Hi grandadbob / James ...........

Glad you have a thread going now and am sure there will be lots of support for you here. A rediagnosis is scary, and I speak from experience. You just seem to get over the constant worry of the disease recurring and then off you go again and it leaves you feeling scared and vulnerable. It must be especially difficult with no family support and I cant imagine how desolate that makes you feel. Have you any family members or friends you could talk to?  Your wife is probably terrified to talk about things in case it upsets you further, but maybe you could write down your feelings and need for help and give it to her in a letter - maybe that would break the ice!  Another thing that has helped us as a family is the McMillan Nurse service. They are normally connected to your hospital and will come to the house to talk to you and your wife together and bring out the difficulties you are both facing and how you could cope better with the situation - they really are lovely people and very understanding.

Saying all of that James - please know that you have made the first step to talking about how you feel by coming here to this site. There are some wonderful people here who will lift your spirits and bring you out of that black hole you talk about. Just knowing others understand exactly what you are going through is a Godsend and you will realise that you are not alone with your dark thoughts and many here feel the same as you. I notice you, like me, are up late - probably with a million thoughts racing through your mind. Try to rest and take care of yourself and come back soon to talk.

All the best to you my friend. Max x

Hello Max

     Thank you so much for your words of comfort,the reason that I am up late is the same that I get up early,i am waiting for the medication to take effect and make me feel a little more comfortable,so i can sleep,and by about five Oclock in the morning the relief has subsided and i need too get up fore  some more,never mind I did have quite a good day yesterday as the mac nurse came and was able to confirm that i had cancer and that i need to wait till the drs have their Multi Deciplinary Meeting today to let me know what they are going to do.

                       kind regards  James

Hello Hope

          thank you for all your concern while you have so much sorrow yourself,the Mac nurse who came yester day did help to lift my mood a little for a while as she was able to give me information that i did not have,also she told me that the meeting that they had last week did nothing as they did not have all my scans and tests, so they are meeting again today,i do hope to hear something soon'

                  love james,

Hi James ..... I'm sorry to hear that you suffer such discomfort, it must make everything else seem even more difficult bless you. Good to see that you already have a McMillan Nurse though - I wonder if you told her that you were concerned about your wifes reaction to your latest news if she would call in for a chat with you both? Worth a try!  I hope you have a better day today and it looks like you should know your treatment plan within the next few days which will be a real help. The wondering is always worse than the knowing I think.  Take care of yourself.  Max x

Hello again Max

          I am so sorry putting on to you my petty discomforts,i have just read your profile and you could do without silly people like me interupting your precious time,which you could use more for your lovely family,that is the problem with this horrid thing you get so bound up in your own plight, above all others and your needs are greater than mine,you are such a wonderful person,with a heart as big as the world trying to help all the people you can when it is us who should be comforting you.

                   all my love    james

Never feel like that James. It is because I have been through the mill a bit that I have an insight into how devastating this disease is to people and their families. It helps me to comfort others because I feel that maybe a little good is coming out of a bad situation. Believe me, I have had much comfort from others on here when I need it - thats what we are all here for. So please never think your plight is any less than anyone elses - we all have the same emotional challenges brought about by the uncertainty of this illness. Hope your day goes well xx

Hello again Max

        well even though i had cancer five years ago and used the mac site, there have been very few people that i have contacted, that are as good with their responce and comfort as the people that have replied to me this time ,everyone who replies to me seems to have pleanty of time to chat and give me solaoce and information, i have been driven to the point where i cry to my self when i am alone,i am so upset that i might not be around to see my wife and children, i am sorry for that bit take no notice that is just me in one of my black moods,you all could do with out that rubbish as you are all in the same position as me or worse,i just need to know what is going to happen,hurry up doctors make a decision.

                                   yours  james

Hi James ......

I'm glad you feel the site is helpful - I certainly find it so.   I'm sure some others will be along to chat to you soon - not everyone logs on each day.  They are a lovely bunch - down to earth and very supportive.  You are not the only one who has dark days, I can relate very much to what you are saying.  It breaks my heart to think of leaving my lovely hubbie and children.  I am 57 and after 38yrs of working, we are now in a situation of having the money for nice holidays and have paid off the mortgage.  Of course I want my hubbie to have a long and happy life, but it hurts a great deal to think he may remarry and someone else will enjoy all the things we have worked for - and have great times with my husband, kids and future grandchildren.  I try not to think about it because it makes me overwhelmingly sad and I understand completely how you feel.

I have known for some time that I wont be around for much longer - and somehow it does get easier, you find a sort of 'acceptance' although its still very scary if you think of it too much!  I try to never give up thinking that something will come along to cure me, its what gives me hope and helps me stay sane.  I dont know how you can stop the dark days James - but remember we are always here to talk to. You will have good days and bad ones, but try to keep busy and enjoy the good days as much as poss.

Speak soon my friend. Hope you hear your results very soon   xxxxxxx 

Hi grandadbob(james)

I have just caught up with your posts (having seen you kindly replying on another thread).  I so agree with lovely Max, that the wondering and waiting for test results and forward treatment plans are a very difficult time.  The boot is on the other foot in our household in that I am the wife to a man who does not wish to talk to me about what is going on (he was diagnosed with incurable cancer near two years ago now) and that was why I turned to the forum and found a 'new sanctuary' which I believe has kept me here.  So many different characters and such helpful support means I do not suffer alone on my down days and that in some small way I can return the support.

Please come and chat, whatever your feelings are they are better shared and there is so much understanding here no matter what type of cancer is causing the pain(both physical and mental).  My hubby has palliative care (pain relief and monitoring).  Certainly if you are suffering pain before your next dose is due, it would be worth mentioning this as soon as you can.  Hubby's consultant said there was no reason to put up with the pain on top of everything else and though he hates taking so many pills I know he could not cope without them (and so does he).

I hope that once your wife has had a little time to absorb the news of your cancer's return she can offer more support.  As a wife my frustration is that my hubby does not want to talk about it with me or anyone for that matter.  He is not coping well (GP has put him on anti-depressants) but I have had to accept that its his character and know he is trying to protect me.  I have told him (after a long while of indecision) that its hard for me to offer support in the right way if I do not know what is going on or how he is feeling - keeping fingers crossed that one day he feels able to offload as it makes me feel pretty useless at times (yes I know thats silly too).

Anyhow have rambled enough. Take care and hope you get some answers today.  Jules x