I wanted to think of a title for this thread which could really express what I am going through, but I realised that at the moment, the main story I feel the need to share is my dad's, not mine.

Here it goes. The suspicion of malignant tumours first emerged in late January this year, when, during an endoscopy and colonoscopy, the MD found formations in his liver and lungs. Nobody told my dad what that meant, nobody gave him details, and he was told that he just needs more tests, otherwise he's fit as a fiddle. However, the doctor recommended a CT scan, which revealed that not only did my father have formations in the liver and lungs, but also in his bones, all of them of secondary character. My father continued to tell me and my mother that he was fine, that the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him. I am very curious by nature, so I looked for his results and read them. I have no medical knowledge and I found it difficult to understand what the diagnosis of the CT meant, so I googled. My world crumbled when I saw what the diagnosis said in common talk. I confronted him, crying and being semi-hysterical (obviously it wasn't the best way to deal with things). My father sent me off, got really annoyed and told me that he is handling the situation and I should basically just butt off. 

He eventually came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to back off and let me be part of the process of looking for an answer. He saw a lot of specialised doctors from February to May, even came with me to an oncologist I personally knew. I myself hunted all the doctors I could find, trying to get a second, third, tenth opinion on his situation. Everybody told us that the next step would be a biopsy, to find out the type of cells found in the formations. 

He refused the biopsy at the time it was recommended, late March, early April, and went on with an MD who said that he thinks it would be better to exhaust all possible imagistic examinations, including a PET CT scan, in an attempt to find the main cause, and leave the biopsy test as a last resort (or not do it all together). In my denial of the situation and in my desire not to agravate his nervousness, I said ok, we'll follow this track, and I stopped being pushy and agressive in my approach. 

My dad had a gastro-intestinal episode on May 26th, we took him to the hospital with an ambulance, he was in really bad shape, he was throwing up and was weakened to the extreme. I honestly didn't think he was going to make it through the night. At the hospital they treated him for the GI problem (apparently the tumour on the liver is so big, it's pressing on his stomach and it was preventing it from evacuating its contents properly). After a week in the hospital he was let out and now is at home. His general state is fine, he is in no pain, or at least isn't letting it show, nor does he admitt being in pain. He just says he's fine, a bit weak, but fine.

I have spoken to a dozen of oncologists, surgeons and any kind of doctor I could find. The next step now is obviously a biopsy. Initially the doctors said it would be best to do a liver biopsy, but, unfortunatelly, now that's out of the question due to a very severe cough he is having which may or may not be linked to his lung tumour (he also has grade D esophagitis, so it's hard to determine the cause). Everybody keeps telling us that it's kind of useless now, to try and do a biopsy, and even think about chemo. Everybody has sealed his fate as of February and we're fighting with huge walls of disbelief.

Hope arose in the form of a surgeon who spoke to an oncologist and who wants to devise a plan to extract some tissue from the lung (less invasive than the liver biopsy and more concludent than a bone biopsy) and then, based on the results, devise a treatment plan with the oncologist (or see if there is one).

I'm losing my mind, every day, bit by bit. I'm optimistic when I speak to him, I smile and try to be genuinely positive, but when I'm alone I get engulfed in this wave of negativity and sadness and resent and all I want is for him to be ok and not to suffer. I'm literally out of options in terms of sharing my feelings, I feel I can't even talk to people about day to day things, let alone talk about what' going on and more important, what my dad is going through. When I found this forum I immediately felt relief and a smidge of hope.

We still don't know the primary site of my dad's cancer, we have written out most of the common incipient sites, such as the prostate, GI tract, colon, small intestine, rectum, kidney, pancreas, you name it. But he has his appointment with the surgeon and the oncologist on Wednesday and I'm really hoping they will give my dad a chance and help him discover what he actually has and how or if we can treat it.

At home, I am trying to help him eat proper foods, help him be confortable, without making him feel helpless because, for good or worse, at the moment he is in good shape, on the outside. He can move freely, he can talk, he can read, he has a good appetite, he is weakened, but not tired (at least not constantly) and more important, he wants to fight, he wants to exhaust any form of medical exam or treatment, especially when considering the fact that everybody keeps saying there can be no diagnosis until we discover the primary site or cell types.

I'm hoping for the best in the given situation and I hope day by day I will discover new ways of coping and helping my dad cope with what he's feeling and going through...