Hi there and welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry to hear you lost your husband. My dad had a few personality issues long before he was diagnosed. My mum kept going on how he'd changed and I guess he had in some ways. I put it down to the fact he'd given up smoking a while back. (My nan turned a bit nasty before she was diagnosed also). In my head I've also reconstructed what happened and tried to fill in the gaps where so many answers are missing. I think it's part of the process. My dad only had 3 days between diagnosis and passing. I think because of this you have to deal with the shock of having terminal cancer and also the passing of a loved one. 55 is no age to pass away, you live life planning what you'll be doing in your retirement and so on. What happens certainly changes you forever, life will never be the same. As more time passes I hope there is some peace to be found. There is still a massive void that had been left and unfortunately that can't be changed. All we have now are the memories that were created and an empty chair where they once sat. I've found some comfort from this site. Cancer is so cruel and life is so precious. Continue to take baby steps, day by day. You like my mum are very strong you just don't know it. Take care x

Hi,

It must feel just devastating to lose your husband in such a short space of time and you have had to be so very brave to cope thus far.  I lost my husband in January last year and though his diagnosis was terminal at age 60  he survived a further three years and watching that happen was heartbreaking.  I have good friends and family support and am still working a couple of days a week (reduced hours because of the stress I felt and needed time to grieve and get my head around things).  I joined this forum during his illness and it has been so supportive.  Being able to share your fears/worries and just the total unfairness of what has happened made me feel a little less alone. Definitely relate to taking everything on a day to day basis  and I do not expect too much of myself.

Taking time to reflect has made me grateful for the wonderful years he was part of my life as a best friend, husband, dad and grandad and now it's my turn to keep his memory precious for us all.  He is in my thoughts on waking and then at night too (still not sleeping that great to be honest) but I have become determined over the months to honour my man by living (even though the emotional turmoil makes it harder) and am a little further along the grieving road that you are just now.

Talk here anytime and there is nearly always someone who understands even if the circumstances surrounding our loss are very individual.  Be kind to yourself and sending a virtual hug. Jules54

Thank you for your kind reply. I suppose thats why I wanted to give this forum a try, things are so confusing an d difficult, it is comforting to hear someone elses point of view. Friends and family seem intent on moving me ahead, getting on..with life..but I am stuck and I agree with you, there is both the shock and the grief to deal with and the million other things that hit you at the same time. I feel I need to take small steps...I wish you and your mother courage and strength, your dad having left you so suddenly, a shock. Yes, and with hindsight putting the pieces of the puzzle together as best we can whether useful or not, I do it. And at the time worrying about small signs, hoping it will be nothing special, something manageable, I am learning that cancer no matter how the news comes, is always a terrible shock.

Take care 

Hi Jules54, 

So good to read your reply, thank you. During the years of our marriage both my husband and I were aware and grateful for all the luck, health and happiness we had had. I hope that some day I like you will take comfort in those great memories. The tunnel Im in now is so dark and all the beautiful memories hurt so much, having to live without him and the loss of his life, for him, for me for us...so painful..although I think its normal for me to feel this way, its so hard...it will take time, I musnt expect too much. 

Im sorry to read that you lost your husband as well, It sounds like you have had a tough time but that you are strong and have been able to work through some things. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

Hi

Those early days of grief felt very raw and I often wondered if I could get out of the black hole on some days. Belonging to this forum made me see I could draw on the strength of others but it is a slow but sure. day by day and as you say can  be hour by hour process.  It just shows how much we have loved and lost. I still get emotionally down times when the darker memories invade but am slowly learning to bring forward a specific 'happy' memory to help me cope.

You are right, it is very hard and takes whatever time necessaryl I called it my emotional rollercoaster ( do not like the real rollercoaster rides much either!!).  Everything we do now has some sort of reminder attached to it and many adjustments to be made.  I know I carry his love within me whereever I am but it can never be quite the same. Life is forever changed but I will live it because of him.  Okay so I am rambling now. Sending hugs.  Jules

Hi Moon and Stars - can I call you M&S? :)

Thank you for sharing that - I found after my wife died talking about it helped - it hurt just that little bit less each time I told the story - I hope you find that too.

