Hello Iozzab

I am so sorry to read of your diagnosis.  No, you can't take in all what the doctors tell you at first.  Do you have family/friends, some-one who can go with you to your next appointment for moral support and who can possibly write down the answers to the questions you have?  I live alone and have no family ("friends" have deserted me since they've heard about my diagnosis, almost as if they fear contamination by association) so when I was diagnosed, I just went to pieces.  I came home by bus (I think, I can't remember the first few days at all).  I had abdominal surgery followed by chemo which I still didn't understand.  Because I didn't ask questions - what questions do you ask when you don't know what's going on - I was never told exactly what was happening to me, or why.  That is, until the day after my surgery and I was told to sit up and was "helped" by a member of the nursing staff raising the head of the bed.Oh boy, did that hurt, and when I told her she said that she was helping me to sit up and carried on.  That was the turning point for me.  I stopped being a mushroom (kept in the dark and fed manure), shouted at her to stop immediately (which she did) and told her that I would sit up when I could.  Without a  hint of sarcasm she said "you're in charge" and stood back and let me do it myself.  From then on I WAS in charge.  I now write down all the questions to which I want answers and quite often I am given booklets to read which I do before making any decisions now.  I have finished my 4th session of chemo and about to start a course of radiotherapy if my questions are answered.  

My hair broke off in places so I had little bald patches and, again because I had no-one to talk it through with, I went for the chop and ended up looking like a cross between a hedgehog and a nail-brush.  It didn't all come out and provided you can put up with the hair that does break off coming out quite a bit, then I, personally, wouldn't have it cut to within an inch of its life.  It will grow back of course as it doesn't come out, it breaks off leaving all our little follicles reading to start growing again once chemo is over and done with.

You will be normal again but not in the way you were before.  You'll be stronger and more determined not to let this uninvited gratecrasher run your life.  Yes, it has the upper hand at the moment and yes, you can't stop crying but don't try, you need to let it all out.  But there will come a time when, possibly without you even realising it, you will find that YOU are gradually getting stronger.  It won't be an easy road but you will make it.  We have all been through what you're going through now and those who say they haven't are, to my mind, porky pie tellers.

We are all here for each other on this site, Iozzab; you're not alone.  

When you feel up to it, let us know how things are going for you.

A massively, big, warm cuddle for you.

BB xx