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Losing my husband of 50 years :(

Linda1951
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Hi all I'm Linda and and just over a year ago around January my husband was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer which is a type of lung cancer that is very aggressive and sadly it was caught too late. For the past year or so we have tried radiotherapy,chemotherapy and a different type or radiotherapy called cyberknive and all controlled the cancer for a while but now all treatments have stopped as there's nothing more anyone can do. 

At this moment in time it's about keeping him pain free and relaxed. He had went through a spell of breathless and painful coughing and we had another scan and found out he has COPD (Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) and this ultimately has made his illness worse. 

50 years of marriage has been spent with this great man and now I'm sadly seeing him fade away slowly and it's killing me inside. My kids and grandchildren have been nothing but supportive and loving but somehow I still feel alone in this journey. What gets me is that he's becoming ignorant and when I make him food he turns his head away from me which he's never done. I know he feels rotten and unwell so I can't think too much into it. 

I also have a 93 year old mother who isn't doing the best right now either so I feel all over the place. Everyone offers to help with my husband  but I feel like it's my priority to deal with it. Anyway hope everyone has a nice evening -Linda 

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    Hi Linda, I am happy you were able to find this site, but saddened that your husband has been diagnosed with cancer. I have found the people on here to be incredibaly supportive. I am 26 years old and my dad was just diagnosed with avanced prostate cancer. I never expected to have to deal with a terminal illness of my parent so young, but knowing there are other people going through this has helped a little bit.

    I know there's nothing I can really say to make you feel better, but try to take care of yourself and I also find that staying in the moment helps me quite a bit. I try not to think about the future so much and really value the moments right now. 

    I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this. Do you have friends or people you can talk to about your feelings? Maybe someone who has been through a similar situation? I have a couple friends who have a family member with terminal cancer and it's a little easier knowing I have them to talk to. 

    Maybe getting some help with your husband might be a good idea when people offer? I just wouldn't want you to get too worn out helping him all the time, sometimes we need a little break for ourselves, right? I hope this message can help you a little bit, and I really hope that you will be able to find some peace. If you ever need to talk i'm always here to chat. Sending my thoughts your way. 

  • Offline in reply to GiftThePresent

    Hi GiftThePresent so sorry to hear about your dad I know from experience losing my dad to prostate cancer years ago was horrible and my mother was most effected. At her golden age she is still a kind loving person that's always talks about him. 

    I'm just that kind of person that doesn't except help my kids are always on at me to take a break away and let them take care of him but something holds me back. I know I'm not getting any younger and let's be honest and this stress isn't helping. 

    I have a lot of friends and family but I'm that kind of person that sits back and hears everyone else's problems and when it comes full cycle I say my life's great when in reality I'm just as stressed out as the next person. It's nice to know there's someone to talk to much appreciated. Take care -Linda 

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    Hi Chris so sorry you lost your hubby 9 months ago and your right I need to spend as much time as I can with him but it's hard when all he does reject everything. I'm still in shock that I could lose him any day or next week but sadly this is life and we all need to come to an end at some point. 

    I can't tell you how many treatments,doctors respiratory clinics I have been to this past 6 months and none of it has helped. And it's hard knowing there's nothing I can do to take the pain away. In the years I've been with him he's  never cried but recently he has just bursts into tears in my arms and my heart aches but his mood changes dramatically which I don't understand. It's good knowing I'm not in this myself and others have been is similar situations. 

    Thanks for telling me a bit about what happened with you and I'm here as well for you even though it's been 9 months still not long since. Take care -Linda x

  • Offline in reply to Linda1951
    Hi Linda, Sorry to hear what you're going through, my thoughts are with you. My mum lost a husband of 48 years, nearly seven months ago. He was such a significant part of my life and I am devastated. During his battle suffered great depression in the latter part. I'd never seen him cry all my life until last year when in front of him I became very upset having learned of his diagnosis earlier in the day. Then many months later at the end of November when I simply asked how are things, by which time he knew for sure his lung cancer (and by now brain cancer) was terminal, he burst into tears exclaiming he just wanted things to be back to normal. Equally I'd never witnessed mum and dad argue, but was told by mum that in the last few months he did get quite frustrated and once snapped because he felt she was getting to eat portions too large for him. I sensed he was hurting inside, not being able to do things for himself and that his fate was in the hands of this horrible disease. I imagine that these mood changes you see are also part of their depression and frustration. I suffer from it myself and can go from being ok to very depressed very quickly, even without any obvious trigger. I hope you're able to stay strong for each other, try to be understanding and treasure each day they are still with you, but also remember to look after yourself as well. Take care, Steve.
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    Hi linda

    l lost my husband 13 days before our ruby anniversary he was diagnosed in June with lung cancer and we were told he had 2 to 3 months but he passed away 3weeks later it was so sudden and he deteriorated day by day I to felt he pushed me away he would get very short tempered with me when he's always been such a caring husband I to have loving children and grandchildren but also felt so alone and the need to do everything I'm now trying just to get through day by day but I feel so lost and alone I know the pain your feeling watching him fade and you feel so helpless I pray you find the strength to keep going godbless linda

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    Hi Linda Is there any way possible that I can help?
  • Offline in reply to Stevie82

    Hi Steve I'm so sorry that you lost your dad I know the feeling all too well. It's really sad when you do find out about a loved one being unwell because you feel helpless and in a heart beat you would take there place. 

    As ive said my hubby was never a crier but it's like he snapped in side and he just couldn't keep it together anymore. When he was told by the hospital he had advanced lung cancer he acted like it was fine and it was like the flu it'll go away but he soon realised this was reality and he fell into depression. He told me one night don't ever let the family see me like this cause I don't know if I could keep it together. And that really brought a tear to my eye. Like him im not a crier I'm quite a tough person inside this petit body of mine but there's been a few occasions where I've just had to let it out. 

    The sad part about it all he won't except help unless it's me. I don't know how many times my daughters have offered to take him out for the day in the wheelchair as he cant breathe when he walks to far. And he just ignores them. 

    I'm staying strong and will be there till the end for him. Take care , Linda x

  • Offline in reply to Linda1951

    Hi Linda.  I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.  I know it must be devastating as my partner of 31 years has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer which has spread widely throughout her body, so she will receive palliative care - and we don't know how long she might live, but more likely months if we're lucky, rather than years.  I just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you and with everyone else who is coping with the imminent loss of someone much loved by them.

  • Offline in reply to marley4

    Hi Marley can't believe you lost your dear husband 13 days before your ruby anniversary must if been horrible for you. We celebrated out 50th anniversary in January and it's was great but it was mostly me dancing and having fun while sat at the side frail and looking very ill. Though he did make a speech ghats about all he could do. 

    My husband has had a steady decline in health and it's unbelievably sad. He hasent got an ounce of fat on him he is like a walking sceliton and he won't eat so it really worries me when he's sick because he's not eating and when he eats he brings it up. The cancer is in his brain, Stomach, liver, bowel just everywhere and his kidneys are failing and they don't see the point putting him on dialysis. But he's on strong medication for the pain and when I feel it's time  then whole cancer team will come into the house and set up the drip medication hopefully won't be for a while still. Take care ,Linda 

  • Offline in reply to Finley

    Hi Finley I'm sorry to hear about your darling partner it seems there's more people in my situation than I first thought. My thoughts are with you and god bless. Take care dear ,Linda 

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