Talk about deja vue - I am experiencing exactly the same Rachel. Diagnosed June 2014 left mastectomy with ax clearance in July followed by chemo then 25 rads. Had herceptin but finished that now and am on Tamoxifen, I felt I sailed through treatment,  strong and resilient and also a model patient! I am now back at work full time but I am experiencing exactly the same thoughts and feelings as you are - I feel like I've hit s brick wall xx

Hi Rachel

Your feelings are completely normal, you have given every bit of you to fight this disease over the past year and now you need to channel that energy back to enjoying normal life, which bit by bit will return. If it doesn't prevent you moving on or jeapordise your current job think about channelling some of that energy into suing your previous employer for the underhand treatment your received. Many solicitors provide a free half hour consultation for you to outline your case and will tell you whether it is worth persuing.   Kim

I was also like this after having cancer (ovarian and endometrial) - three things helped me through the 'blackness'.

1. Adopting a positive mental attitude, ie. I turn every 'negative' (thought or otherwise) into a 'positive', eg. NEGATIVE: Nobody helped me with my shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. when I was illl. POSITIVE: I was able to do my own shopping, cooking, cleaning, because I was strong and lucky enough to make a speedy recovery - some folk aren't so lucky.

2. I found myself a hero, ie. someone to aspire to; in my case, it was F1 racing driver Niki Lauda. After seeing what he went through (and got through) re his horrific car crash in 1976 (as seen in the 2013 film 'Rush'), I thought if Niki got through what he went throgh, then so can I. That man has been an absolute inspiration to me and continues to be.

3. Take up a new hobby and interest - I now follow Formula 1 (thanks to Niki) and have taken up karting at the grand age of 46 - and I love it. The buzz I get from bombing around on a race track trying to better my lap times (even if I am by myself) is incredible - you have to totally focus on what you're doing for fifteen minutes and can forget all about everything else that is going on in life. I am also studying for a Masters degree in creative writing; something I thought I wasn't academically capable of, but I have proved myself (and others) wrong.

I hope this is of help to you - the first year is always the worst, but it will get better - however, alot of it is down to you and you alone. If I can do it, then so can (and will) you. xxx

Hi Litton

The attitude you have is definitely why your getting on with your life so well. Your illustration of putting a positive spin on negative aspects of your life is particularly good. I think thats really good advice, to take up a new interest. I bought myself a really good air rifle and while away time target shooting, it is a totally absorbing hobby, time vanishes, and I forget all about day to day things whilst trying to better my score. I don't have any heros other than Shakleton the polar explorer, but those guys were in another league. Your post is an inspiration for all. Kim
 

Rachel,

Your experience isn't unusual. Give yourself time to adjust - maybe go on holiday and let your hair down away from your friends and family.I can recommend a beach in Goa which usually works for me :-) In IT we call it a system reboot - switch off, delete all the bad memories and start again with a new start.

Do whatever it takes to break out of the place you find yourself in. Give yourself permission to move on - you've been through a lot and need time to get over the trauma.

Good luck
Dave

PS I like Kimchosen's idea of suing the B**tards you used to work for.- don't get mad or depressed, get even!