Hi Gill

Thanks for crossing those fingers.  Mixed results at the docs.  All my blood tests came back normal including my cholesterol - well below guideline so very happy with that.  Then she took  my blood pressure which was rather high (even for me!) so now have to do home monitoring twice weekly for six weeks and take readings back for her to look over.  She asked if I could think of any reason behind the 'rise' and I told her waiting for the blood results was enough.  Anyway have to get a monitor (on order for collection tomorrow) otherwise its a 24hr monitor at hospital (think that was a threat for me to tow the line ha ha).

You did wonderfully well with your Mum and knowing that she was comfortable and being fully cared at the Care Home brought with it the relief and ability for you to cope day to day. My Mum (89 this month) is in a care home (last 2+ years) as she could not look after herself due to both physical and a mental disorder.  I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the dedication of the staff involved in her care and to know should the need arise she will  be 'kept company'.  My Dad passed away in a hospice (again a peaceful and kind environment) with a member of staff holding his hand, My Mum had gone home to get some sleep and I had visited the previous weekend but they say hearing is the last sense to go and he chose to listen to music).  You never forget these 'last' occasions but as time goes by you adjustand sometimes I feel my Dad's words in my head (more so since hubby's death) which I find a comfort.

Its early days in my 'moving forward' journey but hold on to the fact that I have a lot to be thankful for in the time we had together.  Nice to chat. Look after yourself. Jules x

Hello Jules, how are you?

Its good news to hear about your blood tests, one worry out of the way. I hope your monitor was alright for pick up today. I think I would have done the same. I think anyone's blood pressure would be up. I do wish you al the best with your monitor and keep my fingers, toes and legs crossed for you.

I really thought I was doing well recently as me and my partner have just bought our 1st house, with alot of saving and hard work to get together a good deposit.  But its just so hard some days knowing that the special people who saw all my hard work, saving and sacrifices that I made to get it together. The house needs alot of work doing to it and working every other weekend makes it hard BUT we have  house we can call our own.  I am so proud of myself for doing it. I really wanted to have mum dad and grandad round when we were ready but not now which makes me very sad and extremely angry that they were taken from me so early in my life. We have been together for 14 years now and I love him very dearly. I can only imagine what memories we will have like you have made. 

When I was out in the garden last week I could hear mum saying ' I wouldn't do it like that' she was a very keen gardener and was always out in the garden. We had quite a large garden where we all lived and out the back we had our own vegetable garden growing beans, potatoes, leeks, cabbages, peas, sweetcorn, sprouting broccoli, beetroot, currants (all 3 colours), strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, cherries, apples. .  You name it and I think we had it. It really was lovely and I used to spend quite alot of time out there with her, so I guess thats where I have got it from. I have a couple of raised beds in the back garden so hoping to get some things in there.

I miss her terribly when im out there as I know she would help me out and say have you thought of doing that? She was briliant at gardening and I really admired her at doing it especially at what we had to eat out of it.

I do struggle and feel really low today and hard to pick myself up. I don't know how to move myself on when I'm like this. Whatever I think it's always sad. I just want to smile like I used to.

I wish you all the best and hope everything goes well. I have to be at work at 6.30 so I suppose I had better see if I can get some shut eye but I'm not even tired, when I have evenings and nights like this I start to doubt what I did at the time and think could I have done more. 

Well goodnight and speak to you soon, thank you for listening to my rambles x x 

Gill x x x

HiGill

An early start for you this morning. Hope the sun was shining like it is here just now. We all have wobbles and to be honest think its perfectly normal to be thinking 'with hindsight I could have, would have, wish I had 'etc etc. You are doing so well in putting your story down here and sharing such difficult feelings. From an outsider's viewpoint (and having been told many times myself by those who know me) you 'did do everything possible at the time throughout your loved ones' lives. No one want's to lose those they love, who have nurtured them and helped them grow up and become who we now are.Your Mum helped make you the lovely person you have become, was able to see your happiness with your partner and you should be so proud of what you have both achieved with your new home. She may not be there in person but from the sounds  of your green fingers she is definitely within you and still 'guiding' you. 

I grew up in a flat and no garden experience at all so the garden border is mainly shrubs which look after themselves.  Hubby travelled abroad a lot on business so never took an interest in the garden (was not one to sit in it either) in those working years (though did grow a few veggies when the kiddies were little to show them how things grew). Maybe one day I will clear a space and 'try my hand'.  Have managed to keep some herbs alive ha ha.

I try to keep busy but its not always easy to be 'jolly' and no one expects me to be 'on form' all the time so accept my wobbles, battle through them, shed the tears of 'release' and then talk(in my head, not out loud) myself back into the now, knowing hubby would want my happiness.  I am trying to use a specific good memory (to use as my prop) when I am down in the dumps as its guaranteed to make me smile and when I get things wrong can imagine him laughing as he was a perfectionist (something that cancer changed in him!).

