Hi my name is Mira, I'm 14 years old and have three older siblings. My mum smoked since she was 13 and it made her very ill, tired, depressed but she couldn't stop, she had 60 a day at least aswell as drinking. Seeing as I was small I didn't notice, all I saw was my loving mother. When I turned 12 my mum was told she has stage 4 small cell lung cancer and had only 3 months to love. Fortunately the chemo she went through worked very well and she's still alive now (exactly 2 years after) but with chemo she lost a lot. Her relationship with me was tarnished and her whole personality (at least in my 12 year old perspective) had completely changed (into a ***). For the last two years my family has struggled with this cancer it has changed all our lives but my older siblings don't see it the same way as I. They are old enough to have moved out and have lives of their own. Before my mother got cancer I depended on her for everything, transport, food, advice, love and more. This relationship ended when ironically she quit smoking (not that there much hope in that saving her by this point). Recently she has declined in health dramatically and her lung cancer has spread to her brain and bones. She has maybe 6 months left of her life... Even then she won't have much sanity left in a couple months. Apparently (she has 3 brain tumours) it worst is yet to come. I may sound selfish through all of this maybe you think I'm thinking only of my self not of how my mums feeling or my dad or my siblings. All I see is how different my life could have been where I be and my personality. I ask the same question about after she dies. I know it's going to happen but does anybody else. I wonder if I will be depressed, bed stricken, crying and upset, or blank, denial, bored, over it or mourning. I can't predict my emotions. I feel blunt about it. This has been my teenage life I don't know much else any more. I don't know why I'm writing this on this forum, am I looking for advise? Am I just wanting to speak my mind completely? I know I will miss mum for the small things: having someone to tell secrets to, to tell gossip to her with no judgement, having someone who cares completely and just wants me to be happy... I miss this already. She is going through her third chemo treatment.  Her brain can't cope she forget a lot she can't hear really at all. I feel so alone sometimes. Do I want this to hurry and end with her death (what does that even mean?) or do I want this to prolong so I can "feel" like I haven't wasted my time with her?

I very much doubt anybody has bothered reading my deep thoughts but If you are going to comment, is this a normal response? Am I a selfish horrible person?

-Mira