Hello Kathryn39, 

Welcome to Cancer Chat and I'm sorry that it is in such sad circumstances. 

I know that many of our members here will be able to empathise with the journey that you and Mum went through and understand how you are feeling now that she is gone. 

You don't mention if you have had any counselling since Mum died and I wonder if talking with a counsellor might be helpful in working through this part of your grief. We have some information on our Cancer Help pages about organisations that might be able to help here but it might also be work checking with the hospice as very often they will have connections to bereavement support teams that can offer support. 

Thinking of you at this difficult time. 

Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator

Hello Kathryn,  I'm so sorry that you have lost your wonderful Mum.The mother/daughter relationship is very special and our parents leave a void that nobody can fill so it takes a long, long time to come to terms with our loss.  I speak from experience having lost my Mum and Dad to this evil disease in 2013.  I can relate to some of your feelings as reading your thread I remembered only too well just how I felt.

I lost my Dad first and then my Mum 5 months later; at the time I felt like I came to some sort of terms with losing Dad but when I lost Mum my entire world fell apart. Looking back on it maybe it was a compounded effect or maybe just the mother/daughter relationship, I will never know.  But what I wanted to say is that my heart goes out to you; it is hard enough coming to terms with such a loss but dealing with all the paperwork etc is another challenge by itself.  I dealt with all the legalities and like you had planned to rennovate and keep the house, (although I ended up changing my mind half-way through and sold), but I know how painful it is to have to do all of these things.

I know you feel like you will never feel any better, all I can say is that although it still hurts time does ease the pain a bit. Like you I couldn't stop crying all the time, every memory good or not made me cry as did every occasion - vividly remember walking around the shops coming up to mother's day last year crying my eyes out. You have to go through all the emotions, if you have loved somebody so deeply you grieve deeply too. As time moves on people stop asking you how you are, sometimes because they don't know what to say and I remember watching the world carry on some months later and wanting to scream, "I'm still hurting".  Most people do still care, of course you will always get some who think enough time has passed that you should be "back to normal", but they are usually people who haven't experienced loss themselves.  Life doesn't "get back to normal" after signficant loss, you have to adjust to a "new normal" and that takes time.  It is such early days for you, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve for as long as it takes.  The healing process is different for all of us.  Thinking of you and let me know how you are.  Hope x

Hi Kathryn,

I am pleased the lovely Hope has responded to you for she knows all to well what it is like to lose a loved one.

I also lost my mother to cancer nine years ago. she had breast cancer which spread to her brain and to see my mother who was also such an active and healthy woman slowly fade away was to hard to see. I am a fair bit further down the road than Hope and yourself but I can tell you the pain does leesen in time. I think it's mainly because we gradually adjust to a life that will never be quite the same again. That doesnt mean we forget our mothers by any means and sometimes the pain gets worse bofore it gets better. But I will pas on to you one tips that helped me cope. When I felt my emotions getting the better of me, I dredged up old memoeries of happy times and there were plenty of them and I found this helped me cope. As Hope has said, the healing/grieving process is differnt for all of us and some people who have never lost someone think we should get over our loss quickly but this is often not the case. Even now, I still miss my mother and her words of wisdom, Often I will hear one of the songs she liked or see her favorite flowers and these can catch me unawares and often make me quite emotional.

But as some has said on this great forum, we should consider ourselves very fortunate that we had such great mothers who gave us so much love and have helped shape who we have become. I like to think, a part of my mother lives on inside of me for I find myself using some of her sayings, which I was not aware that I did before her passing.

Take care, sending kind thoughts your way, Brian.

Dear Kathryn,

I saw your post on here and on another thread. I just wanted to say I am so, so sorry for your lost. It is a truely awful thing to have to go through.

Like Hope has said, it is still early days for you and I totally understand what you are going through. I lost my dad 7 months ago. It is so, so hard and the journey is such a rollercoaster and I remember feeling very much like that after the first couple of months. I think we just get through the first bit, funeral arrangements etc being distracted and having to keep busy and then after the numb and shock we start to realise the enormity of what we have been through. Having to deal with paperwork etc and the house must be really tough on your own. I too remember people stopped aksing how I was about then, some do just maybe expect you to pick yourself up but maybe also find it hard asking.

7 months on I have slowly started to find a 'new/different normal' even though I thought like you that I never would be able to feel any different. I still have bad days and my dad is never, ever far from my thoughts in everything that I do but I am able to look back on memories in a more happier way now and I often find myself thinking about what dad might have said about something I have done. It does get easier, bit by bit it does. A massive part of our lives have changed but remember your mum made you the person you are, she will always be with you.

You are having to jugge lots of different things by yourself and feeling poorly will also not be helping. As Jenn said maybe seeking some help might also give you some support. I know that you don't want to bother your friends but that is what they are there for, let them know how you are feeling. I think my friends found it very hard to know what to say and do.

It sounds like you have done an amazing job so far, your mums funeral sounded so personal and a perfect send off, your mum would have been so proud.

Remember that you are not alone, keep in touch. Thinking about you lots

Emma xxx

 my husban has mantal cell he was told 3 rd of may had treatments but nothing has worked so far now on irutinib he is now in hospital with an infection dont know where to turn