good morning Jules

           i do wish that i could put a little of you into my wife,i had cancer for the first time five years ago and my wife has never spoken of it,she does do a lot of things for me like driving me too and from treatments,and i think that she feels that is her help,but it is the abality to talk that i need more, so now i am starting out  the path again i shall feel so low as she wont talk,i think that you have been a star for your hubby,i can see why he wont talk as he does not want you too hurt but in some case this makes the hurt worse,my wife has gone behind her protective wall too protect her sanity. i do understand but that still does not help my predicament.

                      regards    james

Bless you James, I feel so sad for you - wish I could just give you a hug and have a cry with you!  I really think you have just got to take the bull by the horns and tell your wife you need to be able to talk to her!  Think the McMillan nurse would be a wonderful go between for you both to start you off - ask her to help you James, you have nothing to lose by giving it a shot and everything to gain!  Or ask her to read your posts!  You are both hurting my love and need each other more than ever. Give it a try xxxxxx

Hi James,

I've been following your thread and I'm so sorry to read that you have cancer again.

It's sad that your wife is unable to talk to you about the things that are happening and how you're both feeling, but as the others have posted before me, we all deal with this awful situation in different ways, whether we are the sufferer or the family member.

I hope in time, your wife will feel able to talk to you so you can both share this emotional situation; you've had some good advice and suggestions from your other forum friends as to how this may be achieved. Meanwhile, keep sharing and offloading to us, James.

I see that Hope, Max and Jules have been their incredibly supportive selves! (All 3 lovely ladies know just what to say and how to say it!)

They've been there for me too . . .. Still are!!! 

I'll be following your story, not always adding my ramblings, you'll be relieved to know! But be assured, along with everyone else on the forum, I'm cheering you on from the side lines!

Take care, hugs to you, Jo xxx

Hi James

Am just in from work and when I read your response I felt such empathy regarding the non communication.  In the ideal world I would pop a bit of you into my hubby and then with a bit of me in your wife, the talking could begin.  Its really hard to get through those feelings of helplessness when you cannot talk it through.  I actually feel I cannot support to the full extent as I am not sure how I am needed and then I just carry on with how l would have before - talking about everyday stuff in the hope that one day there will be a breakthrough.  Perhaps Max's idea of getting the MacMillan Nurse to help get communication going would work too.  I am allowed to go into my hubby's consultant's appointments (as he said he does not want to talk about it when he comes out and I can learn things then) and luckily she soon picked up on his reluctance to talk and always asks me if there is anything I would like to say or know.  Thats been a help and I often feel that I would prefer to be talking to the man in my life (married 36 yrs - together for over 40!!) . It has led to me getting angry at times which is not how I want to be.

The forum community really understands the aspects of a cancer journey from all sides so hope you will continue to come and chat with us all - we all need to be able to offload/rant/discuss feelings and you will I am sure feel a little better just having written it down.

Look after yourself and hope you have some news soon as to how your treatment plan can proceed.  Jules 

Jules - I feel so sad for you that your hubbie wont 'let you in' on his journey. Being in his situation, I know his head must be full of thoughts and I cant imagine how he is able to keep them to himself.  Some men seem to have the ability to put bad things away in a little box in their head, and just bring them out from time-to-time, then tuck them away again.  Like you are to your hubbie, my husband is a brilliant support to me in all aspects of my illness but if I ever ask him how he really feels emotionally, he just says he isnt going to go there until he can see I am on my last legs. I guess like your man and Jame's wife, its a coping stragety that stops them from falling apart, but is not probably not what their partner needs. Theres no easy answer is there? We are all so different and cope in various ways with this awful disease. Glad we have each other on this site! Take care sweetheart. Max x

Thanks so much Max for your supportive words.  This forum is such an amazing place with so many lovely people.  I always feel humbled by those who are the bearers of the cancer and you are so right that different personalities have different coping mechanisms.  When my hubby was first diagnosed we did cry together and he told me he wanted things to be as normal as is possible and I do my best to make this so (why would I not!!). I thinks its my frustration that I need to overcome (as a chatterbox the silent treatment hurts) as I know he is emotionally beaten up (and no doubt crys alone which I find sad (but  have done it too!!)).  He has always been good at showing his emotions both happy and sad but just cannot talk about cancer without breaking down and I think this is why the barrier has gone up.  He is fully aware that I come to the forum (wish he could let himself come there too as I think talking to strangers is possible easier than with friends and family (some of ours have become rather distant) but I guess they cant cope either.

I know you have your ups and downs but having that great family connection is good for you all.  Do take care and hope your next appointments give you good options.  Hugs Jules x

Jules .......  by what you say I would guess your hubbie just finds the thought of leaving you  too overwhelming. I can relate to him when you say if he talks about things he just cries.. I can talk to anybody about my illness, but put my children in the equation and its a different matter.  The thought of leaving them is far too overwhelming and I can't talk to them in detail at all because I know I would cry (and not stop) and I don't want to see them upset or even know how they are coping cos it would be too upsetting. I bet that is how your partner feels. Guess like you say it's good to try and live as normally as possible while we can although we all know that's not easy.  Take care dear Jules, and have a good weekend xx

James ..... thank you for your kind words today on a former thread.  There are many brave and supportive people here who bring a little sunshine to others in their worst moments - I know because they have helped me greatly!!!!  Glad you are helping others here too, it means some good is coming out of a bad situation. I'm sorry to hear about your peg and the financial problems - hope you don't mind me asking, but I don't know what aspirating means - i don't really have any knowledge of the physical difficulties associated with your diagnosis. Please excuse my ignorance!  You may not want to talk about it, so please don't if that is how you feel and I completely understand. Hope you have a good nights sleep and are feeling less in pain. Take care my friend x

Good Morning Max56

                 I am up at a quater to five this morning,taking pain relief well the point that you raised about asperating is when food or fluid either goes down onto your lungs or as in my case up from below,which is why they want me to have a peg with an extension on to take the food that i have further down into my tummy,as at the momen, a small ammount of food goes into my lungs,not very nice i can tell you,well does that explain the point to you, dont feel as you are unable too ask a question as if you dont then you wont learn,I did not know any of this the dr`s and nurses explained it to me as i have done to you

                       many thanks for your help  james  xxx