It's not good that you are going through this quite alone so if you ever want to talk abou.t anything then get yourself on here.

    just take it one day at a time and deal with what's thrown at you at the time.

    take care

    Lisax

  • Offline in reply to lisamcs

    Thanks Lisa, I'm sorry I didn't  see your message before now. I don't think I get notifications. What I find difficult is that I don't really understand how cancer works. All the information seems so watered down that it's not useful. The usual model is something like this: you feel sick or in pain, you go to the doctor, and they do something that makes you feel better.  

    In my case, things were absolutely fine, I was getting back into competitive rowing and doing really well and then just before Christmas I found a lump which turns out to be cancer. I've had the surgery and I feel fine, and they took out the lump with clear margins and the lymph node was clear too.  I just wish I understood better how or why the cancer will come back as it would make it easier to accept needing all these other treatments.

    I hope this doesn't sound like complaining or self-pity. I'm more confused than anything else. 

    Thanks again for your message,

    Leah

  • Offline in reply to Ljala

    Hi Leah

    im sorry you are feeling this way though I think it's absolutely normal, you have been through a roller coaster of emotions and there's still waiting to be done which is the worst thing possible. 

    Im not sure I understand everything about cancer either even after all I've been through but this is what I understand.

    in July 2013 I felt a lump went to doctors, had mammogram/ultrasound then a biopsy then diagnosed with breast cancer mine was grade 2, after my first surgery I discovered it had spread to my lymph nodes so went for a second operation. I then went on to have chemo and radiotherapy. This was more of a preventative than to get rid as the doctors were confident they had got all the cancer and margins in my surgery. I think they way cancer works is that it can lay dorment for years and the chemo can only destroy those cells that are at a certain stage. You have to stay positive and not everyone is the same your story is good that it hadn't spread to your lymph nodes, focus on this. Ask your doctors to explain things in more detail they are always willing in my experience to do this. Do you have a Macmillan nurse you could speak to?

    unfortunately my story didn't finish there and in January of this year I was diagnosed with incurable secondary breast cancer in my liver and I'm currently on chemotherapy tablets, but again everyone is different and this is my story. I'm Still coming to terms with my news but I have every confidence I will get there and enjoy what time I have left which could be many years yet and to stay as positive as possible.

    i hope this sheds a little light on things and I haven't scared you but ask your doctors, and for help from the macmillans in my experience they are so busy if you don't ask for their help then they leave you but they are fantastic when you do so don't be scared to ask.

    take care when are your results due? 

    Lisa X 

  • Offline in reply to lisamcs

    HI Lisa,

    Thanks fory your message. I'm so very sorry to hear what a rough time you've had. I wish I had something to see that could possibly help. As you say, every case is so individual. Our family friend got diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer some years back and they basically told her to settle her affairs. She has been clear of cancer since 2008. I don't know her specifics but I draw a lot of hope from her ordeal. I'm sure you have heard such stories too and I don't even know why I mention it when I get kind of annoyed when people throw their positive stories at me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope you have a miraculouse recovery and become a legendary success story.

    I have a bunch of leaflets about the help MacMillan has to offer but I just haven't had time to go there to take advantage of any of it. A big reason is that I am still not even sure what I'm dealing with and the other reasons have a little to do with putting my head in the sand. As I've been waiting for these oncotype results to come I've been feeling better and better as I recover from the surgery. So I've been going out with friends, drinking too much (usually I never drink) and spending too much money (usally frugal becuase of constant worry about the future). I feel like it's the last few weeks when I'm going to feel good or like my normal self for a while and I'm trying to take advantage of it all. I go from being hugely impatient about getting my results, because I want all of this treatment to start so I will be able to take a planned holiday in July (already paid for), to simply not wanting to know and letting life move on normally.

    Today I feel like screaming. Maybe I should.

    I went to see La La Land last week. I don't really like such films but it seemed to be the only one suitable to take my girls to over the break. For most of the film, I didn't think about the cancer so it was a good brain holiday, even if it was only for about 90 min.

    Thanks again for your reply and I truly wish you all the best! Lots of love and hugs!

    Leah

     

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