Hi RL,  I'm so sad to read your post and wanted to reply as I can relate to some of what you are going through having lost my Mum to pancreatic cancer last year.  When somebody we love is given a terminal diagnosis we go into shock and it takes some time to come to terms with that diagnosis. Your feelings of fear and feeling unable to cope are normal but somehow we do cope. I can't lie and say it's not hard, it is, but my Mum wasn't in a lot of pain and didn't need much pain relief at all; I was grateful for that and I hope this helps to reassure you a little.  I understand what you mean about your friends' comments, people often don't know what to say.  "Be strong" is one that particularly annoyed me, it was said to me at my Mum's funeral and I wanted to scream "how can I be strong and why should I?".  You don't have to be strong RL, you must go with your feelings and be kind to yourself.  You will not be a burden to your Mum, if you can open up to her then perhaps you can help each other. Thinking of you and post me anytime.  Hope x

Hi

This forum is just the place to be when you need to vent your feelings.  Its so very hard to have to deal with such devastating news and all your emotions will be all over the place.  We found some friends just 'faded away' (and some relations too) as 'they could not cope'.  You have had good advice from the kind people already (they have been there for me too (its my husband thats incurable and classed as terminally ill), taking little steps and chatting here does somehow help us all.  If you really feel that you cannot chat with Mum (I am very sure she would appreciate your input) then just hugging each other will tell her you are there (we had group hug and tears when we broke the news to our children (though older than you are).  If you would like to talk to someone more specialised then you can call the nurses on this site  mon to fri 9-5 freephone from UK landlines.  I wish I could make it all go away but we all  know this is not possible but as Hope has said, we are here to listen when you need to offload.Jules54

Hi,

I am really sorry to hear this.Hence my advice to u is to take each day as it comes and not to worry about the future.Have faith in god and let us hope that miracles can happen which might save your father's life.

I would like to share my experiences also with this situation.I lost my father when I was 38 years.He was working in Bangalore(a city in India).I was working in Chennai(another city in India).He had come to visit me at my Flat in chennai-was staying with me for 2 days.He was to have left for Bangalore back but suddenly he complained of uneasiness in his stomach.Subsequently on consulting a Doctor and on further diagnosis, he was confirmed to have cancer in the stomach .The doctor told me that my father will die within 3 weeks.The doctor also told me to inform  all relatives about this.Subsequently he expired within a week. I was not able to believe this because all happened within a matter of 20 days.My father had told his boss that he will return to work after his leave to complete other works.

It  was very much difficult to cope with this loss.It took some time for me to cope up with this loss.But We have to realise that we cannot do any thing for changing this situation.Hence it will be better if  we help the dying person to live his remaining life satisfactorily without any suffering.I understand it is difficult for u, but let us pray to God to extend all the support u need  at this time.

Narasimhan.

Hi R_L,

You have already received a warm welcome from some of my forum buddies but I would like to add mine as well. Having lost my mother to breast cancer, I do know what emotional turmoil you are experiencing. You say you feel you cant talk to your mother but mothers would probably know anyway for they know us better than anyone. If the truth be known, she would probably welcome you talking to her and you could probably help each other cope. When cancer strikes a family, so many time people feel they cant talk to each other in an open and honest manner which is where this forum is so great. People on here know and understand what you are going through and will not judge you for so many on here have travelled the same road.

It is so hard seeing someone you love suffering from this evil disease as I know from personal experience. But you have to look after yourself too as hard as that may be, for if you make yourself ill, it will only add to your parents worry. You have no need to feel alone anymore now you have joined this forum, for in my 2 1/2 years on here, I have been supported by some fantastic people who I now call my forum buddies.

Please keep us updated whenever you can. Sending best wishes to you and your family, Brian

Hi RL,

Like everyone else here I just wanted to say hello & that you are not alone.  I have just recently lost my lovely dad (Aug 6th) & he was my absolute rock.  I can fully relate to what you are saying, my dad was diagnosed nearly four years ago & he too like your dad was feeling & looking really well, just abit of earache & a wee lump under his ear, after alot of tests/scans we were eventually told it was a tumour at the base of the tongue, that was also in the throat & had spread to his lungs, I can honestly say I felt like I had been hit by a freight train, I just did not see it coming at all & thats all part of it I think, just the shock.  It is still very early days for you regarding your dads diagnosis & you will still be in a profound state of shock, just nothing makes sense & you feel like you are barely functioning. Like others have said before me, please try & talk to your mum, you really will be a great help & support for each other, you may not think it but you really will.  As well as your mum, who I know you don't want to burden (which you wouldn't be) is there anyone else you can talk to? If not some of your friends, another family member maybe?  This forum is a great place to talk to others who are affected by cancer, we are all in the same not so very nice boat, not a good club to be in I guess but there are some of the most genuinely, lovely people who post on here & we are all looking out for each other & that can only be a good thing, don't feel alone, we are all with you.  Try not to think too far ahead, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, just try to get through the day as best you can.  Cry when you have to, don't keep it bottled up, scream & rant when you have to (I know I did).   I wasn't strong or brave & I didn't want to be & at the time I most certainly didn't want people telling me to be brave.. I'm still not strong or brave, you just have to deal with things the best way you can.  Take care RL, I have been where you are now & it is a very scary place but there are people on this forum, like myself who will try our very best to support you through this time. xx

Thank you for your messages. I feel so much like I need to talk to someone but don't know what I want to say.

My Dad isn't accepting his diagnosis at all. He's researching and emailing American doctors who claim to be able to operate when UK doctors say they can't. Is it weird that I don't want him to do this?

