Hello
Let me introduce myself and my story. I am a 60 year old lady living in Europe as a long term ex-pat with a long time partner and no kids.

Until this year I had worked continuously since I was 21, the last 10 being as a manager of various teams, being responsible for my writing specialisation, and for the performance and development of my staff. 

Then I was made redundant. Not what I planned, but to be fair the company I worked for has a very good exit plan, and settlement package. So until April my biggest concern was deciding what I wanted to do next, whilst planning to de-stress and work on my big passion - playing the guitar. Hence my user name.

Then the cancer journey started. The small pea sized hard lump just above my elbow, which had sat there for many months largely forgotten, and confidently diagonsed by myself as a small lipoma, stated to get bigger. I look myself to the doctor who also thought it was a lipoma and sent me off to the local hospital to have it removed. They took a look and decided they didn't know what it was .. so we progressed over a period of several weeks from echo investigation to full on MRI. Truthfully, the worst I expected was a cyst. I was blissfully naive. But they decided it was a cancer and referred me to the best cancer hosital in the country which lucky for me is relatively nearby. I got the diagnosis within two weeks - Merkel cell carcinoma - unusual and with no consistant prognosis. By this stage the lump was about 4 cm in diameter and sticking up 1 cm. It was never painful however. And it was always just out of sight. So I could be blissfully in denial how serious this was.

Today I  am sitting at home recovering from reconstructive surgery. My upper left arm quite literally looks like it was bitten by a shark. The removal left a 7 by 9 cm crater. They took it as deep as they dared without leaving me crippled. I will need 30 radiotherapy sessions, and constant monitoring. It didn't spread into my lymphs, but they did find a tumor cell in the sentinal node they removed. They decided that was best resolved by monioring to spare me potentially non-beneficial removal of all nodes in my left armpit. Which is good from the point of view I will keep most mobility in my arm, but means I am going to be in dread of another tumor. Denial is over - the evidence quite literally staring me in the face.

So, like all people on this forum, I am shell shocked by this life changing situation and trying to put on a brave face. What I find difficult is that I can't really show the depth of my fear, anger and despair to those closest to me. Everyone says how upbeat I seem after my surgeries. But I confess to you, as strangers, with apologies, that sometimes I think I would rather have been taken suddenly in a car wreck than endure this disease - which seems so capricious as to threaten my ability to play and give me even more stress straight after stopping work. Early days I guess but really - who would have imagined I would end up in such a pathetic state from such small beginnings in such a short time. I have drawn strength from people I met at the hospital who seem to be coping with their cancer so stoically. But I'm not totally there yet.

Thanks for listening.