Hello Powersu.  Welcome to the forum.  I am so sorry for your sad loss,  There is nothing I can do or say to make your feelings of complete loss any easier but please try to remember that you have come to the right place for understanding.  I know only too well what you're going through.  I lost my precious Mum on 4 January 2012 (yes, today, four years ago) and everyone that I knew just stopped talking to me afterwards.  I know the old cliche is because they don't know what to say but, come one, we don't want a conversation, just a friendly hand on the arm or a cuddle says a thousand words.  The thing that helped me was that I kept telling myself that I was being selfish.  My Mum was no longer in pain; she was once again happy and back to being her old self.  When I felt strong enough, indoors I used to call the  neighbours/friends/relatives all the names under the sun for all I was worth just to get it out of my system.  I still talk to Mum and if people think I'm barmy, I've now got to the stage where I couldn't care less.  It will be difficult; there will be dark times but please carry on for your daughter's sake.  Talk to her, explain how you feel.  She will help you through this awful time as you helped her through her awful time.  During the early days, I used to have the most strange throughts sometimes.  When I went to our local supermarket, i saw someone who worked there doing her shopping and she asked after Mum.  When I told her, she actually stumbled backwards against the toilet rolls and knocked a few on the floor.  All I could think of was that it was a good job we weren't amongst the tinned goods!  Don't rush things, take each day as it comes and, don't forget, if people choose to be ignorant, and to me that's all it is, then that's their problem, not yours.  Don't forget you can always come on here and talk to someone to let off steam, complain, cry or whatever you want.  Sadly we do know what you're going through.

Sending you love, understanding and comfort.

BB xx

Firstly, I simply cannot imagine what you are going through, I have a 2yr old and the thought of losing hime is unthinkable. I lost my dad to cancer just over 2 yrs ago, when my little one was 4.5 months old and I fell to pieces and have struggled to accept it ever since. My mum found it hard as she lost her husband, brother and brother-in-law within 30 days, but appeared to be coping until she admitted almost 2 yrs later that she just couldn't stop being mad at everyone and everything. For her some bereavement counselling and antidepressants have helped. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with breast cancer in december and I found it very strange to be on the other side. I found I was comforting other people when I told them, instead of them comforting me.

I have always talked to my dad since he passed away, usually when I'm in the car and I found it really helped, especially now as I keep telling him I miss him so much but am not ready to join him just yet. I just think that you need to do whatever it takes to get you through each day, and if other people can't handle that then you really don't need them in your life right now. 

take care 

nixylix xx

Mad, Sad,

Hi and thanks for the replies and understanding.

I know this is all going to take time to feel anywhere near normal again.

I just get so annoyed that I am "not allowed" to grieve for my daughter.I know there is alot going on  that I 

cant even begin to talk about.The circumstances surrounding her final hours and unwanted intrusion at the time,

Let alone the overwhelming sadness we all feel.I seem unable to have a coherent thought where any of this is concerned.

I am worried I never did my best, and there were times I was tired and frustrated and honestly terrified.

I only ever wanted to protect my daughter and couldnt fix this.She has been cheated out of the life she planned

and I cant listen to the  "at leasts" . At least what???. She died, how can we find reason for it?. I cannot find anything to justify it 

or make it better. I cannot make it better for her siblings, her young family. I worry about them all constantly.And again I cant fix this for them. 

Thankyou for allowing some of this to be said.