I honestly don't have anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my mum, she's already too worried about me - I don't want to add to that. She having to worry about and look after my Dad and my four brothers who all have special needs. She needs me to be alright. She's also terrified about her breast cancer returning as secondaries as this would now leave us 'orphaned'. We don't have any other family and she really does need to be to strong. 

I feel like I say the right things - that we'll take it one day at a time, that we have to carry on with our lives as best we can, that we'll be sad at times but then pick ourselves up, and we'll cope because we'll have to etc. But I'm not sure I believe what I'm saying or that I'm doing these things. I'm just trying to be very pragmatic about things and hope that these words will become actions. But maybe I'm just in denial?

What do I do short term? Do I carry on acting as 'normal'? That's what I'm trying to do but I'm not sure it feels right? I don't know what I feel, maybe it's still the shock phase? I don't even want to spend time with my Dad. Is that bad? He's just not coping at all and I can't cope with him not coping. 

I appreciate I'm rambling, and I'm sorry. I just feel so alone. xx

Dear RL,

What an awful, awful situation you are in & I now fully understand why you say you can't really talk to your mum, what with her worrying about your siblings & her own health.  I never spoke to one, although maybe I should have but have you thought about seeing some kind of a counsellor, I hope that doesn't sound like I'm trying to fob you off onto someone because I'm really not but sometimes I think it can help to talk to someone even someone who doesn't know you,who will just listen to you & let you offload all your emotions.  I'm sure someone like Macmillan/Marie Curie have counsellors, could even be worth a trip back to your doctors who might be able to refer you to someone.  You cannot go through what is happening to you & your family alone, you have to be able to talk to someone, this forum is great but keep the idea of a counsellor or someone like that in mind, always an option for you that's all.

My dad initially was very much the same as your dad, he would not accept the prognosis that was given to him at all 6-12mnths & he demanded a second opinion from different doctors in a completely different area.  We were very very lucky though, not like most unfortunately as the second opinion (Christies) said that there were treatment options available & he got them & he survived for nearly four years, we were though I think the exception to the rule.  My dad also went on the Internet & was looking at all kinds of treatments in all kinds of places & at one point, I was thinking I was going to have to remortgage my house, which I would have done a hundred times over if it would have helped him but it wouldn't have.  Maybe it's just something that your dad has to do like mine did, let him do it, it is in a strange kind of way it's giving him something to focus on I guess and no it's not weird of you thinking you don't want him to do it at all.  And who knows, there might be something out there that can possibly help your dad, there might not but I think you have to let him look & then support if you can any decision if any is to be made.

You can only take it one day at a time RL & yes carry on acting "normal" it's all we can do isn't it but there will be times lots of times when you can't be "normal" or the "strong" one & that's ok too, you're on an awful road but honestly believe me when I tell you, my dad was ill for nearly four years with cancer & we had some of the worst times ever but in amongst all that we had some really good, happy times & that is what I try to hold onto each & everyday, you will have some pretty awful days but try if you can to have some wonderful days with your dad, maybe not right now as everything is just so raw, but when you can, spend time with your dad, you don't have to do anything exciting or go far, I used to walk my dad round the estate where he & my mum lived & we would just chat on about everyday stuff, the weather, my children, his football team & it was special, really special as it was just us spending time together.  You are going through such a lot right now that just nothing much will make sense & you do have to give yourself time for it all to make some kind of sense.  Please post on here when you need to.  I really do know what you're going through so don't feel completely alone.  Take care of yourself xxx

Hi R-L ....... I am so desperately sorry to hear of your families situation.  However, I hope you dont mind me dropping in to give a little practical suggestion as you say your Dad is investigating treatments at the moment.  After being turned away from two hospitals,  I had an inoperable liver tumour treated at the beginning of this year by Nanoknife at the Princess Grace Hospital in London - it is a new treatment in this country and the specialist there was telling me how it was giving a lot of help to those with pancreatic cancer. Prof Leen who you will find online - will happily read your Dad's scan and let you know if he thinks the Nanoknife will help him, without obligation.  Also at the Royal Marsden they are using Cybernife for this type of cancer too.  It may be unsuitable, I do not know, but may also be worth a couple of emails and/or phone calls.  Sending you my thoughts and love at this difficult time x

Hi

Really hard reading your latest post and knowing the right words to find in offering support.  You have so much going on within your family just now and  Ido think you should be getting some of the outside help that is available.  Others have given you some great advice.  In the early days of diagnosis with my husband I think I was on auto pilot and though he wanted things to be as normal as possible that, it itself, was emotional and I felt frustrated at not being able to do more.  I found this forum and it gave me an outlet for my emotions/fears as well as getting information as I deal with each part of our journey.  On the 'outside' I am seen as 'coping amazingly' though on the inside I often feel useless as nothing I can do for my husband changes what is to come.  I have to give myself and mental shake and every day remind myself how lucky I have been to have had him in my life and the same will be true of your Dad.  I think he is focussing on the researching the internet to give him something to occupy him and hope  the lovely Max's post will help.

Please go back to your GP and ask for help both for  yourself and your family as there may well be some practical measures that can be put in place to help the whole family.  The forum is full of people happy to listen when we offload (and most of us do on those days when it all gets a bit much to handle).  It may be a strange thing to say but though you do not wish to add to your Mum's burdens, it may be worth asking her how she would like you to help.  Our daughter and son did this with me and I realised I can 'run things by them' without fear as they have to 'cope' with their Dad's situation too.  Please, please you are not alone in how you feel though it often feels that way so do chat through things on the forum (if nothing else it gives you somewhere to speak freely and no one is judgemental here).

Sorry for my rambling but I know what it's like to feel alone even when surrounded by people.  I am still learning how to cope and my husband's diagnosis was over 2 yrs ago.  Be kind to yourself, its what your parents would want.  Thinking of your and sending virtual hugs.Jules x