In our case we knew that this would take Melanie from the initial diagnosis but we were lucky that good treatment gave her 3 years of near symptom free living and she deteriorated rapidly and died in no more than 3 weeks.

I guess that gave me more time to get used to the idea up front and I think as a consequence my resilience has been so much more than people who have had to endure long uncertainty of outcome or sudden loss.

All the same I have been struck by my ability to inflict pain on myself in grief, to go over and over in my mind the most painful memories, even though I know they are counter productive and only bring me pain and so over time I have trained myself not to dwell on them. It still bursts through occasionally and I think "Oh I must tell Melanie that..Oh!" then I quickly go and switch and find something to take my mind off of it. Over the 6 months since she died I have so many of the projects in the house done that we'd been putting off it's amazing.

Funny we were married 24 years too 25 in May and while I'm recovering from the grief well you don't ever get to be totally the same again. How could you be? I've said I miss her like I would an arm and like losing an arm you are forever scarred by it.

I think that the secret is to accept that you are in the position that you are in that there is no "Us" anymore that it is just "Me" and to play the cards you have infront of you now. How long it takes to reach that point when you're ready to do that depends on the individual, but there is no value to you in mourning the lost person forever - yes it is an incredible loss - sometimes I think of the detail in that relationship all the shared memories and habitual interactions, the little shared intimacies all now gone, lost forever and then I go and do something else to take my mind off of it because it really serves no purpose.

You will move on - it will stop hurting quite as much, how quickly that happens will depend on you, maybe it will be slowly over time or maybe you'll wake up one morning and make a concious decision.

But my advice to you as to anybody is that shocking as it seems your mind is not your friend - it is bringing you back to painful memories and trying to get you to dwell in a fantasy happy place where he's still with you. Even when you've successfully put it out of your mind it will ambush you and you need to develop strategies for things to do when all you want to do is sit and stew. If getting out of bed is hard maybe make a list of what you want to do tomorrow before you go to bed.

These are just things that have helped me - you may develop other strategies but it does sound as if you are still pouring over what happened and looking back,and sooner or later you'll have to draw a line under that and look forwards.

M&S sounds good. Thank you so much for sharing so much, I feel you have done very well indeed in how you are able to approach and manage your feelings and have strategies to steer away from the hard and non constructive bits...I like you have found talking important and helpful and and have been so lucky that desr friends have been patient and willing..I am 45 and none of our/ my friends are in similiar situations, thankfully, and they have been brilliant with me.  

I coped very well, instinctively, with the caregiving part, but the aftermath of the decline and death having been so sudden, that hasnt been easy to cope with. You write that you had time to get used to the idea of what was ahead, I suppose we are never prepared in the end. The unimagineable.

I certainly think way too much, and by doing so I am not helping myself, or is it my way of muddling through I am not sure. you chose a good word: dwell. In my case mainly happy memories, which make clear the terrible extent of the loss, there is no acceptance going on in my mind, I am clinging on to what cannot be anymore. You make very valid points and I will take them to heart. I have been away from home..for most of the time, sheltering from the pain of being there on my own, in familiar surroundings but everything forever changed...how wonderful that you have gotten so much done around your house. Something else for me to think about...thank you :-) so long

Dear Moon and Stars

Keep strong my love. I understand your pain and I know that one day we'll come out the other side. It's just, that frightens me as much as it does now. I feel strong some days and plan changes to the house and garden and then other days I just shut my eyes and i'm back in the world before cancer. We had such plans for our future and it feels really scary planning the years ahead without my beautiful hubby...get a dog, people cry....or a hobby. Maybe in time, but for the moment I'm taking each day as it comes and giving myself a pat on the back for surviving....I know Kev would be so proud of me and that gives me comfort. I'm off to bed now, cos I've just looked at the time!!!  Good job I took early retirement from school. Night,night xx

Sounds to me like you're starting to heal a bit peach - I'm sure you'll start to have more of the good days and fewer of the bad.

And yes I'm sure he'd be proud of you - it takes a lot of strength, it's no small thing