Hi Liz,

I know this post is from a few years ago, but I'm writing because I'm in the exact situation you've described. My mum was diagnosed with stomach and oesophageal cancer (stage 3) in August. She had chemo and surgery but the cancer has returned and spread to her liver.We've been told she has less than a year to live.

Unfortunately my mum lives alone. She is single and both of my brother's have moved out. I am in final year of university so also away from home. I'm finding it so hard to juggle everything, especially knowing she's alone.

I'm so sorry to read about your struggles, I empathise entirely. Would love to hear from you or anyone else who's had a similar experience. Some advice would be much appreciated!

All the best x

Hi Ellie,

A very warm welcome to our community, although I'm sorry for the reason that you're here. This must be very difficult for all the family, but I expect particularly for you being the only daughter. This is never an easy situation to deal with, even if you were at home all the time.

How is your mum's general health at present? Can she feed herself and, take care of her personal needs? The chances are that there will come a time when she cannot do this. Have you looked at the possibility of getting carers in to take care of her? This way you would know that she was being looked after regularly.

We lost my mother-in-law last year after she had been bed bound for a few years. My 97 year old father-in-law looked after her, until it all got too much for him. At that stage, we contacted a social worker, who was really fantastic. We saw her on a Friday and, by the Monday, she had a hospital bed delivered and carers coming in 4 times a day. She also arranged for a home visit from their GP and a visit from a dietician. This allowed us to keep her at home to the very end, as she wanted.

How often do you manage to get home and, do your brothers live far away? My mum lived in another country and, as the only daughter in my family too, I did my best to get across to see her most weekends. It wasn't easy with a husband and two young children, plus a full-time job. I took a couple of weeks off to be with her at the end and, to arrange the funeral, but I would love to have been with her more.

I hope that you can arrange similar cover for your mum, as I'm sure that this would give you more peace of mind. It would also meant that you could spend more quality time with her when you do see her.

Do please let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hey everyone, I'm looking for some support.

I'm about to turn 30 and I have a 7 and a 4 year old, 4 years ago my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer (this runs in the family, and I can opt to have preventative surgery) but she went through her chemo and radiotherapy and got the all clear, through all this though, shes had NG feeding tubes and dietician support due to very low body weight, she also has fibromyalgia and osteoperosis. She is only 52.

Three weeks ago she started coughing up blood and got a bronchoscopy and a CT scan, she has a completely collapsed lung, and they are pretty sure its due to lung cancer. She is awaiting a staging CT scan, however she was told that theres a chance there are lesions in her liver and adrenal glands also. So, good old research tells me that the outlook is VERY bleak.

As she waits for this scan I have literally not seen her, she stays in bed all the time, and I see her every single day in life.

I am crying ALL the time, I'm having to go to the bathroom so my boys dont see me upset. They both dote on their granny. The thought of her not seeing my youngest starting school breaks my heart, we are a big Christmassy family and the thought that she may not be here at Christmas crushes me more than you could imagine.

She is my best friend in the world and I genuinely dont think I could cope without her. I text her or phone her almost constantly all day long and always have done.

I'm scared my family isnt close if she dies, she is the glue for us all and the referee between me and my dad as we are too alike. I fell that if I lose my mum, I'll also lose my dad.

I feel like she is avoiding me, and I just want to be with her 24/7 just now but that isnt possible as the kids are typical boys, and far too lively.

I think I will need to get a line for work too because I work at a GP surgery - ironically the one my family are registered at - and dealing with the doctors and the staff that would be caring for her as she gets worse isnt comforting, being here and dealing with health related things, people with similar circumstances etc, its not letting me take my mind off it, and if anything it is increasing my anxiety levels.

I know I wouldnt ever act upon anything but I keep getting really dark thoughts, I truly dont think I could manage without her. Physically she hasnt been able to do anything with me for a long time, she is too sore, but emotionally she is my rock, my diary, my advisor. Im a single parent so I dont really have many people to talk to about this.

I've started resenting my gran lately as she keeps talking about it, about how my mum is so ill, she not fit for this and that, and I know it sounds awful but I dont want to hear it. I dont talk about my problems, I keep it all bottled up and dont show emotion, and her going on at me eats me up

Hi Mand,

A very warm welcome to our community. I am so sorry to hear about the position you find yourself in. I was about the same age as you when we got a terminal diagnosis for my mum, who also had breast cancer. She developed metastases in her liver, lungs, brain and bone. Things became heartbreaking and moved very fast after that. I had 2 children at the time too and was self-employed. My mum was 50 at the time she had this diagnosis.

