Hi, I have been riding the emotion roller coaster of watching, living with my Dad whom has pancreatic cancer. 3years ago I recieved a phone call from my Dad late in the evening, He told me he had been diagnosed with cancer, and the doctor told him he would be lucky to live past a month. He had been misdiagnosed 8 mths earlier and the cancer was in his pancreas and the bile duct.                                                                                                                                                                                                               It was hard enough hearing he had cancer, but then to be told he could be gone in a month, I couldnt comprehend it. He had been at my house the week before, helping move a mobile home, I was stunned, numb. I have 3 girls (then aged16, 13 and 11) all were extremely close to my Dad, how was I to tell them. Mum and Dad lived an hours drive away, He had appointments the following day, and needed time with Mum. So my husband, my girls and I went up the following day. I was totally unprepared for what greeted us when we arrived. My Dad had lost about 10 kilos, his skin was yellow, his white part of his eyes were a bright yellow, his breathing was shallow and his speech was shaky and weak, he couldnt stand unassisted and had to be supported to move around. He was in severe pain. My mum was shattered. He had been booked in to have the whipple procedure on the following Thursday, (which was 6 days away). and was told if sucessful he may get 6 -9mths more life.            As the day went on he deteriated more and more. Late in the afternoon Mum recieved a call from his oncologist saying they were moving his surgery forward to the Tuesday, I went home that night still trying to comprehend what was happening. I wanted to be with my Dad so I drive back to their house at 2am. He had deteriated even more, he was struggling to breathe and crying out in pain. We didnt think he would make it through the night let alone to Tuesday and the surgery. As the numbness I was feeling wore off, anger set in. I was angry at the doctors how could they have missed the cancer. specialist missed it but a gp picked up shadows on his scans.  The next few days were awful I worked during the day and then I drove up to see dad everynight. The anger continued to bubble, I was angry at the whole world.  Tuesday came and I drove mum and Dad to the hospital for the surgery, Dad was in that much pain I was driving at 30km per hour as he couldnt handle any bumps etc. My Dad being a proud and stubborn man  wanted to walk into the hospital and up to day surgery department were we had to go. But was that weak he couldnt. Mum asked an orderly in the main foyer of hospital is we could get a wheelchair for Dad. The orderly looked at Dad and called a code blue, doctors and nurses came from everywhere, with a crashcart and all. we explained that we had to go to day surgery. They wheeled Dad up there and parked him in the waiting area. while his admittance was done. Other patients in waiting room were staring at him. One ignorant women waiting with her son, moved away from him stating loud enough to be heard that she didnt want to get whatever disease he had,  It was a horrible experience. I couldn't believe we were placed in waiting area. after about 45mins the took him in to a bed and begin preparing him for surgery. These things just increased my anger.  9 long hours past before the doctor came and told us that Dad had made it through the surgery and was in intensive care, and that we could go and see him shortly.  She also told us that Dad had maybe 5 hours life left when they finally took him into surgery and if they hadnt moved it forward he would not have made it till Thursday.  We had been told prior that Dad would be in an induced coma for the first few days after surgery, but when we went into see him he was awake and screaming in pain (it was the worst sound I had ever heard) We questioned the nurse stationed at the end of his bed about this and was told the anethesist had decided not to put him into coma.  I could not stay in there.    The following day they did put him into the coma, having never seen a person in a coma (cept on movies where they just looked asleep) I was shocked to find him restrained,  his arms tied to the sides of the bed, I started to cry and say to nurse "He's not a criminal why is he restrained"  She explained that he was ripping at his tubes etc. The next week was a blurr,  he was brought out of the coma and monitored then after about nine days he was moved to High dependancy ward,  On my youngest daughters birthday we were told that the surgery was not a complete sucess and the cancer had gotten into his nervous system, they had removed 3/4 of Dad's pancreas and put a stint in the bile duct. He was no longer yellow.  They told him he would have  6 -12 mths with intense chemo and radiation. The next few months were a blurr, as Dads fight began, He suffered a mild heart attack, about halfway thru his treatment. Unfortunately Dads treatment was unsuccessful and the small amounts of cancer were found in his spine lungs and liver. The chemotherapy had affected dads heart and cause it to deteriate, this made any further chemotherapy not an option,  A year had past and Dad was still with us, It was Quality life for him but he was still here.  Dad suffered several minor heart attacks over the next 8 months, but was still alive, His doctors were amazed. Two years past and Dad suffered a massive heart attack where he died 3 times but the ambulance officers and then cardiac care staff brought him back, he had surgery and they placed 6 stints into the arteries of his heart.  Another year has passed since then. He has been intense pain both from the cancer that is spreading and growing in his body and heart pain. He is on some extremely strong drugs but still feels the pain. He has suffered several heart attacks over the last few months, has formed a gastric pocket in his gullet, which makes eating and drinking hard at times, one of his kidneys is no longer working and the other is just functioning.  The cancer has continued to grow. A month ago he was told by his oncologist that he could have 12 days, 12 weeks but the end is not far away.  He wants to die at home and has signed a no resusatation order now.  This weekend he suffered another heart attack, he couldn't move, or speak he was struggling to breath, gasping. But again he is still here.  I cherish the extra time we have been lucky enough to have with Dad but it has not been quality life for him. It seem so cruel watching him suffer so much. He does not want to die, and amazes all that he keeps pulling through.   I want him to never ever leave us on one hand and then on the other I dont want him to suffer anymore and there are times I wish he would just go to sleep. The last 3 years have been precious but so very painful.

Sorry about the long post this is the first time I have joined a forum, told dads story to anyone but family and close friends,