Hi Loulou,

Welcome to the forum. I wish I could offer you the advice you need, but all I can really offer is empathy as we're in similar Stage 4 boats.

You will somehow find a way to cope. I've found that taking it one day at a time really helps, keeping busy and physically active both help too.

That said, it is only natural that we grieve for the lives we could/should have lived and trying to ignore the facts of our situation isn't good for our mental health.

Try not to bottle everything up, you need an outlet for your anger, fear and frustration - even if that just means coming on here for the occasional rant but better if you have someone you can confide in. 

Good luck!
Dave

Hi Dave,

thank you so much for replying, I was beginning to think my near hysteria had frightened everybody off.  I am still reeling from the realisation of what is happening to me and my family.  I think its going to take me a while to come to terms with it.  

I know I need to talk about it, and the more I do so, the easier it will become.  Luckily I have a very supportive husband although he's also sick to the pit of his stomach.  But I know he will also be very practical.  

I guess ultimately, we learn to cope because we have no choice.  I am already inspired by the attitude and spirit of others on this forum so that is helpful too.

lou

Hi Lou ...... seems like you are having trouble sleeping again tonight? Join the club! Saw the quote you put up from Nadia, brilliant.

I am so sorry to hear about your present worries and hoping your fears are unfounded. Was the MRI today?  If you read my profile you will see that our stories are pretty similar. You will also see that i am still okay and breathing, so don't panic!   Am always here for a chat and, like my friend Dave, understand your fears completely x

Thanks max,

I didn't sleep weel again.  I am managing to eat but only little and when i feel like it.  Don't seem to be able to swallow a big meal (even after I've stood and cooked it for everybody else). 

My MRI is today, this afternoon.  And this morning I go in to restart my Herceptin which was suspended for several months because it seemed to have affected my heart.  So I'm off work all day.  I managed to hold it all together at work yesterday - mainly because I kept myself busy.  But once i'm on my own in the car or at home, I start to think about it and get upset again.  Then last night my son came in from a friend's house and I put on a brave face until he went to bed.

I'm cheered by people on here who say 'I'm still around' although i know every case is different. I think getting practical might help.  Need to do stuff like make a will, write instructions for the washing machine, find out how best to break the news to family (which I'm dreading).  I'm thinking of seeing the doctor for something to calm me down. It really helps to talk to people on here who get it. x

Hi lez,

You're so brave and upbeat about all this.  And I can see you've been through so much so i must sound really self-absorbed to be reacting like this.  But was there ever a time when you were feelling like I am now?  Is it just a question of time  - time get your head round what's happening?  Were you always a strong person, or does it make you so?  

I feel like I need to try some prayer or meditation to find the inner strength I need.  I don't want to waste my time worrying but I need to work out how to get out of the emotional state I'm currently in.  Your story helps with that.  I can see that others are facing up to all the same fears and worries and holding it together.  I hope i will get there.  Thanks for your advice. x

Good luck with the scan today - I think you will feel marginally better when you get the results and actually know what is going on.  Fingers x'd that it is nothing serious but if it is you will know what you are dealing with.  Please be assured that all you are feeling is perfectly normal but take each day at a time for now until you know what is happening, its really scary I know.

Put a hold on the practical stuff for a week or so - nothing is going to happen to you imminently.  I can remember feeling exactly the same way until my lovely oncologist had a talk with me.  He suggested that .............  I try to understand that my condition may not be curable but it was treatable and many people live for several years with a secondary diagnosis.  New drugs are coming onto the market all the time and who is to say that something to really suit you will not become available. There are also procedures and operations available that can remove secondary tumours and prolong prognosis.  He said to think always that I was living with cancer and not dying with cancer.

When he told me the above it really helped put a new slant on my thoughts.  I think it is a good idea (ill or not) to make a will and ensure others know how things work at home but that can be done when you feel a little straighter in your head.  After 3-1/2 yrs I only sorted all the paperwork out into one place yesterday lol!

I too have herceptin and hope your infusion today went ok. Remember, one day at a time, and get the MRI and results out of the way before you start thinking about the next steps of telling family and practical issues.  If you think it would help to see your GP about a 'calmer' and maybe some time off work - go for it!

Speak soon x

Hi Loulou, I am in the throes of a similar situation. 10 years out from breast cancer stage 3. Had a whistle when i breathed went to GP  who thankfully sent me for an xray.early august. They found a nodule on my lung. Since then it has been test after test. Th PET scan showed a hot spot on my spine. I had a bone biopsy last thursday still waiting for results. I am like you leaping from I will survive to sobbing. I have one son who lives with me he has Aspergers. Got divorced in 2008 so feel really alone at times.

I am a Nichiren Buddhist and find the chanting helps me as my poor old brain can't chant and worry at the same time.

I am hoping to get some results next week as to what sort of cancer this is in my lung and maybe in my spine.

I find the waiting and worrying to be the worst part. Once I know what it is I will deal with it. My Macmillan nurse and the consultant that just did my biopsy said "whatever it is its treatable." So I am going with that. I survived last time and I will survive this time.

I hope you scan today is good news. I am thinking of you.. XXX Nikki

Hi Nikki

I'm sorryto hear about your situation.  Good luck with your results. 

I spent nearly all day at hospital today.  Turned up at 11 but didn't get my Herceptin till half 12 cos it hadn't come up from the pharmacy.  Then I went round to the x-ray dept for my MRI scan and it turned out I was supposed to have accepted the appointment (I hadn't noticed that on the letter, and because I'd spoken to my oncologists secretary about sorting out the clash between the 2 appts which were both originally in the afternoon, I thought they already realised I was coming anyway).  Anyway they fitted me in at about quarter past 3, but I didn't get away again till about half 4.  I'm notoriously difficult to get a canula into so that caused a delay.  Now its the waiting game again - not sure when my appointment is set for, but I shan't be surprised if it is brought forward to discuss the results .  Not feeling too bad today, but I expect I'll get upset all over again when I get the news.  It felt strangely almost comforting to be at hospital today - kind of feels like a second home I haven't been to in ages!  Perhaps it was just that getting treatment and procedures makes you think that something positive is happening.  

Had another bad night's sleep and again haven't eaten much, but it's getting slightly better each day and night.  I am going to follow you and the people who've replied on here - I think it helps to have somebody else to think about.  Take care x

Hi Loulou,

I am sorry you had a bad day. I hope you sleep well tonight. I am up and down all night reading and chanting. 

I have the same canula problem as you. I have lymphodema in my right arm so no needles. After 4 or 5 attempts in my left arm theThursday before last, the consultant got on the floor and put the canula in my foot. The consultants were lovely for my biopsy the hospital here is a teaching hospital so I had a young consultant who was supervised. It was an easy process, like everything I have had done to me each procedure is nowhere near as bad as I expected.

You should get MRI results quite quickly. I am hoping I will get my biopsy results early next week.

Lets keep everything crossed :)

Sleep tight XXXX Nikki