Hi, my name is Poppy. I lost my partner Amy just over three months ago. In my picture she is the one on the left, I am the one on the right, I think this picture was taken about two years ago, not long before her diagnosis. She was only 32 when she passed away. Everyone had such high hopes that treatment would work for her because she was young and healthy. It started of as stage 1 melanoma and she had a mole removed and started treatment and for such a long time you wouldn't even know there was anything wrong apart from the massive scar on her shoulder and neck. But eventually the lumps spread all of over her body and then to her brain and her spine. She had radiotherapy and her hair fell out, she had been told it wouldn't. They changed her treatment but that didn't work and towards the end she deteriated so rapidly, she ended up in a hospice which is where she ended her days. We used to live together in Brighton but when she started treatment at the Royal Marsden she moved back to her parents to be nearer the hospital and have more people there to care for her and I eventually had to move back to my parents. I went to see her as often as I could, but it was so hard seeing her towards the end and seeing how much she had changed. Luckily I was there when she died, but i will never forgive myself that i didn't go to the hospice with her parents in the morning because when me and her sister went in the afternoon we arrived about five minutes after she took her last breath. I am so glad I was there but I just wish I could have been there to hold her hand and tell her I loved her before she left even though she probably wouldn't have known I was there. She was my entire life, my best friend and my soulmate, We did everything together, until she had to move we spent every day together. I thought we would be together forever. I am struggling so much, I cry everyday and feel completely lost and alone. I am dreading the next few months. On the 13th December we would have been together for six years, On the 21st December it would have been her 33rd Birthday and then it is Christmas. I don't know how I am going to cope. I have suffered from depression for a long time and in my adult life have never much liked Christmas because it is a time when everyone is supposed to be happy and I would just end up crying. Being with Amy was the only thing that made me happy at Christmas again. I spent the last three years spending it with her family and we had so much fun. I have family that love me but Christmas with them isn't quite the same and it is going to be so hard to get through this year. I hate the fact that Christmas is everywhere already, seeing decorations in the shops, seeing people doing their shopping, seeing adverts on tv, it all just makes me want to scream... I hate you all! I just want to run away on my own somewhere and completely ignore Christmas. If I had my own family, If I had kids, it would be different, but I don't, It is just me isolating myself from the world finding it unbearable to watch other people getting on with their lives and feeling festive and having fun. Amy was the love of my life. I miss her so much it's unbearable.