Hope today is a little easier for you Gill. I am leaving early for work today as going via the polling station (wont feel like it on the way home after 6hrs on my fee)t. As you can see you are not the only 'rambler' but they say its good to talk and that my excuse.  Be kind to yourself and chat soon. Jules x

Hi Jules, how are you? Hope you are doing ok and been enjoying the weekend weather. I on the other hand have been at work all weekend but have tomorrow off. I've not been feeling too bad over the weekend but today my feelings have hit me like a ton of bricks. Feeling so so low, people at work have noticed today, I try not to show it too much at work but my friends know. I'm really struggling today. I really hate feeling like this and would do anything to make the hurt go away. I'm sitting here writing this with tears in my eyes and just want it to go. 

On 'normal days' I look back and think how far I've come im proud but days like this I just want to sit and cry and curl up. Its so horrible not having mum just to chat to as she would always be at home when I got in from work before seeing my partner. 

So much is happening at the moment I don't know what im doing, I have been home a few hours, radio on but haven't actually done anything as I can't. Have you felt like this? Its so overwhelming I dont know how to feel.

Its sunny here which normally perks me up abit but not today. Ive just had a bowl of rice pudding (which is my absolute favourite) but nothing. Im just about to put my grease cd on and have a good sing.

Thanks again for listening to me x x I feel I can say anything and feel comfortable in whatever I say without thinking its wrong. 

I hope your doing alright,  with love and best wishes.

Gill x x 

Hi Gill

I have had many wobbly days but let them happen. Its the only way I can cope,  Hubby's three year journey with cancer meant I spent a lot of time 'being strong' and now that I have lost him, I think all sorts of emotions are playing a part in my grieving process, all of which I consider to be normal.  If I feel shaky on a work day I go in earlier than my start time and my face usually gives me away. It only takes the girls to say ' are you ok' on those days and they have a tearful Jules to deal with. Group hug and quick chat through what I have find upsetting usually sees me straight and when the shop is open, I put my mind to work. A knock on affect of this is that I 'see people differently' than I used to and if faced with miserable or angry customers, I think perhaps they are going through a bad patch and try to be more understanding these days.

Bottling my feelings up just means putting off the inevitable melt down.  There are less days like this now but sadness sweeps through at different times (still do not sleep well but seem to manage anyway).  I have a good support network (family, children, grandchildren and some great friends) but still find it somewhat easier to share on the forum and have made some great buddies here - the understanding we all receive is amazing and very much appreciated.

If I get times when I do not feel like doing much then I potter. Other times I get angry with myself as there are so many worse off than me and then I 'clean for England'. Of course, I am living on my own so can literally please myself what and when I do things but know  my hubby would not like me moping so try and think of a good memory to make me smile, tell myself off for wallowing (though am entitled to feel sad after such a long marriage and losing my best friend ).  There are times when you go to talk and then realise no one is listening and that can be hard.

Having said all of that I am going out socially with friends for meals and day to day life is pretty normal inbetween the 'moments'. I went out for the day on a coach trip with a friend from work on Saturday and with better weather will spend more time in the garden (love to read outside).  I am endeavouring to grow some of my hubby's favourite flowers this year and hope he would approve.

Nothing you have said would appear at all wrong to anyone going through grief so I am glad you feel you can share your feelings here.  Love Grease so hope you enjoy your sing song (come to that love rice as well!!). I am just off into the kitchen to put together a stir fry for dinner.  I do not work tomorrow so will be hoping for dry weather and a spell of tidying outside. (Have family coming on Saturday (plus sister in law who has not been since the week of the funeral (they moved away just before hubby's death)) so would like it looking decent (silly really; they come to see me and would not notice anyway but it makes me feel better.

Hope you feel a little better soon but happy to chat when you need to.  Sending virtual hugs (get your partner to give you a real one). Take care Jules x

Hello Jules.

How are you? Hope you are doing alright and had a lovely weekend with all your family. I really miss all of that. It stayed nice on tuesday so I hope you did well in the garden. 

I'm sory ive not posted this week to you, I feel bad because you have been so lovely and said some very comforting things, I have been realy struggling quite bad this week and to make matters worse I saw my brother walking along the road yesterday, I haven't seen him in just under a year as it was near our birthdays which is next month. It really upset me to see him, I felt angry and sick seeing him. I took a present and card round for him for his birthday last year (we are a day and two years apart) so you wouldn't think he could forget but I got nothing back not even a card. That really hurt me. I don't know how people can be like that after all I have done for him. 

I can't seem to get mum off my mind this week, it was also my partners mums birthday last week that hasn't helped. They don't normaly affect me too much as I have almost got to grips with coping with that and have just got on with it for my partner as he wants to enjoy the day with her.

I'm angry with myself as we have our new house and I can't seem to be happy. I feel very numb and unable to move on, we are doing various things in the house and trying to make it our own but I can't.  What is wrong with me, this should be the happiest time of my life especially after saving for so long.

It sounds like you are having a lovely time going out with all your friends and enjoying your family. I to enjoy meeting up with friends, I have got planned in 2 weeks time an afternoon with one of our ex department managers from work, he is retired now but I have kept in touch with him and meet up every 3 months if we can. He is more like a father figure to me so im really looking forward to that.

