Hi again,

Just wanted to say that I agree with everything that Jules has said about trying to get as much practical help as you can, but I wanted to reply to your comment "is it bad that you don't even want to spend time with your Dad?", I want to reassure you that your feelings are normal, as I in fact felt very similar.  It isn't that you don't want to spend time with him, it is because you love him so much you can't face up to seeing him ill.  I did spend time with my Mum everyday when she was ill, but because I had my own family I had to come home too and if I'm honest at times I would dread going back.  I realise now that it was because I was terrified to see her deteriorating and I'm sure it is the same reasons for you.  I don't know what to advise you in the short term except take each day/hour at a time.  We are all different and cope in different ways; I tried to carry on as "normal" as I could, although of course it wasn't really normal and it was just a case of going through the motions; but doing some normal things helped keep my sanity.  Cancer affects not only the patient but everybody that loves them and it is important that you look after yourself too.  Remember you are doing your best and that is all your Dad would want you to do.  I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain, but please know that you don't have to feel completely alone as this site is a wonderful place to get support.  Take care.  Hope x

Hi R_L.

In January my Dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer, then they found out it had spread too far and was inoperable. I know it sounds like a cliche, but the only way I have coped is to take it one day at a time and to carry on as "normal" as possible. I didn't want to fall apart in front of my Dad, so when I'm around him I put on a brave face, even though deep down I am crying my eyes out. People who haven't seen Dad for years have come crawling out the woodwork and it drives me (and him) crazy because they treat him so much differently because he is ill. I always try and be the same with him. Sometimes I guess you could say for me the cancer becomes the big elephant in the room, but that's just what I've found works best for me.

Everybody reacts and processes things differently, it's not that you aren't reacting right or you're feeling the wrong thing. There isn't a right or wrong way to feel or react. When I got told that Dad's cancer wasn't operable, and all they could do was try to push it back, I went food shopping! I just wanted to carry on as normal as possible for as long as I could, I knew when I got home and couldn't keep myself busy or distracted I would break down, so I went and did the food shopping. I didn't want to go see my Dad, because I didn't want to start crying in front of him, but I knew I had. Every time the cancer was mentioned, I would walk out of the room. I couldn't look at him because I could feel myself tearing up, but as time went on it got easier, and it went back to him just being Dad. There's been times he's wanted to talk to me about the cancer, but I change the subject.

I'm rambering now so I will stop xx

Don't stop Lou, it was like u were reading my mind for a moment. Everything u said is exactly how I'm feeling right now

I'm glad you could relate to my ramberling Em :)

I haven't been on this forum since the day my Dad passed away, your post bought me back.

The day I posted that was the day that we were told that they weren't going to carry on chemo any more and we had to let 'nature take it's course' as my Dad put it!
This forum was such a huge support to me when my Dad was so poorly I hadn't been able to face coming back since we lost him almost 5 months ago.

Even in the hospice I didn't want to fall apart in front of my Dad, I didn't even want to leave him, and I'm glad I didn't. It was after he died that I fell apart and 5 months on I'm no where nearing picking up the pieces. The Sunday before my Dad died, I knew it wouldn't be long, there was so much I wanted to say to my Dad but couldn't for my 'not getting upset' rule, so I wrote it all down, the next day we were told that Dad only had days left and we were all at the hospice with him. After Dad died, what I had written down on that Sunday night I modified slightly and read out at his funeral.

You will get through it because you have to, as much as you want it to stop, the world keeps turning. But I know my Dad will never really be gone, as corny as it sounds I know as long as me and my brother are here, he will always be because we love him and we remember him in our own ways and that will keep his memory alive xx

Hi.

Really sorry to hear that. My father was diagnosed last week with lung cancer (primary) already spread to bones. It has come out of nowhere and we have been told he will last months, possibly up to a year. I have seen comments where people were given months and have lived for years, what is their quality of life though. I would still prefer my dad to be around.

Good luck to everyone going through this awful disease.

Re: My dad is dying.

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus and has months to live.I have bought him food from the supermarket ie: jelly,yoghurt and other easy to swallow foods.I weigh him as he has lost 3stone in a very short time,so it's important for him to keep himself strong enough to be able to carry on with his chemotherapy.However when I asked him what he he'd drank and eaten last Wednesday,he yelled at me saying that he would eat what he wanted,when he wanted.Through a violent rage he attacked me trying to throw me out of the house.As a result I am battered and bruised and struggling to cope with this abuse.Has anyone else suffered this displaced anger? HELP!

Hello freddiejunior,

I noticed you hadn't received any responses to your post and thought I would come and welcome you to the forum. Perhaps you should start your own discussion so that your post is seen more easily by our members?

You can find out how to start a new discussion here.

We are so sorry to hear about your dad having months to live. You seem like such a caring son buying him food and making sure he is ok. It must be hard though for you to be on the receiving end of your dad's anger.

Do start your own thread - perhaps just copy and paste your message into a new discussion and I am sure our forum members will have a lot of good tips for you!
 

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

I just found out before New Year's Eve my dad has pancreatic cancer , I'm completely heart broken and can't cope with the news we are waiting to hear how he stands and he is having tests , I just want to know how I can save him what can I do, he has conorary heart disease and has gone through major heart surgery twice and a stent , I just can't believe how cruel life is why him????? Why my dad , he is everything to me my hero my inspiration ... I'm at such a loss I completely sympathise with everybody going through this X

I know your heart is breaking and I know how yourfeeling, there are people out there to support you does he have a Macmillan nurse x