Hi All, 

I'm new, and feeling totally lost tonight. My dear mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 2 years ago, and has fought long and hard.  In October of this year, she was also diagnosed with a fistula, which in her own words, has caused her much more distress and upset and pain than the cancer itself had up to that point. 

She deteriorated fairly rapidly between then and December, and to cut a long story short, we called an ambulance for her on the evening of 12th December. She spent a week in hospital, but was then moved to a nearby hospice, where she has since remained all through Christmas, and is still there.  I cannot see that she will ever come home, the deterioration seems to be by the day now, the past two days I have struggled to hold it together. I just cant bear to see her like, disorientated, confused. I know it is the medication, and of course I would rather her be pain-free, but I miss her so much. I know she is still here, but I feel I've lost her already. The doctor at the hospice said today that it was impossible to tell whether she had weeks or days left, but that she was showing signs of end of life. 

To top it off, my dad also has advanced cancer of the oesophagus, which has spread to his lungs and bones, and I know that in a few months possibly, I will have to experience it all again. I feel so helpless. 

I am trying to hold it all together for the sake of my 5 year old, and because 'being normal' for a little while, helps me get through, but then something will trigger the tears, and I cant stop, and dont know what to do.  

x