Thank you for replying, Brian. I think I've been handling things okay so far but these last two days I've started to feel anxious and a bit overwhelmed. Also, I'm feeling guilty as we moved last year from being fairly close by to being an hour away. An hour to us isn't much, but I'm sure to my parents it's now hard that we can't just pop over and my dad isn't up to the journey anymore, even though that's a very recent thing. They love our new place and agree that it's much better for our kids. I've been to them twice a week (at least) every week since we found out he was terminal and I have to admit that I'm glad that I've moved as it gives me a fresh place to be when I'm not there. I think being a bit separate helps me to be strong, I think if I still lived round the corner I'd be so immersed in their lives I could become depressed and I can't let that happen as I've got my kids to look after. Also, my mum in particluar loves my new house and garden so I'm hoping that she will have hope for the future, knowing that she can be with us as much as she likes in a place that she likes. Is it weird that I think I'll be okay when he goes? That in itself makes me feel guilty - how can I watch the telly and laugh at things when my dad is going to die soon, but I do? It breaks my heart to think of telling my kids but I have to put things into perspective for myself and realise that this is the order of things and this, although sad and I wish he could be here for another decade or two, is natural and normal and there are people who have to endure far harder situations than this. Or am I in denial about the whole damn thing!!??

Hi New Girl,  No I don't think you're in denial.  Looking in from the outside it seems to me that the important things like having time with your Dad twice a week and being there for your Mum and Children are vitally helpful.  Being able to keep your distance at other time keeps you strong and able to think things through.  You are saving your Dad any burden of guilt - he has enough on his plate.  Keep up the good work.

Posting your experiences is also helping others -  I'm sure there are people who need to read that your Dad had 15 years of wellness because of treatment during which time many treasured memories are made.  Hold on tight!  Gardenlady.

Hey Gardenlady, thank you so much for replying to my post. I hadn't thought of it like that before, so you've really helped - especially by saying that my experiences might help others with a new diagnosis. My dad did change after his initial diagnosis, he seemed to age overnight (he was only late 50s) and some of the hormonal changes (due to medication) in him were difficult for us to manage, but by and large I feel pretty unscathed by the last decade or so, which should definitely give hope to others. The nerves and anxiety always ramped up in the days prior to scans and blood tests etc but for so many years the results were okay, and for that I'm grateful. It can be helpful to remember that in some cancers, the initial diagnosis doesn't always mean an immediate end to all that's normal - things just become a new kind of normal and we adjust to whatever life throws at us next - if we can, of course, because it isn't easy.