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The love of my life has Pancriatic cancer

Tenbybabe
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My wonderful partner has been diagnosis with Pancriatic cancer he's been unwell for about  a year back and forth to the Drs they kept telling him his bad back was because of his weight he was 18 stone now he's just 13 he's doing ok bad days and good days his bloods are all over the place he's now only able to have the chemo mix every 2 weeks but it's doing its job sometimes he will jump over my head Iv got Chrons and ulcerated colitis so you can emagine what some days are like we look after each other the best we can unfortunately my love won't talk about what's happening to him but I need to talk I need to cry shout sometimes It's like walking on glass he can be so nasty I know he doesn't meen it he's not like it normally although he does like to be in control so I think that's why he won't talk about the Illness I try my best not to "bite" back and just keep myself busy doing "nothing"!!! I cannot emagine what he feels every day with this hanging over him all the time every hour of the day and night but I will and am always here for him for I will always hold him and be there for him thank you for reading take care xx

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    Dear Tenbybabe,

    I am so sorry to read of your partners diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, and that you and he are having problems talking about it. I was diagnosed with Eye cancer in June this year, and have now been told it has spread to my lung. Like you i need to talk about things, but my husband is burying his head in the sand, and behaving as normal. Having a diagnosis of cancer, means life is never normal again. It brings all sorts of feelings to the surface. My initial reaction was anger, as my eye cancer was picked up in October last year, and although it was referred as urgent, I did not get to see an oncologist until March this year, and then had to ask for a second opinion, as the intitial consultant was going to leave it for six months to see if it grew anymore. However now the anger has subsided, and i have had treatment for the eye, I have to be more positive. Part of this has been talking with a health psychologist from my oncology department. I am a retired psychologist so knew it was the way i needed to go. She is like my mmum, my sister, my priest my best friend all rolled into one. Maybe your partner would benefit from talking to someone who is not so involved as you, after all he is probably trying to not let you see how worried and scared he is, being strong for you. Like him i am usually pretty structured and in control of things but since being diagnosed, i am not in control of it, and that has been pretty scary. You are also able to have counselling if it would help you, but you will probably find that you will get a lot of support from people who are in the same boat. Most people who have cancer have partners, and you are all in the same boat. Maybe another thing that may help your partner is if he actually gets involved with a forum or even group that is linked to his form of cancer. Cancer is a word, not a very nice one, but it does not always mean a death sentence. Take each day as it comes, some good some bad, but know this there is always someone out there that can help not just him but you as well. You are not alone - neither of you. I do know how you are feeling as i lost my first husband to cancer 9 years ago, but if it was now he would probably had a better chance, things improve that quickly in this world.

    You take care and hopefully you and he will find the support you both need.

    Pixie

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    Hi Tenbybabe,

    Welcome to the forum though sad to see the reason for you joining us.  I am responding as I recognise the frustration that you are going through just now.  When my husband was diagnosed with cancer he too could not face talking about it and when my frustration boiled over we would 'have words'.  I am not proud of it and felt guilty as he was the sufferer and in a much worse position than me. I just wanted to be able to fully support him (sadly we knew from the start that his Mesothelioma would eventually take his life) and if I could not understand how he felt I did not know how to cope. This was when I joined the forum and could offload and release the tensions I felt without hurting him or 'rubbing him up the wrong way'.  He also gave permission for his medical team to talk to me direct so that I did not need him to talk to me about his cancer  journey unless he opened the discussion. His main reason for this was he could  not cope himself with the emotional side of his illness and wanted to be 'as normal as possible for as long as possible; .  To be fair he eventually tried a counsellor at the request of his palliative care consultant but one visit was all he managed; it was just too much for him to cope with on top of the illness, drugs, uncertain time line - actually the list is pretty endless. I took support from others around me both real and virtual on the forum and it was the  hardest time of our 37 years of marriage.

    When there is a diagnosis of cancer within a family everyone is affected by it and there are no right or wrong ways to react (as they say hindsight is a wonderful thing) but it is extremely important that you look after yourself as well as your husband (when he lets you) and if the forum is somewhere you feel able to chat then I found it the best place to be when times were hard and my husband was aware I had somewhere to 'let go'.  Only wish he could have found a similar outlet. Its nine months since the illness claimed his life and I am still drawing comfort from my forum buddies.

    I wish you both all the very best of luck during such difficult times. Jules

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