She asks me if i can feel it... Hardly, i say, but it's there... The gp agreed. Hospital appt arranged for a week's time. Mammogram performed, biopsy done. Hmm... Not much to see - whatever it us it is probably benign. Another doctor will look at it.. Letter comes - another hospital appt a week later. Mammograms again, four biopsies, and an appt made for the following week to look at results and "discuss options". Initial finding of the lump had brought terror and a flood of worst-case scenarios that, despite being too awful to contemplate, were just to big to force down out of mind. The "discuss options" appt (yesterday) was attended with an air of resigned expectancy. Her mum had a mastectomy, her grandmother lost her life to it - there was no chance the news was going to be good. The lump was very small though, so perhaps not too much to be concerned about. The consultant showed us the mammogram image on the screen. He pointed out the initial lump. That was benign, he said, with a sad face, but here is what else we found... They were very small - barely detectable and wouldn't have been discovered for some years if she hadn't found the other, benign, lump - but they were there, a couple of inches apart and, (I'm afraid it is bad news...) "Here is the report...they are definitely tumours. They are small enough to be excised but the chances are there will be more. I recommend a mastectomy"...
"Okay. Can i have a double mastectomy please?"
The psychologist will want to speak to you...
"This is not unexpected - i have read extensively over the last week. It is what i want"
so the appointment with the scalpel has been set for April 1st.
we walk back to car park.
"I saw tears in your eyes," she says... " Why was that?"
" am so proud of you," i say truthfully - " If you hadn't found that lump and got it seen to, things could have been much worse..."
but she is frightened of the operation. The thought of the pain scares her very much. The financial impact worries her. How will our son get to school in the morning. As usual she thinks of others first...
we don't really know what to expect after the op ( and immediate reconstruction using expanders) how long will she be sore for? Will the pain be severe? How long before she can drive? How long before i can hold her in my arms and crush her to my chest the way she likes so much..
how should we feel - really?