Sadly breast cancer also runs in my family. I have had 2 bouts in the past 9 years. I started off with a lumpectomy, followed by Tamoxifen. A year later, I had a double mastectomy followed by Letrozole for 6 years. I stopped taking this in July 2017.

I hope that your mum gets her staging CT soon. Somehow or other it is easier to deal with the reality, no matter how bad it is, than to worry about the unknown. It sounds as if you are trying to cope with too much all at once. Try to take each day as it comes. You cannot cope with how things are going to be after your mum passes. Time to do that after this happens.

It is difficult for young children to understand the concept of death, but you are better to give them some explanation. They are still very young, so may just need a simple explation. Children are very resiliant and will cope with all that is happening, although they may surprise you with some of their more searching questions.

It is always difficult when you lose the matriarch of the family. You say that she is the 'glue' of the family and keeps the family together. Once she passes, this is a responsibility that will fall upon your shoulders. Your dad and your gran will need your support. Do you have any siblings or are you an only child?

I am not a doctor but the outlook does look bleak from the symptoms you've described. Still you cannot be sure until you get the results of her CT scan.

It is difficult when she is too ill to be able to do much, but you will help her just by being there to support her through this. Talk to her and don't leave anything out. I don't believe that she is avoiding you. She is possibly exhausted and needs a lot of sleep. She will become tireder as her cancer advances and you, can only be there for her during her waking hours. Look after her needs and ensure that her medication controls her pain.

Is your dad caring for her on his own, or do you have any carers coming in to share the load? If he is dealing with her care on his own, this is too much for one person. He will need help. It must be difficult for you when your gran starts talking about how incapacitated your mum is, but remember that she is hurting too. Put yourself in her position. It may be sad to lose your mum, but it is even more tragic to lose your daughter. The former is the natural progression of life, but the latter is a mother's worst nightmare. I am by no means trivialising your position, but try to imagine how you would feel if you knew that one of your children was dying.

Being a single parent must make this all the more difficult for you. You will manage without your mum. You will do it for your children. I have had to do this and, it is never easy. Since my mum died I have kept a photo of her and, I often find myself talking to her. Many of us here do this. I have also tried to live my life as she would have wanted me to do. There are several family achievements and celebrations that she has not been here for in person, but I always feel her presence with us and know how proud she would have been.

It is not good for you to keep everything bottled up. Do you have any friends or relatives who you can talk openly to? You really need to be able to talk to someone. If you don't have anyone, there are counsellors who can help. I am sure that your mum's care team or GP should be able to advise you.

It must be very awkward to work in your mum's GP practice when she is so ill and, difficult to cope with patients who are going through similar hardships.

I wish that there was something I could do to ease things for you. Unfortunately there isn't, but I am always here for you, as are many others, whether you want information, advice or just a good moan.

Do please stay in touch and let us know how your mum gets on with her CT scan.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hello 

I haven’t posted on here before but I did a google search for help and the start of this post sounds exactly like my situation. 

I am 36, nearly two years ago my mum was diagnosed with a rare cancer called perintoneal which affects all the tissue lining the organs. She underwent chemo, debulking surgery, hysterectomy and was doing fairly well. In February she got the all clear, only  two months later it had come back and is terminal. 

She’s been so unwell with chemo and is now so frail that she can no longer have treatment and has been given months. She can manage only the smallest amount of food and has lost five stone in a few months.

I’m absolutely heartbroken as I’ve lost my nan (my mums mum) my auntie and cousin who was only 36 to cancer. I can’t believe that we are going through this again with my mum she’s such a strong woman and to see her so weak is breaking me.  I know exactly what’s coming as I’ve been through it so many times and that’s what hurts most.

My mum has been so brave and positive but it’s finally broken her and now she sobs telling me that she wants it to end and would rather be gone now. 

Im the only daughter and have a young daughter myself, I’ve only been off work for one week and already feel bad about not being there, as I feel I’m letting everyone down. 

My step dad has given up work to look after my mum but I feel I should be supporting more. I thought about working just half days but then feel guilty for even thinking this. My mum has been asking me this week why I’m not in work but I haven’t been coping well mentally since we had the news on Monday.

People say I need to make memories with my mum but she’s so weak she can hardly manage anything and when I’m at home with her I feel so helpless I don’t know what to do. 

