Hi Kimmy, I'm a Play Therapist and often work with children who are struggling with life events........your instinct is probably right when you say you think your daughter suspects already because children are good at picking up tensions even when we think we have protected them from what is going on for us. They (children) are sensitive to subtle changes in our behaviours and adjust theirs accordingly, hence the shadowing. I think it is always so difficult in the the situation you find yourself in because we as parents try to protect our children from the pain we are feeling ourselves, but they sense something is different/wrong and this leads them to feel confused/ anxious.......and so your daughter is trying to protect herself by keeping close through shadowing and questions. To help your daughter I suggest you talk to her in a way she will understand, in Play Therapy we use symbols (toys) to relate stories telling real events and so the child can relate to the toy with the similar story but the pain of the situation is slightly removed from them and thus is more bearable to talk about. There are story books to read about losing people and through the story you may find it easier to relate what is happening in the book to your family situation. You and your daughter will then be able to open up a chat that can be as frank as you feel appropriate for her age and she will feel included. She will probably want to know a lot of information and you will still want to protect her but if you give her answers as she asks she will feel her needs are met. As long as you let her know that you will answer her questions as they arise you should see a change in her behaviour as you will have given her a way in to the situation she senses you'll notice she asks for information when she feels able to absorb it........I would suggest you let her lead in this way rather than you sitting her down and telling her what you feel she needs to know. This of course will be painful for you as her questions will probably be matter of fact ' is grandad going to die?' But you hopefully will also find that once such questions have been answered truthfully and in a way that an 8 year old can understand ( ' it is so sad but everybody dies eventually and your grandad has had such a wonderful life with us all as his family, but yes he is going to die because he is too poorly and this sometimes happens when people are older, and it makes us all feel so sad that I feel..........how do you feel???? ) closeness and sharing of feelings is important so that your daughter knows that you can bear her sadness with her. This will undoubtably be a difficult conversation because you won't be wanting your daughter to feel more worried after than she was before, but as long as she feels able to share her worries she should be fine, though watching her sadness will add to yours! I feel for your family as I have been in this same situation and when we are in so much pain it is very hard to bear that of others as it adds to the burden, but openness ( in a child friendly way) at this time will teach your daughter a powerful life lesson that she will take with her........that feelings can be shared and don't need to be hidden, that you as her mum can relate to her pain, that parents are honest and not secretive but also protective in a way that the family can move through the storms of life together and with strength, that death is natural and bearable though very painful and it might not feel bearable sometimes. I wish you all well, if you google storybooks with a theme of a loved one passing on/ dying you will find a range of titles, one I use is 'Badgers parting gift' .......using a story will possibly give you an easier way in to your conversation beacause you will be able to use a character to introduce it for you. Good luck Kimmy I hope this has helped in some way .

Hi Kimmy, sorry for the journey you as a family now find yourself on. I had a similar situation with my Dad a year ago when he had a terminal diagnosis and was very worried how my children would cope, as they adored him (aged 10, 9 and 7) at that time. The advice I was given was to speak in a language they understand and to be as honest as possible. The first question they asked me was whether he was going to die and I had to tell them yes but followed up with everybody will die one day. They were obviously then very upset at the time of the conversation but I do feel that it then made them understand more the importance of the time we then shared as well as an understanding of why I may be with my parents more than usual or at the hospital so often. Chemo treatment was pretty brutal so I did tell them that this would try and fight the cancer but also make him feel poorly at the same time and that we did not know whether the treatment would work. I got guidance from a local cancer information centre and there is a Macmillan guide in what to tell children. I was told that keeping information from them might make them more anxious as they will pick up on conversations and behaviours from others and could start thinking all sorts of scenarios. Children are very resilient and I'm sure will actually help you no end with what you are now facing. I also emphasised that there are lots of different cancers and lots of people can recover from a cancer but sometimes cancer can't be cured, as no doubt other people they know will be facing cancer at some point. Wishing you all the best xxx

Thanks Caroline, it's much appreciated - there's such a fine line between being honest and saying to much. She's such a sensitive little soul who keeps things to herself and internalises.