Good Morning Amber, never apologise for the way you are feeling as there are dozen's of people on here who are probably experiencing the same emotions as you are. Some on a new 'journey' and others on a path well travelled, each and everyone can associate with how you are feeling right now.

The wee small hours are the pits! when worst case scenarios always pop up. My husband has just completed his 1st treatment. His emotions when he was 1st diagnosed were exactly as you explained, fear of leaving us, ripped off by how much he was going to miss out on, this however was quite short lived and then followed by anger and now too tired to think about anything.

As for your treatment it is your right to question it, you worked in the environment you are savvy with the ins and outs. To be honest if they had told us to collect camel dung, flick it at Ian under a full moon whilst standing on 1 leg I would have been straight up the zoo with a pooper scooper. I do not mean to sound trite or unfeeling but thats how desperate we felt.

Do you actually talk to anyone about how you are feeling ? Family, Friends ? Sometimes it's good to verbalise whats whizzing round your head. As for friends 'drifting' away, we already have people avoiding us like the plague mainly due to they don't know what to say. I'm sorry if anything I've replied seems pointless, I just want you to know you are not alone in this, and many of us see the wee small hours when our brain decide's its time to nag you ...... personally I'm up because the stupid cat decides to start catawalling like a banshee and is coming very short into being turned into either a doorstop or a giant slipper 

Much Love Lesley x