Hi there Emma, welcome to the forum, but so sorry that you just lost your Mom to this terrible disease. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that you are agonizing over the things you said to your Mom when she was first diagnosed, i.e. getting on her case about not eating and that she couldn't get the treatments if she didn't eat, etc. My dear, we've all thought of things after losing a loved one that we should have (could have) done  something different, so forgive yourself for what you said. Your intentions were to help her, not to hurt her. I also think a big part of how you're feeling is related to the shock of how quickly your Mom died after her diagnosis. I think we commonly think of a cancer diagnosis as a more lengthy period of illness that may, or may not result in death. The feelings around the funeral coming up are not unusual since a lot of people face very similar aprehension at such a time. As for crying, a funeral is probably the one place where everyone expects to see loved ones crying over a loss. You will get through this and it will be difficult no question. You need to give yourself permission to feel this loss and you have nothing to be guilty for. What your Mom would want you to do at this point is take care of yourself and your child. He will need his Mom's full attention to support him through this loss. Its' also okay if he sees you cry and he may cry also, without even realizing why he's crying. You can explain to him in terms of what he can understand, why you're sad right now. Its' part of a child's development to learn from their parents that it is okay to cry when you're sad.

Come back on the forum when you can and let us know how you are coping. Remember to take care of yourself during this time. It is easy to skip meals, or lose sleep during the time of the funeral, etc., but do not do this because you need to eat and get your sleep more than ever.

Lorraine  

Thank you Lorraine for your reply and for just saying its ok to be me and that we all different. Its really good to hear from someone goinv through same thing.  Its hard talking to friends as they just dont get it. Am hoping wednesday will be over with quickly so i can start to get some kind of closure. 

Thanks again

em x

Hi Emma 

I lost my mam a month ago and I'm finding it very hard to come to terms with she was my rock and I feel devastated and lost without her. I feel I didnt appreciate her enough, our relationship was complex but I discovered more about my mam within the month of her diagnosis and death than I did throughout my whole life with her. I knew she loved me unconditionally and I was there supporting her and she discovered my unconditional love to. I get comfort from that. I had to make the decision to let her go and cuddled her until she took her last breath after multiple organ failure and sepsis. Leukaemia is so cruel. My mam was very fit and healthy and developed breathing problems and within a month of going into hospital she was dead  as she got an infection like your mam. Our instincts are to protect our loved ones and i feel you did your absolute best. Does it get easier? Theres no ideal way to deal with these tragic circumstances but you were there for your mam and shell be with you all the time and your child. Love and best wishes Sarah xxx

Hi thank you for reaching out. Your post touched me.

My mam had acute myeloid leukemia too.

Was it your son or brother you lost? I cant imagine what your feeling right now. Because everyone's journey is unique

I dont think it gets easier tbh but what I've learnt is to surround myself with genuine people. Throughout the darkest times you discover loyalty and true friendship but also the ugly side of human behaviour.

Stay strong. 

Sending you much love 

Sarah

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my step dad Sunday through ALL he was diagnosed in October 2017 and went straight onto a trial called UKALL60 he was 65 at the time he responded well and was in maintenance til June 2019 when he relapsed.  He went into hospital on the 20th as he had a temp which they couldn't bring down and unfortunately died of pneumonia, I'm struggling to cope as my mum saw he 3 hours earlier absolutely fine and he felt so much better, but the nurses found him lifeless around 8pm and couldn't be resaustated we knew he had leaukimia but we didnt expect him to go so quickly

I lost my mum from leukemia too. An illness that makes us at risk for being their children. There was nothing we could do. You were next to her with all your love and that is more than anything which can be achieved in love. Love. I lost her on the 31 July. I saw her for 5 days switching off this world. No one explained anything to me. I was left with many many questions. The hospital did not explain anything. The day prior to her death she asked me to move her to another hospital which I did with great difficulty. Nightmares are nothing next to my experience. I had bad dreams for weeks. I know I have trauma as well about how everything happened. The world is more hostile now than centuries ago. We don't know nothing about death no one explain us. Hospitals are rough places were patients are numbers.

Hi 

I know this post was written some time ago, but i wanted to see how you are doing?

I lost my mum to Acute Myeloid Leukemia a month ago. She died from a catastrophic bleed to the brain 7 days after her diagnosis and I am still in complete shock and traumatised by her going so soon. She was only 68

My best friend died of leukaemia. She showed me her rash a few days into secondary school (in September) when she told me she had to go into hospital for some tests. I didn't say goodbye because I thought she would soon be back. She died just a few weeks later in October. My parents told me it was leukaemia. No one would let me see her. No one explained what was going on only that she was ill and I couldn't visit her in case I passed on bugs. There were no mobile phones in those days and I wasn't allowed a phone call even. My beautiful friend was only 11. Leukaemia is a horrid, horrid beast!