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Struggling with "body mutilation" thoughts

AlisonS
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Hi.

 I am booked to have mastectomy of left breast. Trouble is, i ahve already lost uterus, ovaries and cervix (hysterecotmy) but also my clitoris, labia and clitoral hood - this is due to a hoorid little disease called lichen sclerosis that can atrophy one's gentals.

So my breasts are my only reamaining feminine bits left! I can't stand the thought of yet more of my femininity being chopped away. I am not suitable for body tissue reconstruction (because of cardiac problems)

My rather horrible consultant keeps teling me that my breasts will not match, will never match even if I have reconstruction on the right (unaffected) breast further down the line. He says they will not ever look normal,  will be distorted etc.

Without wishing to sound melodramatic, I am currenlty feeling suicidal about the whole thing (there are other less than wonderful things happening in my life, but the propect of a futher mutilaited body - the lichen sclerosois already makes me feel like a freak - seems unbearable.  I am being supported by a good mental health team but it would help tremendously to hear some success stories of  happy reconstructions.

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    Hello AlisonS,

    You certainly have been through an awful lot poor you. I hope it will bring you a little comfort to know that others here are facing similar decisions on reconstruction and worried also about how it will affect their femininity. Only yesterday, some ladies were discussing reconstruction here so don't hesitate to chat to them about it all. Another great thread for you to look at would be this one by Cazzled who is in a similar situation to you at the moment. Many of our members have had mastectomies and I hope they will be along soon to share their story with you. You are definitely not alone though and I hope this forum will put you in touch with some of our wonderful people who have faced similar difficult reconstruction choices as you. You could also edit perhaps your title and include the words 'breast reconstruction' in it so that our members can see straight away from the homepage that you are looking for shared experiences on breast reconstruction?

    I wonder whether you could also ask to talk to a different consultant? Sometimes it helps to have a different opinion and to speak to someone who is more understanding of your particular situation.

    Our website has detailed information on breast reconstruction which may be useful to you. Our nurses would also be able to advise and answer questions you may have. They are very nice and will be very attentive to your particular situation so don't hesitate to ring them on this free number 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. There is also an Ask the Nurses topic area on this forum. 

    I know you have been through an awful lot with this other condition you are simultaneously having to deal with and that this is affecting how you are feeling about your femininity, but try not to listen to these suicidal thoughts. You sound like a lovely person and I am glad you are supported by a good mental health team. If you feel really down, don't hesitate to ring the Samaritans helpline too. 

    I hope coming to this forum will help you too. You will be surprised to see how many here are feeling just like you at the moment. I will now let them come and say hello and share their story with you!

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi Alison, I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing with all of the problems you've had, and indeed, are still having. What you're going through is so hard and does take a big emotional toll on your mental health. I am not experiencing the same issues that you are, but your post really got my attention when you wrote that you are suicidal. As women, our body image does affect our emotional feelings, (likely does for men too) but who we are inside (our heart) means a great deal too, and I think you have a good heart. The people who really matter will see the good in you, so won't have any problem getting past your physical appearance. I wish there was something I could say to give you more hope for how your breast reconstruction, but I don't really have a personal experience with breast cancer. I do know though, that several friends of mine have had breast reconstruction after a mastectomy and I don't see that there is anything abnormal. It sounds like your consultant was very insensitive about how he spoke to you about this. He needs a wakeup call big time!

    I'm glad you are being supported by a good mental health team and I hope you have shared your concerns about your feelings around this issue with them. Please talk to this team about your feelings around suicide if you haven't already. You don't mention family or friends around you and I really hope you do have those supports in your life. I will share with you that I lost my son to suicide and take my word for it, there is no greater pain in this world for loved ones left behind. Please, please, don't go down that road. In your darkest hours, reach out to people you trust and let them help you through this difficult journey. You can get through this. People on this forum are very caring and supportive. Reach out to them and take the support for yourself from others in your life. Come back on the forum and write about your feelings. It helps to get it out there and its' a bonus when people write back and support you through this very challenging time.

    Sending hugs.

    Lorraine   

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    You are ever and always a woman. Perhaps you will feel heartened to follow this link:

    www.google.com/search

    We could do a fundraiser, seriously.

    You are beautiful.  I love you.

    .

     

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