I saw one of mum's friends today at work and she asked how I was, I just stood there and sobbed my heart out, I haven't been like that at work for a while, I just felt like I shouldn't be like that and that I should get on with my own life. None of them would want me moping around and with what you said I try to keep my chin up.

I just don't know what to do with myself. Thanks again for listening to me rambling x x x x

Take care of yourself x love Gill

Yep another late one for me but can't sleep x x

Hi Gill

Its so hard when we are struggling with our feelings and do not know which way to turn. Sometimes I feel the emotions when least expecting it (usually when I cannot control a particular situation and would love to talk it through and not understanding other people's reactions to my hubby's death (in laws) then makes me feel angry 'for him'.  Grief takes many turns and whilst sometimes easy to show the brave face outwardly, inwardly its harder. Yes, I enjoyed having family here last Saturday but for all of us it is bittersweet knowing that my hubby would have loved it too. My six year old grandson just summed it up in three words 'I miss Grandad' and we all echoed his words. Next minute he as outside in the garden and playing  and that 'moment' was past.

It must have been really hard for you to see and not be able to run to your brother for comfort. Family differences hit hard and act as a reminder to difficult times and who knows how he is dealing with the loss of your Mum. (My Mum and her sister spent 20 odd years not talking and it was my Dad who acted as go between when My Mum had one of her mental breakdowns that finally got them back in touch, albeit by phone most of the time and it'sme know who rings to keep the connection going, Mum having lost interest in everybody, her bi polar illness being to blame again).

I wish I could offer some wise words to see you through the black clouds of grief for , as you say,  you would much rather be enjoying the new home/life you have with your partner which should be so exciting.

Some people find it easier writing their feelings down as if they were talking to their lost loved one and I have a friend who lost his wife who goes and talks at her place of rest because it brings him comfort (despite the fact that he has found a new companion).  Remember you are who you are because of your parents, your Mum is part of you and the memories you have can be taken where ever you go and she would be wonderfully proud of your achievements.  It hurts that she cannot be by your side (I know that pain when I go places, see people that I used to do with hubby) but she guided you in life so that you can take those thoughts forward.  Grief takes the time it takes but sometimes we need extra help and it may be that going to your GP and explaining how you feel he/she can offer some help for you.  I am still 'being kept an eye on' by my GP and welcome her imput.   You are right that your Mum would be upset to know that you are hurting but emotion is a way of release and I hope that in time and with support you can enjoy the wonderful life she has given you. The day at a time rule works (at the moment) for me but its not without hiccups along the way and I still find myself using many 'props' including the forum to gain understanding of my feelings.

No need to apologise for  not being on the forum; that's the way it works for many of us but post when you need to and more importantly to not be hard on yourself for having loved and for missing being loved in return.  If you have been lucky enough to have felt a Mother's love  you have been blessed with that memory to keep and cherish.  Take care Gill , best wishes  for a better day. Jules x

Hello Jules,

How are you? How have you been? I hope everything has been ok with the doctors with you. Im sorry for not being on here for a while, its the eve of my birthday (my brothers today)

Woops! 

And not looking forward to the day. I have all my cards and presents from my friends at work and a lovely cake one of the ladies very kindly made me. I really do have some very special freinds who im sure wil help me through the day. Im working tomorrow 8-6 then I have booked saturday off as a days holiday then me and Jim have got the week off together, which will be lovely. Birthdays just don't seem the same anymore, he has a lovely family and I feel blessed that I have got another family. I just can't get to sleep tonight, ive had the day off and done alot today, ive managed two lots of washing and then some weeding and I picked my 1st 3 strawberries and 5 raspberries ! Not a very big fruit salad but its a start. I would have had 4 strawberries if the blackbird hadn't have got there first. Grrrr!

We had a flower market in may and in my lunch hour at work I went into town and bought some crazy daisies, hostas, pinks, carnations (which was mums favourites,  dad used to get them from holland when he travelled on the boat harwich-hook of holland) so I planted them out today and mum was very much in my thoughts. I could hear her watching behind me tutting to herself saying your doing that wrong, you shouldn't be doing it like that!! She had her way to do things at home and thats the way it had to be done. I also found a plant which was my favourite - lambs ears, it has such furry soft leaves which takes me right back to when I was little sitting on the sofa with dad and stroking his ear lobes, they were so soft and fluffy and to go next to that is a fuschia Jane, after mum. They will both get looked after very well.

I hate not having a card vrom them all for my bifthday, there is always such an empty space on the table even if I spread them all out. It hurts so much, but I guess it just takes time.

After what you have said im thinking about going to the doctors and talking to them.

I really hope you are doing alright and your health is doing better with no problems.

I have missed chatting to you but it is my fault as my computer has been in the computer hospital but have now managed to get my tablet up and running.

Please take care of yourself and I look forward to speaking to you soon. Thank you for helping me x x x 

Lots of love Gill x x x