I just wanted to write this to share how I am feeling x

Hi Pearl,

Welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry to hear of the sad position that you find yourself in. Please see my reply to Mand above as much of this will apply to you too. Knowing exactly what is coming can often make things harder for you, but each case is individual.It is normal for someone to eat and drink less and sleep more as the end approaches.

It is always a good idea to try and make memories with a loved one in this situation, but it sounds as if your mum's condition may already too advanced to do this by visiting people and places. You can still be there for her, talk to her. If there are any unanswered questions ask them now before it's too late. You can also read to her and help with some of her personal care.

This prognosis is all new to you and, it does take some time for you to take it all in. Instead of worrying about how you'll cope when she is gone, try to concentrate on  being there for her and caring for her in every way that you can.. Don't look too far into the future, but take each day as it comes.Trying to cope with the bigger picture is just too much at  this stage.

You may find that you are better going to work just now, as this will give you something else to focus on.

It is a hard road that you are on, but one which we all have to travel. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the strength to see this through. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

HI Elizabeth,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this too.

Experiencing cancer at any time is difficult, as it is such a cruel disease. Coping with it for the first time is even harder, because you don't know what to expect.

What a lovely idea for your parents to renew their wedding vows at your brother's wedding. I do hope that they make it. You are right, no matter how much support your dad receives, he is bound to be lost, but all you can do is to be there for him as well as your mum. Encourage him to speak about how he is feeling, rather than letting him bottle things up and, give him as much help and support as you can.

Are you aware that you can get carers in to help with your mum's personal care? This can take a lot of pressure off you and your dad and, leave you both with more quality time to spend with your mum, instead od spending it on the more mundane things.

Please let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

I wish you the strength to see this through.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi.My name is Kristen I am a 14 year old girl who  lives in the UK.My mam was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2917(I think)

I went through a crazy journey because best friend was always telling me about how much she had to do in the house.I know it's a bit strange but I was jealous of that don't ask my why.But I made up my mind that I was going to help around the house.I learnt how to cook,clean and look after my tow littel sisters.

I think I pushed my self to much because I went through in my mind a depression thace and I liked being in school more than my own home.But she was cured not long after Christmas that year.

I thought my life was going well again but not long after my grandad past away and my family told me that he had a bad stomach and past.

But I think it was around a year later and we had all decided that we where all going to do the mud run for cancer.We managed to race £150 that I was happy with.But anyway we took a holiday to Spain(me,my sister,my dad,step mam and brother) and we where talking about who we where going to put on our black for who we are sponsoring and my dad said why don't you put grandad...I was devastated my grandad was one of my best friend and meant the whole world to me so I wanted to make him proud and run for him and I did.

And I was free for cancer for a long time I was always worried that It would happen again....And with my luck it did my the school holidays this year(2019)my mam and stepdad told me that she had cancer again but this time it was in her liver and wind pipe I was really scared because It was the same as my grandad but I thought I cant let my self ger as sad as i did last time.You know all as well until we where called down stars and my mam was crying and my stepdad rocky was tropotised.

My stepdad rocky his my hero and I cant imagine my life with out him he is my rock and is always teaching me life lesson so I ended up a good person 

But they told me that my mam was dieing she had around a year left to live I went into shock I didn't know that to say I didn't speak for a long time I was in disbelief my poor mam she is so amazing and didn't deserve this.

Today-16.10.2019 

About two hours ago my stepdad said a year ist long and my mam had gotten worse I could see that but she didn't have a year now she had a couple of days to a week.

I am writing this because I find it hard to told to people that I love about that I'm feeling so this is a good way to help me and if there is someone i can help with this so yeah.

Hi Kristen,

I am so sorry your going through this awful disease my mum is to going through it but she has pancreatic cancer and was told a week ago it was terminal she could only have 3-6 months and it kills me im going to lose my best friend, im 32 and still need my mum, like me you sound like you have a good supportive family,  my mum was first diagnosed last August she had a 12 hour operation to remove the tumour from her pancreas followed by 6 months chemo that finshed this may and got the all clear, almost straight away she started getting pain the doctors said it was something else fast forward to Wednesday last week when she was told, one minute im crying then im angry and throwing something at the wall(made me feel better) its a really *** situation were in and theres just nothing anyone can say, all i can say is to spend as much time with your mum as possible and tell her you love her everyday. Try and stay stong for her i no its it's easier said than done, my mum doesnt want people knowing so ive come on here to talk to poeple.

Your a very strong girl at 14 to come on here.

Sending love and hugs and message any time and I'll reply asap.

Elizabeth ️